Feel very down, what is wrong here??

[CathCreamcheese]

I've lurked on this board for a while and see how good the advice is. I need an outside perspective, the thoughts are just driving me crazy.

This is going to be a rant but I just have to get this off my chest somehow. If I'm on the wrong board please let me know. My problems seem trivial compared to many but I feel so awful so much of the time.

Background: 40 something mum with amazing surprise 9 month old baby, my one and only. Been with DP 3 years. Prior to that many years travelling, living abroad, working and having boyfriends and generally messing around.

Something about my relationship just does not work but I don't know if its me or him or what to do about it. I generally don't feel good at the moment so perhaps that is the problem but is this cause or effect? i currently feel really down, different to everyone else and like a total outsider. Ancient mum, different to local NCTers, etc etc. I also feel as if I've failed in every aspect of my life. Going over and over the past trying to find out where I've gone wrong, how i ended up feeling this way. weirdly scared that I'm losing people. I'm probably depressed but I just can't bear thinking about being depressed any more. It feels like this has been going on for years. I'm on meds but currently trying to get off them. Just don't want to be someone who's on meds, any more.

Back to the relationship. DP is a good guy who is supportive, does fair share of housework, never sulky or angry, always pretty cheerful, holds down a decent job. All good, so maybe it IS me? He has been brilliant about seeing me through some difficult times. But the thing is I feel entirely disconnected from him and very very lonely most of the time. I don't feel closely connected to him, at all. I don't feel that we are building something together. I don't feel that we are a family unit. I just feel this sense of 'closed down' around him. And I am trying to understand why. For one thing, he is not a talker - I beg him to tell me about his day in the office and rarely get more than a word or do. I get the impression that he simply doesn't really like to talk. I know that's not much but it really gets me down. So we don't have great chats. I try to find other people, friends etc, to make up for this lack, but that doesn't seem satisfying somehow. I desperately want more from this relationship, and can't even articulate what the 'more' is!!

And the hard thing is that he on the other hand is very happy! Happier than he's ever been, he says. He had a crap childhood, alcoholic mother, really learned how to be independent very early. Doesn't talk about his background - doesn't dwell on it. So its like I am always the one with the problems / emotions, and he is always 'just ok'.

Increasingly I feel that we simply have very little in common, then go into a tailspin of panic and despair blaming myself for the situation and not seeing any workable solutions apart from putting up and shutting up. On paper things should be ok, good even, but I simply can't relax feeling like this. So I go round and round in my own head trying to figure it all out, and blaming myself for not being happy. The thing is I DO have a tendency to obsess and worry about things and I might be blowing this out of proportion. And round again I go...

Can anyone shed any light on this situation? I really feel very down. Probably very confusing, sorry.

Hi Cath

Have you explain your feeling to him as you have here?

You must feel very lonely to not have someone you're able to share your day with, or that will open up. I honestly cannot imagine, must be very difficult.

I don't think its you at all, I think I'd go mad if I couldn't talk to my DH, as I'm quite shy and he is the one person I talk to the most, and DH talk so much I find myself zoning out to all the chatter at times. Now I feel bad for doing that. :(

I definitely don't think its all you, one expects to be able to talk to their DP and have conversations, and support in that manner.

I would, if you haven't yet, have a really heartfelt talk with him. Say a lot of what you wrote here.

Sorry I'm not more help but thoughts are with you.

Not confusing and all connected, I suspect. To get to your late thirties and still be living the gay bachelorette lifestyle (would it be cruel to use the word 'shallow'?) suggests that you were either looking for something, avoiding something or both. Maybe you have a low boredom threshold? Maybe you don't like routine? Maybe you think 'happiness' is at the end of the rainbow and have spent your life chasing it?

I don't know what it is about your DP that finally made you decide to settle down but that seems to be about the most serious 'grown-up' decision you've ever made. .... I don't mean that in a pejorative way. I mean that it's such a departure from your usual MO that it's worth trying to work out what he represents or what you thought he represented. Your surprise baby is another massive life change and, after 40 years of doing exactly what you wanted, it's a culture-shock

Middle-age is traditionally when people start evaluating their life and thinking, to quote Peggy Lee, 'is that all there is?' I think, if you have a tendency a) to obsess and b) to think happiness is over the next hill you are going to feel dissatisfied and always like you're in the wrong place. Perhaps it's time to park the metaphorical caravan and retire the pony? Put down some roots, make a big effort to be part of your community, get to know your DP better.... in short... commit.

It can be a huge adjustment having a baby, so that could be a big factor in how you're feeling. But would you have settled with this guy if you hadn't had a baby with him? Strikes me from what you said about your past that you were travelling and in and out of relationships and not really one for settling down. And maybe now it feels like you should be settling down because you have a baby. But maybe you are just not a settler and your needs in relationships are just not suited to this. Being in a relationship that suddenly becomes long term sounds like quite a trap and a lonely place to be. What were your relationships like before this one? Were you always feeling like you wanted something more?

If you want to get yourself off medication, have you considered psychotherapy? This could address your depression and persistent worrying and also help you work out the issues you have in this relationship.

Sorry, more questions than answers.

Thanks for your responses, I really appreciate it.

I'm currently in therapy trying to figure this 'stuff' out. It's not easy. I'm also doing some mindfulness work related to living in the moment as opposed to going back and forth between the past and future, which never seems to get me anywhere.

The tough times come when I feel totally overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings, as I did yesterday. I simply can't work out what's me and what's him - the boundaries get blurred.

Thanks again for your thoughts, it helps to hear outside perspectives when I'm 'in the hole'.

For a start you're not 'ancient'! It's understandable that you want good communication, it's the key to a good relationship and if you have very little, no wonder you feel isolated. Take these feelings seriously and tell your DH that he needs to, as well.

I would suggest Relate. This will completely destroy your relationship if it continues.

Urgh, the above is from me...getting confused with pseudonyms!

The thing is I am losing touch with what good communication actually is - what is reasonable to expect. We don't argue, its a very respectful relationship, he takes the pressure off me when I need a break, is a good dad, gives me all the freedom in the world to do my own thing wherever possible, doesn't complain about current non existent sex life. All of which is great, I guess? But I still feel alone, in fact sometimes I wish he WOULD complain about lack of sex or me doing my own thing just so I'd feel a bit missed and needed.

But someone isn't a big talker then they're not a big talker, right? I'm not sure what to do about that or if anything can be done.

I desperately want I just find this relationship to work. Thanks for letting me talk it out.

I will look into relate, it's a good idea. He would be surprised to find out I feel this way (and may well simply attribute it to 'my anxiety', and may well be right.

Have you considered that you might have post natal depression?

Cath, while I can't pin down anything specific, I have the feeling the problem - or one of the problems - is in your relationship.

You sound like two separate entities living together. Rather than two people in a loving relationship. It sounds as if you're emotionally walled off from him; but that he doesn't mind and is quite 'ok' about it...

He doesn't talk about his day, or his background. Ok: but it sounds as if he doesn't talk about anything very much? It's true that some people don't care for a lot of chat about nothing, but they'll usually talk about something, some of the time. Current affairs. An old friend they caught up with. Something funny at work. Not nothing.

It's very hard to relate to someone who has nothing to say about anything, and is always apparently in the same mood.

And it's a bit strange that you have a low and somewhat introspective mood at the moment, and yet he's 'happier than he's ever been'. Isn't he worried about you, and your happiness, even a little?

I'm not saying he should be in a pit of despair, but if someone we love isn't happy, it normally preoccupies us to some degree.

wordybird has said what I was going to say (but only much better). When you say your dp doesn't get angry it raises a flag to me as I would have described my H in the exact same way. However in recent times and following depression and counselling I realised that he does get angry (which is completely normal) but he expresses it in a passive aggressive way.

I suspect the feelings of disconnect that you are experiencing are real - a clue could be in his background as my H had a similar childhood.

Does your H form relationships with other people? Does he display empathy? Are you able to get back to work as this could be the best path for you?

Thanks for your thoughts. You're right wordybird, I do feel like two separate people living in a house together. And because he never seems worried / concerned / sad / down / angry about anything, and pretty much is always is the same mood, I always feel like the fucked up one with all the problems, and that is depressing.

I know how weird it is to complain about someone always being in a positive mood, but there IS something very disconnecting about it. My therapist thought that he might have effectively 'numbed out' more negative emotions as a small boy (alcoholic neglectful mum, violent older brother, no dad).

He doesn't really talk about very much, to be honest. I initiate a lot of conversation. He has two very good friends. He sees them when they call. Never initiates though. He can be empathic towards me - saw me through a very bad time a couple of years ago.

We talked today; I told him how bad I'm feeling. How disconnected our relationship seems and that I want us to do more, talk more, together. I want us to socialise a bit more together. He agreed to try - he has been feeling 'separate' too. But he is also very happy with his life and did say that I knew he was introverted when we got together, so I knew what I was getting and now I'm stuck). That last is bullshit though - its not about introversion, its about curiosity and emotional connection.

I guess I'll just have to see where things go. Feel weirdly drained of energy by the whole thing.