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Relationships

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Original poster

Husband says he is love with his long term female friend.

15 replies

PopDeJilly · 13/06/2013 15:10

My hb of 22 years and I have been going through a difficult times for a while - he wasn't happy in his work, and I was resentful of him not spending time with the family and just doing his own thing. Things got worse 6 months ago when he found out about an affair I'd had 10 years ago. I was unhappy at the time, which is no excuse, but I realised it wasn't the answer and ended it. However, after that affair I told hb to leave as I didn't love him. He didn't, and it took a few weeks of arguements, and soul searching on my part before I changed my mind and decided to give it another go with hb. Things were better for a while, but now I am in the situation where I've hurt him again because he has found out about the affair.

However, he has recently confessed that he has always held a torch for his long term female friend (who had turned him down when he asked her out at college). He says he realised that even if he couldn't have her like that, that he could still keep her in his life as his best friend. I always suspected he felt something for her, but he would say i was daft and ridicule me if ever I brought it up. But he would go round there and talk to her without me knowing and it was always a case that it was 'his' friend, not ours. This has all come to a head as he has tried to get closer to her, by buying her and her kids secret presents and offering to do things around the house for her (she is single again). Only now, when I pushed the subject, he's confessed he is in love with her. He says he loves me but is not 'in love' with me.

He doesn't want to leave because he doesn't want to be on his own - he knows she won't have him in that way, and so I've asked him if we can put all the hurt we have caused each other behind us and try again, which he has agreed to - but he won't give up what he calls 'his best friend'. Am I expected to be able to work with this.... should I accept it, or demand 'her or me'?

OP posts:

Lizzabadger · 13/06/2013 15:14

Your whole relationship sounds very unhealthy. Why don't you just split up?

sweetfluffybunnies · 13/06/2013 15:16

Never been in a situation like this but it sounds as though neither of you are happy, so perhaps it's time to call it a day and separate.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 13/06/2013 15:20

I wonder if a lot of it is his way at getting back at you for the affair. Must have been a dreadful shock, no matter how things were, that you did that 10 years previously.

Think it a bit odd that when you did tell him about the affair, you told him to leave. It may have taken place 10 years ago, but you were the one who cheated, you should be the one to leave, not him.

I think a lot of this is tit for tat and you should just split up.

tobiasfunke · 13/06/2013 15:20

How are you going to live like this? Knowing the whole time that your dh is in love with someone else and that if she gives him half a chance he'll be off. It would be far too stressful for me.
If it were me I would tell him to leave. He has basically said he's only staying with you because he doesn't want to be on his own. He is an arse.
He may see sense once his romantic daydreams hit the buffers of reality.

SummersHere · 13/06/2013 15:22

Do you honestly think you can be happy in a relationship with a man who by his own admission is only staying with you because he doesn't want to be alone? He's already told you he's not in love with you.
Sorry but I couldn't live like that, life's too short.
I wouldn't be issuing ultimatums I'd be packing my bags (or his).

overture · 13/06/2013 15:24

I feel bad, but what did you expect Pop? If you cheat on your partner, tell them. They have a right to know. Had you done this when you ended your relationship with the OM, at least your DH had a choice in whether to stay or not.

But he lived with you and that lie for 10 years, what did you expect to happen when he found out? It may have happened 10 years ago for you and well in the past, but he's just found out you cheated and 10 years of his life is a lie. A decade!!!!
This isn't about a female friend, he is understandable hurt. Sounds like he feels entitled at this point to do what he wants.

I can't see how your relationship will survive this, if it had any chance it should have happened by you telling him 10 years ago.... better yet not have cheated.... :(
It's a mess you created, and hid for a very long time, very unforgivable.
Now he's feel he has a free ticket to do what he wants it seems, which is equally as wrong. Do you want to accept it???
If he wants to remain married to you despite the affair, I would think it would have to be "her or me"?!?

scaevola · 13/06/2013 15:24

I am so sorry you are in such a horrible position and that your DH is so blind to what he has done.

Unless he is prepared to go fully No Contact with her, and refocus entirely on your marriage, I do not see much of a way ahead.

You need to work out what you want in your future, and whether he has a role in it. It's big decision time. Though you need to take time to make sure you are making the right decision for you - no need to hurry, but no way to avoid making your choices.

Original poster

PopDeJilly · 13/06/2013 15:28

I didn't actually tell him about the affair ten years ago, but it was at that time I asked him to leave as I didn't think I loved him. But yes, I was wrong to try to get him to leave then, i should have been the one to go, but with four kids it was difficult.
Anyway, I am sad to say that I think that perhaps you're right and that our marriage has run its course, I don't think there is a way back from this one. I can't get past the fact that he is in love with someone else, but is willing to stay with me just because he doesn't want to be on his own and because of the money.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 13/06/2013 15:29

I think this goes to show the damage that is done when one person has an affair. Personally, I don't think a relationship can truly recover from it.

Windingdown · 13/06/2013 15:36

It's going to take a lot of work, sacrifice and communication from both of you to put the hurt behind you and start again. It's going to be really hard, sometimes it's going to hurt like hell and you'll both need to be utterly commited to each other to get through the coming months and years.

Do either of you really think enough of the other to believe it's worth it? If not, I'd say it would be easier for you to both call to walk away.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 13/06/2013 15:39

"I can't get past the fact that he is in love with someone else, but is willing to stay with me just because he doesn't want to be on his own and because of the money."

Sounds rather similar to you, 10 years ago. Just replace "the money" with "the kids"

Original poster

PopDeJilly · 13/06/2013 15:45

Thank you all for your honest opinions, it is much appreciated.

OP posts:

Flicktheswitch · 13/06/2013 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wowserz129 · 13/06/2013 16:07

Sounds like you should both split up. Your relationship sounds like its built on wobbly foundations at least and he doesn't sound happy at all. If he stays, he will be doing it for all the wrong reasons and he has even told you that.

SolidGoldBrass · 13/06/2013 16:25

It sounds as though you are both scared of being alone and therefore have each 'settled' for the other as an available human being with no obvious flaws such as violence, substance abuse or poor hygiene. Did you get married at a point when most of your contemporaries were doing so, and you two just happened to be seeing each other and mutually thought, 'Oh well, s/he will do.'?

I also think you should consider splitting up. You might find something like Relate useful as a way of negotiating the most amiable separation you can.

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