the other side

[thatstripedthing]

after agonising for oh so long at the tail end of my marriage about leaving, i now look back and cannot believe that i took so long to go. this thought is compounded day in and day out when i read threads on this board. i'll state all of this 'in my own experience' as i don't want to make blanket statements about the status of other peoples relationships but the only positive i can see in staying as long as i did is that i can, hand on heart, say that i did everything and gave every chance i could for the marriage to work. the lightbulb moment came when it dawned on me that it wasn't be tearing the family apart for leaving, it was him tearing the family apart by putting the pub first. however, 18 months later, what the hell did i wait so long for? every day now is infinitely better than the one that has gone before, and there is freedom. oh, the freedom to think, do and say what you like. i wasted too long staying, and i pity that person who feared life 'on the other side'. honestly, if you spend more time thinking about going than staying, go. no matter what the cost. but i'm also interested in what others feel/think about the agonsing and life after..

I agree. I wish I had had the courage to leave earlier.

I guess I will never find that 'someone special' now but at least I am happier not being constantly criticised etc.

To anybody stuck in a damaging relationship I would say get all the help you can, do whatever you need to do to break free.

I must be really stupid then. I've stuck with it for 23 years. I should have realised it was crap from the beginning and left after the first couple of years, but then I wouldn't have had my wonderful DSs. I tried everything including being the worst kind of doormat to make things work and it was all on HIS terms, never mine. But it's still not good enough. I really did think it was all my fault (I know I have elements of an ASD which makes me a bit offhand with people so they don't understand me). I refused sex a few times in the early months of our marriage (tired, issues 'down there') but H was so overbearing and intense it really put me off in the early days, it caused endless problems because he thinks I ruined everything on purpose when 'all I did was love you' and it just became one huge problem. I've literally only just realised that I've wasted so many years trying to change when he won't. Like I said, stupid. The scales are starting to fall though and I've spent much of the last 48 hours soul searching about what's best to do, including coming on here and asking for advice. DS1 is suffering because H is controlling and manipulative towards me (I'm not sure how much DS1 has gleaned of this, he just sees us falling out every weekend) and H tries to control and discipline him when he's the sweetest 13-year-old around who would never hurt anybody or answer back. Yet when he does have a teenagerish moment (a bit of a sulk) H gives him a really hard time and it breaks my heart. I think it's this which has truly opened my eyes. My kids are suffering and I stayed to make it work because I didn't want to make them homeless. I'm just scared to make the first step because I don't have much money of my own aside from what a small home typing job brings in (H earns the majority of the money) and I have to find an alternative income, which terrifies me because I'm 47 and not worked in an office environment for such a long time and would struggle to even get an interview at my age. But at the same time I think I'm going to have to grow a pair and stop relying on him so much because I think that's what he likes, even though he doesn't seem very fond of me at the moment (although he says he wants to love me but I won't let him ).

I'm not even sure if finding someone else if we do split up is even something I want. I know I'm saying that now and might feel differently X number of years down the line, but I don't feel I am very good at relationships or even friendships (though that might be down to a lack of confidence H has not helped with) but I really feel that if I were free and lived in my own little place with my boys I would be a lot happier. My sister is single due one too many bad relationships years ago and she seems happy. So, myroomisatip, your comment "To anybody stuck in a damaging relationship I would say get all the help you can, do whatever you need to do to break free" I am going to have to start the process. As usual I've written 3000 words when 30 will do but I do feel better that I'm gradually getting all this off my chest.

Well done OP, it looks like you've started a bit of a support group

I too hung on in a really damaging relationship far too long in the hope that things would get better, and it makes me want to scream when I read about mumsnetters hanging on to something that's been rotting and taking up space for years. Go for it, Donething - it's never too late!

Rotting - good word. Festering - another good word. Putrid - hell yeah. Yuk. Nuff said.

Thank you OP for this post - I'm married to an alcoholic and I think I've hung on far too long. I need all the courage I can get to go, and stay gone.

I remember the sheer relief and joy when I came home, after ex-H and I split up. Seeing him slumped in a chair, smelling of booze, still wearing his jacket from the night before. I thought, "you are not my problem any more.". Sheer relief and joy.

I have very few regrets in my life, colourful and peppered with mistakes though it has been. :) The one big regret I have, however, is that I thought I had to 'stick with it' and 'make a go of it' and 'take the rough with the smooth' just because we were 'soul mates' ..... and not kick the miserable git to the kerb the second he stepped out of line.

thanks for the responses thus far - it would appear that those those on the other side feel similar to me... Interesting to me also, though, is that drink seems to be a common element too. just musing here, but i wonder if men feel they have to 'hang in there' in the same way? i'm not convinced they do. please, if you read this and are clinging on, take it from those who have walked the walk and cried the tears, it's just not worth it.....

I stuck with it though the drinking and the gambling and the debt because I'd married him but in the end decided it would be better to be ashamed to be divorced than near suicidal. As it was, I felt no shame, just relief. I also can't believe it took me so long (3 years ), it was partly that I couldn't face doing it as I dreaded how he would react. The short term pain was worth it. I'm happier now than I have ever been. I was happy single and now I'm living with someone who lights up my life.

In my experience life is much much much better on the other side.

I just have to reply to this too.
I am 23 years in too and should have left after 23 days.
I was a teenager with no relationship experience. I really only realised something wasnt right about three years ago when I started reading the threads on here.

The ads I take, the never being good enough, endless critism. The ea is so ingrained in me I dont know who I am anymore. Ive changed my user name so many times because im ashamed ive not taken the fantastic advice on here even though I kmow its right and in mine and my dcs best interests (and im scared any fucker will shout at me

Anyway I've started counselling and dream of a lovely little house with me and the kids. I just need to find the strength to make that leap.
Its really good to hear the nice stories of those who are free.

X

I've just got out of a marriage which I can only now just see what slowly killing me as a person. He is still living here.

I read "too good to leave, too bad to stay" and "stay or leave" By Beverley stone. I only got 1/3rd of way through the "stay or leave" when I realised I HAD to get out. I'm Excited about the future (and realistic too I think!!)

My h wasn't a drinker but he did tell me "I don't actually want to talk to you" - delightful

I mean he told me that as a blanket statement, not a one off... He just didn't want to talk to me, full stop.

I am there. He is here but on sofa. He goes next weekend. I am struggling so hard with myself to let/make him go. I just can't do anymore. I hate hate hate the thought if being without him but am scared of staying with him. I don't know who i am or what I want. I don't know who I am. I so want to go downstairs but I know I must not.

Here,here!
I wasted a good part of my nieve/gullible teens to early 20's (5yrs)with a bit older fw domestic abuser(to sum it up),and everyday since I look back and wish i left sooner,I am now happier than iv ever been and my dd is being brought up in a stable home.
Mainly I stayed so long because I felt responsible for him in every way and with lacking life experience and being a people pleaser didn't actually know that I'd deserved better and didn't have to put up with it.
I am still in early 20s so haven't wasted a great deal of my life but did miss out on a crucial part,and il forever kick myself for doing so..
Be proud that you do have the strength to get rid...
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And sorry if thread was directed at long term married only.

Oh yes OP I completely understand where you're coming from. I realised in my first year of marriage that I'd made a mistake but I stuck it out for another 16 years, because I'd made my bed etc. I did try to end it a few years ago but he did the thing he always did, "If I lose you and the DCs I'll kill myself" so I stuck it out for three more years. Until HE had an affair and decided life with the other woman was better.

I think I'll always be angry for my "lost" years, and I don't ever want to be in a long term relationship again, and most certainly never want to be married again, but I am so happy with my life. It's been nearly a year now and looking back on the me now to the me this time last year, I'm a completely different person. I don't know how my Ex wore me down the way he did; he was always the victim, I always had to support him but he never offered me support, he never wanted to hear about me it was all about him constantly, it still is. He chipped away at my confidence and self esteem and I never even saw it happening, he controlled me in ways I didn't realise I was being controlled, I just went along with things for an easy life because he would cry and mope and be sad if he didn't get his own way and then if he still didn't get his own way, he would lie, and sometimes steal and lie to get the new gadget he needed. Now when I look at him or speak to him it's as if something has been lifted from my perspective, I see him for the self-centred, self absorbed man he has always been. It pisses him off that he can't control me and I take great pleasure in doing little things so that he doesn't get one bit of control over me. He doesn't learn from his mistakes, he carries on trying to treat me like I'm nothing and I just play him at his own game. In the past 12 months he has not managed to score one point over me. After he left and he was happily ensconced with the OW he told me I would be a bitter and lonely single woman - I had to point out that I was never so bitter and lonely as when I was married to him, and single is brilliant. At least I can be by myself whereas he needs a woman to support him and I don't doubt for a minute that he's playing the same victim role with the OW.

When I was married I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror, I even brushed my teeth sitting on the side of the bath so I wouldn't have to look at myself. Now I see a happy, buoyant, well groomed woman staring back at me, with a little twinkle in my eye.

For me life on the other side is SO good. I'm happier, so the DCs are happy and while I worry about money and keeping things afloat and struggling with a social life because I have young DCs. I bounce out of bed every morning happy to face a new day, because it's a day when I'm not married to him.

Alicia that just brought a little tear to my eye (and since leaving exH tears are a rare occurrence!).

I stayed for 13 years when I should never have given him the time of day in the first place.

I always knew it wasn't right, I always knew there was something missing. Everything was always such hard work; getting him to listen, getting him to help, getting him to be involved in anything that wasn't just "fun".

And now life is straightforward and easy. I used to have to lie at work about constant eye infections because my eyes would get so sore from crying alone.

I lost my entire 20s to a man who never appreciated me.

But I've got plenty more years to go.

Everyone comments on how happy and well I look now. Everyone says how nice it is that I'm always so cheerful.

If you have doubts over a long period of time, and if life is more sad than happy (and not because of terrible life events, just on a day to day basis), then for god's sake leave. My dcs are so much happier now too. It's all good.

No more millstone.