Sexual abuse and what can be done about it

[PickledPlum]

Pretty inflammatory title, I don't know if I'm overreacting about the entire thing, but I think not.

I'm a sporadic regular on here, and have name changed solely because I'm quite open about where I live/what I do etc etc under my normal NN, and I want to protect my friend(who this is about), and, frankly, to protect myself should she ever come on to MN, which I've encouraged her to do.

Right. She is very unhappy in her relationship. She lives with a man who I have long suspected of being manipulative.

Recently, she opened up to me in a very matter of fact way, to tell me that her dp emotionally blackmails her into having sex, and when she shies away from "full" sex, he pretty much insists that he can't cope without some form of sexual release (yes, the "poor little menz-full-of-come" argument).

Anyway, she seemed amazed when I said that if my dp gets the urge and I do not, he will have a wank (or not, up to him). This cannot be countenanced by friend's dp, and so she is having to perform bj's and hj's on a regular basis when she doesn't want to do it.

Even though she told me about this weeks ago, I am still struggling with writing it all down, and with what I want to ask you all. Obviously I know it is a hideous situation, and I told her so. I told her it is abuse, plain and simple, IMO. Added to that is the financial abuse (this is definite, without going on at length about it), plus things like trying to isolate her from her friends (me, especially!), and encouraging her to cut her hours at work which she did some time ago. I had no idea that he was behind the work thing, as she gave the impression it was her doing, until I probed a bit deeper.

At this stage in the conversation she was making the connections between it all, as we laid it out in front of her. It was awful seeing her so upset, and I haven't pushed it as much since then, though we have talked about it again.

What do I do? Should I push it? I think I know the answer-she needs to go at her own pace. Oh god

She says she'd like him to leave, in an ideal world, or at the very least have separate bedrooms. To all the world he's this cool surfer dude, friend to all blah blah. I can't bloody stand him!

More background is that he has cheated on her, publicly, at least twice. On the last occasion she kicked him to the kerb many years ago, but he wormed his way back.

They have an 11 yo together.

Do you know what, this might be me getting it all out, it has upset me-she is a dear dear friend, one of those people you think about and thank all the lords they are in your life-funny, warm, kind, giving, all that and more. I so want her to be happy, at peace.

The trouble with people like your friend - victims of sustained abuse - is that the distance between realising there is a big problem and actually doing something about it might as well be as far as the moon. They've been 'groomed' into accepting this terrible behaviour, to them it's normal and, after 11+ years, their self-confidence and spirit is at an all time low. They often don't think they'd make it solo. So, even if the cage door was left wide open, she probably wouldn't fly out. Look at her solutions. Him leaving ... very unlikely. Separate bedrooms... half-hearted. Kicks him out... takes him back.

So don't push it, exactly, but don't be frightened to say that you're concerned and will help her in any way she feels is right. Glad she's kept in contact with you despite his best efforts. One day she'll need you

Thanks Cogito. I know you are right. Fills me with despair. It is abuse, sustained is right. He's got a lovely life, she falls into the role he has carved out for her, while he swans about making out he is Mr Nice Guy, when in fact, he is a major TOSSER!

(That felt a tiny bit better).

You're a good friend and obviously a caring person but try not to get too involved in this mess if you can help it. About 20 years ago I 'rescued' a friend who was in a very bad relationship. She had been hospitalised by her DH when pg and I helped get herself, DCs and all her stuff from London to her home town many miles away so that she could be with her family. It was emotional and traumatic all round as you can imagine. A few months later I heard on the grapevine (not directly) that she was back with the DH and they were giving it another go. So I know that despair you're feeling.

Moral of the story is that you can't rescue someone who isn't ready to be rescued. Other moral of the story is that helping someone is often a thankless and stressful task. My friend is still with the DH as far as I know. She's never been in touch since.

Thanks again. I realise she is not ready. On an intellectual level, I believe she sees almost all of it quite clearly, but the reality is too much, the realisation of all she'd have to do to change things. All of her family live here in a small village, plus they are so entwined financially (she, him, and her family). I think she can't bear the thought of it.

I have tried to broach the subject of the potential damaging lessons her ds is learning, but I see the pain in her eyes and I drop it. I suppose I need to keep on, but softly softly.

The trouble is while she is in that situation, how ever much she can intellectualise it and know that its not right, she won't really see it for what it is. I know I didn't and even 2 years on there's still so much I can't actually accept.

I don't know what to suggest really, other than just being there for her and as you say keeping on at her softly softly x

I would refer her to www.pandys.org. Lots of people there have been through similar experiences and will be able to identify and advise.

Thanks both. Jess, that is an excellent site-I had a good look this morning.

The thing is, the more I think about it the more I feel I am blundering about. This isn't meant to be a dripfeed, but of course I should also say that her first, or very early sexual experience was around rape. She told me that in outline some years ago(sounds stupid, but I had almost "forgotten" that until I looked at that site).

She and I have a common bond around bulimia, mine stopped years ago, hers is current and also involves binging without purging, or seeking out ways to strictly control her food intake. She is having/has had various therapy over the years and isn't afraid to seek help for the symptoms.

The cause (currently, and for a long time I think) she's not so confident about dealing with. Like the threads on here when a woman starts off saying she's wrecking her relationship as she's always ill, angry or depressed. Wise Mnetters hear all the story and soon realise that her "depression" will soon clear up if her abusive partner does one.

I was going to get her Bancroft's book, but I found myself thinking "how will she conceal her reading of it from him?" etc. He's not violent, as far as I know, but he is a sulker, if she steps out of line, I've seen it in action.

The positive thing to come out of our recent conversations is that she is going to get out more. She's coming to mine tonight in fact (unless she cries off which she often does). I don't want our get-togethers to be like a seminar, but I might just try to persuade her to register on MN whilst at mine. Hmmm, baby steps.

Sorry for the long posts, it is helping me to find the best way to handle it. I am very aware of your warning about being cast as rescuer Cogito, but at the moment she is going through a more "sociable" phase, a little bit of confidence is seeping back, and I want that to continue.

In my case, my friend actually asked me to rescue her. I wouldn't have acted otherwise. If you're being asked for help, by all means step in and offer support.

And yes, the cod psychology is probably right. If she didn't feel so out of control in such a fundamental area of her life, she probably wouldn't have the mental health issues that are leading to the eating disorder.

Hi PickedPlum. My ex was exactly like you describe your friend's partner to be. Thankfully, we did not have children together, and we didn't live together, so my situation was somewhat different. But I remember feeling extremely trapped, and was utterly convinced that my life would be that way forever. It was horrible.

I don't know if I have any advice, but I can tell you what helped me.

My ex was emotionally and (I think, although I still find it hard to accept) sexually abusive. (He would do all the things you describe in your OP.

Because of his emotional abuse, I stopped wanting to be intimate with me. So, when he put the pressure on me and made me fell guilty for saying no, and felt bad. I felt like it was justifiable because I'd stopped being intimate with him. I felt that there was something wrong with me because the thought of being intimate with anyone had become repulsive. I felt like it was my problem and I needed to fix it. Obviously, I was very wrong, and I am now with an amazing partner and we have a really healthy, wonderful and intimate relationship.

I thought I would mention that in case you notice your friend feeling similar. I know in my case, I felt so weak and afraid that the thought of facing up to the reality of my situation and doing something about it was just too difficult. So, if ever someone said anything that could any way be twisted to justify what he was doing, I would cling to it. Even if what they had said plenty of other things to show how unjustifiable it was, I would cling to what I wanted to hear.

I think its important that your friend knows that his behaviour is without doubt abusive, awful, and not a reflection on how a relationship should be in any way. At all.

However, I also found that, if someone starting ranting about how awful the situation was (even if I had started the rant) I would get defensive, because I felt I was being judged.

The best thing anyone said was, in a very normal, gentle tone, 'you are an adult, and we will support you in whatever decision you make. As long as you are ok with being in an emotionally abusive relationship'. Typed up,that could seem passive aggressive or sarcastic. But it wasn't. It was matter of fact and supportive. I remember going to reply 'but it isnt abusive' and then stopping myself, because at that point it dawned on me that it was.

I felt like I had some control over the situation at that point. I knew it was abuse. I wasn't going crazy. And I had a choice.

It was a few years after that I actually finally left. But it stuck with me and was a key turning point.

I don't have any wonderful advice, I wish I did.

But by just being there for, listening to her, and helping her to realise that there are no circumstances in which his actions can be justified and that it is abuse, you are doing all you can.

I found that it helped more when people talked to me in a matter of fact way rather than an emotional way. I think it helped me to process everything, rather than feeling overwhelmed with emotion, and guilty for making someone feel emotional over my situation.

The fact that she is getting out more is fantastic. It's great that she still has you as a friend and that he hasn't cut her off from you. I found that as I started to realise it was abuse, I started to gain control, which meant I started to get out more, which meant that I started to build my life again and discover myself all over again. He tried desperately to dent my confidence when I did this. But I kept going, my friends kept inviting me out and I kept accepting, and eventually I was able to get out.

I don't know if any of that is even any help. I just wanted to share what helped me, and to say you must be a wonderful friend. Keep being there for her, inviting her out and letting her talk. Do not brush the situation under carpet, I think its ok to gently bring it up if she hasn't in a while.

I hope your friend gets all the support she needs. Your support must be invaluable to her.

Sorry, didn't realise it was so long. It should say, 'stoppoed wanted to be intimate with him' and 'I felt bad' (not and felt bad)

Thank you both for taking the trouble to reply. Sorry that I haven't been back sooner-I'm not often on here at weekends.

Well, LollyPop, what you have written is very thoughtful and helpful, thank you. I think she has been through long periods of self blame, without a doubt.

I hope that this is abating a bit as she is talking to me more often about it, so she knows she has a comrade-in-arms, IYSWIM. The 4th paragraph of your first post is exactly how she has been feeling, taking the blame on herself.

As far as "realisation dawning" is concerned, she is certainly sometimes in denial, but she has a clear view too. We were talking again on Friday night (she did turn up-yay!) and, although she doesn't use the term "abuse" herself, she is quite happy for me to. In fact I asked her if she objected at all to the way I sometimes talk about him, (I can be a bit, er, strident...and sweary ), and what she said was really interesting: She said she felt relief. Relief that she didn't have to pretend and that we could call a spade a spade, if you like.

And you're right about being matter of fact too, I think. It helps her.

GettingStrong, you too are very generous to share your take on this. Re the desperate men argument, when I put it to her, ie that "normal", well adjusted men don't put pressure on their partners to DTD or wank them off continually or at all, she was genuinely taken aback. Even on Friday, she was telling me about how she "prepared" herself to have sex with him this weekend as she knew he would sulk if they didn't. Later that night they and their ds had some family time, and she felt this wouldn't have been possible if she hadn't made sure her dp had sex.

To me that's horrific. She described trying to get herself in the mood (having a nice bath etc) and it sounded like a sacrifice, in the true meaning of the word! Bloody hell. She said she feels that this is fairly normal for most couples, but it isn't IME. I think her boundaries are messed up and she is confusing what couples might do to relax and enjoy themselves before mutually pleasurable sex, and what she feels she has to do to get through it(with gritted teeth) to make sure he doesn't sulk and/or withhold affection later from his son!!!