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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Sensitive situation (trigger warning)

9 replies

sensitiveinfo · 14/06/2013 15:47

Have namechanged as this involves real people who may not wish to be outed.

There is a family member who I am close to although don't see often. She is around the same age as me and we are both in our 20s. Growing up there was a lot of heavy handed discipline in her household which I now recognise was quite severe physical and emotional abuse. We didn't see them often, but we were always close and as an adult I am troubled by this abuse which was never addressed by other adults in the family although my own household was not abusive.

However the real thing which is bothering me recently is that I've started to remember things which were said and done, which seemed innocent at the time but if I heard them now they would ring alarm bells coming from a child. I don't know if I'm just putting 2 and 1 together and making 4 because these are only half remembered memories and may have just been ordinary childish exploration, but I know that her father had previous history of sexually abusing someone, without wanting to give too many details, I only found out about this as an adult and I don't think that she herself is aware of this.

Now I don't know what to do or if I should do anything. I don't really want to go up to the family member and say "By the way, were you abused as a child?" and it doesn't feel right to discuss it with someone else in the family. NSPCC etc is inappropriate because it's historic rather than current but I also feel uncomfortable sitting on it in case it is something. I didn't know if there was any organisation or anyone I should or could talk to, or would it be best to just forget it unless she says something to me herself?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/06/2013 15:51

What an awful situation. How is she now? Does she seem to suffer from depression or other mental health problems? Is she happy in her life now and does she have a partner or children?

fortyplus · 14/06/2013 15:55

I would start a Jimmy Savile conversation and say it's wonderful that victims have at last felt able to speak out and that even old men are being brought to justice for the wrongs they committed in the past

samsungsing · 14/06/2013 16:48

sensitive I was in the exact same situation. I chose to say nothing. I have a very heavy heart because of this.

Only you can make that decision, but do be prepared to deal with the aftermath of whatever choice you make regarding this.

Sorry I am not much help.

sensitiveinfo · 14/06/2013 17:04

Samsung I'm so sorry. Do you mind me asking if anything came out regarding that in your situation?

I don't think she is depressed but don't speak to her often enough really to know. I'm not keen on her bf (he has red flags himself) but her father is/was controlling so could just be down to that rather than anything else.

Last time I saw her we did talk about her dad, she has cut him out, but for something unrelated. Nothing of this nature came up and I didn't say anything about what I know about his history because, well, would you want to know if it was your dad? I don't think I would. She doesn't have DC and doesn't see him anyway so there are no DC potentially at risk.

Forty you make a good point that with all the stuff in the media at the moment if anything did happen it may well come out anyway. The other family member who was abused by him is just beginning to seek therapy and healing from it - over 40 years after the event - so things might start to be talked about in respect of that.

OP posts:
samsungsing · 14/06/2013 20:29

sensitive

No nothing came out. My family are very secretive about those kinds of things and I refuse to set sparks flying by telling all, only to be attacked by said family members.

So sorry that I am unable to give you advice regarding this.

sensitiveinfo · 14/06/2013 21:23

Thank you anyway Thanks

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 14/06/2013 21:51

You are allowed to phone NSPCC with historical abuse.

I'd also consider speaking to the police to get something on record. It maybe that someone has gone or will go to the police about this person and your information provides or will lead to some form of corroborating evidence. Seems like often people will refuse to acknowledge anything happened which must be very invalidating for the person who has gone to the police so even knowing that someone acknowledges there was stuff going on at the time could be a comfort to them.

Pendipidy · 14/06/2013 22:20

What are you wanting to achieve? Presumably if something did happen and she wanted to talk about with you then she would have done so. Why do you feel the need to bring it up?

Belle12 · 14/06/2013 23:14

Hi,

If here is a chance that others could still be at risk it should be reported to the Police.

oneinfour.org.uk is a website that offers support and advice. Another is Choices counselling, based in Cambs but has a website also with good resources for those affected and friends/relatives supporting them through recovery. Hope this helps.

B x

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