Where do I go from here?

[dm86]

I have been lurking around for awhile hoping that someone with a similar problem would post but I've thought I might as well write my own story and try and get some advice.

I've been with my husband for 10 years and married for 7 with two DC and he has two older girls from a previous relationship.

At what point do you realise that you no longer love your husband and there is no chance of getting back what you once had? He has never been an easy person to live with but when I was madly in love with him none of that mattered but now everything he does just gets on my nerves but I can't even be bothered to argue with him! I've had a tough time over the years and I'm not one to dwell on things but I get no support from him and am just expected to get on with it. He is trying to improve the way he is but I think I resent him for past issues I can't move on from that.

I suffered badly with PND after our second child and felt he was no help at all. We run a business together and this comes between us so much. He is always on my case about things, have you done x,y and z. But as anyone knows who's suffered with PND it isn't that easy. The pressures of everything just mount on top of you.

I'm a 26 year old with a 5 year old and a 1 year old, with a husband who works away all week, no family support except my 74 year old MIL, a full time business to look after, my two SD's to look after when they are here, am doing a law degree, AAT accountancy course, am a school governor and on the pta. I don't want a medal of him or gratitude I just want support and I get none! I think this makes me resent him even more.

I understand he works hard monday-friday and I don't expect to come home and do all the housework or washing and as he says it's his time off but when's my time off? When's my relax time? He doesn't like me going anywhere without him. I'm due to go and see Robbie Williams with my mum next week and he's already causing arguments about it. Not as bad as the arguments that used to happen but I think that's more due to the fact I just laugh at him now. I don't want to spend the rest of my life worrying that something I'm going to do will upset him should marriage be like that?

I've also been diagnosed with Hashimoto's which causes me to have an under active thyroid. I have never felt as rubbish in my whole life. I'm now on 150mg thyroxine and hopefully things will keep improving but he doesn't seem to acknowledge it. If I mention anything about it he tells me to stop going on about it but I hardly ever mention it.

I know none of this post is probably making sense but I'm just abit all over at the min!

I'm scared of being on my own which I think is something that holds me back. But then I might as well be a single parent for what I get from him. I deal with all the business,bills, house and kids on my own so it wouldn't really make that much of a difference if he was here or not. It breaks my heart to think of my children not growing up in a family with a mum and dad together. My mum and dad split and I know it isn't that bad but it's something I never wanted to happen to my children. I always wanted to be one of them people who said 'we've been happily married for x amount of years!' I know that's just sad though.

I know my husband still loves me and I don't want to break his heart either but I can't carry on anymore pretending to be happy with him. I don't want sex with him, if he does manage to get home during the week I wish he was away. I love him but like I used to. I understand love changes but I was madly in love with him for nearly 8 years and it's only in the past few years my feelings have changed. I just feel like a give everything and get nothing back

Sorry if I make no sense!

"I know my husband still loves me"

Love is a verb. As they used to say at my primary school 'a doing word'. If he's only paying lip-service but not actually 'doing' love... or respect or equality or support or caring... that's not a healthy relationship and, given that the life expectancy of women is over 80 these days, can you really see this being your lot for the next 50 years? Worth it just so you can point to the Golden Wedding cards in due course?

BTW You got together when you were 16. If he has a 74 yo DM and older DDs does that make him late thirties early forties now? Do you think perhaps what you originally felt was just childish infatuation?..... That never lasts.

Thanks for your reply CogitoErgoSometimes.

I understand what you mean about him just saying that he loves me as I've never really looked at it from that perspective before. No I can't see myself with him for the next 50 years unfortunately. It's just hard thinking of telling him it's over and I've never been on my own before which also worries me!

There's a 6 year age gap so he's 32 now although acts about 12 lol. I do think it started off as infatuation as I didn't have much experience with boys so jumped feet first and left home to move 180 miles away with him after only 12 weeks.

I've not got many people to talk to about this. My mum just says that I haven't got a bad life i.e house, car etc and he's hardly here anyway so I should just stick with him. But that's easy for her to say as she's 2 hours away plus I'm not materialistic and would happily live in a cardboard box as long as my kids are ok.

My best friend is a lot older than me and more like my surrogate mother lol. She's been divorced twice but not got any children so although she understands the relationship side she doesn't understand life with children also. She thinks I would be happier on my own.

Stick with it is terrible advice, as is 'LTB'. I think better advice is to communicate in the first instance. Doing and saying nothing is only building up resentment and bitterness and, for all you know, he could be as unhappy as you are. Get your DH's full attention, no distractions, and have an honest talk about where the relationship is going.

If you really don't want to be with him any more, can't see it changing and don't think there is any prospect of a future, then say so but be aware that that is a 'bridge-burning' statement that you can't go back from and you will have to follow through. OTOH If you think there could be a future if certain things change and there's full commitment, effort and enthusiasm on all sides - but it's the end if nothing changes - then that's how you phrase it. It's serious stuff.

The children are very important, obviously, but it is possible (and arguably healthier) to be good co-parents and operate two happy households than to subject kids to a childhood listening to the arguments and thinking a bad marriage is better than nothing.

I think you need to sit down and tell him what you've told us.
You get no time for yourself.
When he is home he helps out.
You work full time etc.... and get no time off.
Life is definitely too short to 'put up' with being unhappy.

Hello again :-)

Well 7 months later and although I have tried I still feel no difference at all. I no longer love him or want to be with him. I feel no matter how he tries to change now I'm past getting the love back. I love him as the father of my children nothing else. I'm going to sit down and tell him how I feel next weekend. I don't think its fair to do it during the week when he has work the next day! I'm going to suggest counselling to see if this can help anything but then I need to try and find someone who does a Saturday!

How do I start the conversation? and what do I say? I'm going to destroy him but then he knows things aren't right. He has some idea as I push him away constantly and he's the one always ringing and texting me and I don't reciprocate often so he knows he just pretends everything is fine.

I was always so worried about the future and what would happen but I feel ready to be on my own and I'm not at all worried or scared anymore and I'm past caring what other people think. The only concern that I have is my children. They are nearly 6 and 2. They are not used to Dad being here apart from on Saturday night and Sunday so I'm hoping it won't be a big change for them I hope we can both be adults and do what is best for them.

I think you have to have the outcome clear before you start the conversation as well as anticipating that you're going to get a very emotional reaction. Although you say he's aware that you push him away, this is still going to be a very nasty experience if he's the type that pretends all is fine. You have been gearing up to this for months/years but for him it's fresh news. So compassion is called for.

How you start the conversation is 'we need to talk' followed up with 'you know things haven't been right for a while'. Have some ideas on practical matters... living arrangements, for example. If you're going to suggest counselling is that to help achieve a good split?

I know I need compassion and I'm not a compassionate person but I'll do my best lol. I know he's going to throw everything at me. He has said in the past that if we weren't together he wouldn't bother with life etc but I know him better than that and it's his way of trying to make me feel bad and sorry for him.

I don't think counselling will work at all as in my mind there's too much water under the bridge for me nearly 11 years of water! I will try though as I want to be able to say to my children we tried everything possible. In my mind the ideal solutions is he will move back with his mum as he's away during the week so in theory is only home Saturday and Sunday's so I doubt he would rent or buy anywhere. Am I right in thinking that because of the children and the house being in joint names I am entitled to stay here? The business will go as I doubt we would manage to keep it going amicably. We have two wagons together which I'm happy to keep going as it's not as much pressure as the recruitment side. I've already applied for a few jobs and I'm hoping one with my old work will happen as this would be the best for the children and school etc. I've looked into how much tax credit etc I'll be entitled to and I'm pretty confident I could manage the mortgage and bills etc on my own although on a much more strict basis than I am now.

I have thought about when he will have the children and wrote up a list of do and do's with the children for both of us to comply with.

I think I know it's the end due to the amount of thought and looking into things I've done! I'll be honest in that I've probably thought about leaving him for around 3 years and I can't pretend to be happy anymore :-( I'm not getting any younger and feel I'm just existing rather than living.

I'm such a mess. I can't concentrate on anything at all and just keep staring into space. I feel so emotionally drained and have just spent an hour crying about everything.

Why can't I just love him like I did and live happily ever after.My children will hate me as I'm turning their lives upside down. What if I can't cope. I'm such a horrible person. Everyone is going to hate me :-(

You can't force yourself to love someone and you can't hold back from doing the right thing just because it might make you unpopular. A break-up is always upsetting for everyone involved but, if you manage it sensitively and both keep the children's wellbeing top priority, there is life afterwards. If you've been thinking about this for 3 years already, the atmosphere the DCs currently live in can't be all that healthy

Thank you for your reply Cognito.

I know I can't force myself to love him and your right I have tried for a long time. I've been in such a bad mood all day and he knows it's because of us. I come home to a bunch of flowers and some creme eggs! I can count on my hands the number of times I've had flowers in nearly 11years!

My children are my top priority and as long as there happy I know I'll be ok. I'll be a happier mum hopefully so all will be good. It's just getting to that point :-(

Heads in a mess again :-(

Got a text of him this morning telling that he loves me and his life is me and that I tick all the boxes for him and still make his heart skip a beat. He then texts later telling me to sort out a babysitter for saturday night as he's taking me out and we won't be back till sunday.

I'm going to break his heart and I don't know if I can do that to him