Not a MIL problem really, but DH and his Mother

[maillotjaune]

I have asked for advice about my MIL before under this and previous names...not sure how to support DH in this mess.

DH has a difficult relationship with his mother going back forever. She lives abroad but visits UK frequently staying with a friend.

A couple of weeks ago she completely lost it with him after a normal conversation where he had called her judgement into question (quite calmly, valid reason for doing so) resulting in her shouting at him, calling him really unpleasant names, and leaving him very upset. I wasn't there, but he told me about it shortly after and having witnessed similar outbursts over the years I have no doubt it happened as he said.

Now she has started emailing frequently asking when she can come round - DH called her to try to speak to her about what happened and to cut a long story short she basically said it didn't happen so there is nothing to talk about. In fact it must be all his fault for being such a bad son...

On many occasions when she has been angry with him for various things she has suggested they never see each other again. I don't really know how serious she is about this (DH is only child so ours are the only grandchildren she will have and they are still young, so we can't just pack them off to see her) but for the first time DH has said perhaps she is right. He is still so upset that his mother (who has had a lot of forgiveness from him for some pretty atrocious behaviour) could just be so nasty to him and then deny it ever happened.

I have deliberately not put details of everything as I thought it would be too long, but have ended up going on for ages anyway. Sorry. Really don't know what to do, and I now have her asking ME if she can come round. My feeling is no, not until she resolves things with DH but I now feel caught between her, DH and our children (and their relationship with her iyswim) and don't know how to support him.

Fwiw I would be perfectly happy not to see her again, but this isn't really about me.

If you've got this far then thank you

Really sorry, I've read it all and although I don't have any advice to give as have similar situation My heart goes out to you all. I read all the IL thread just to gain perspective myself.

Hope things get better for you DH and you. So terrible she acts the way she does to her only DS.

Good luck

Your DH has what is known as FOG in spades re his mother; fear, obligation and guilt. She has done a right number on him.

He is still very afraid of her and wants her approval; approval she will never give him.

I would go no contact with such a toxic person; she is emotionally maladjusted and has blamed DH for all her inherent ills like all toxic parents do. They never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. They re-write history to suit themselves. It is NOT your DH's fault she is like this; her own childhood was likely to have been abusive on some level.

If she is too toxic for yourselves to deal with, she is certainly too toxic for your children to have any sort of contact with.

I would give your DH a copy of "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and encourage him to have counselling. Show him too the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages. There is generally a lot of information on the net about toxic parents and what damage they cause.

I wouldn't get caught between them, support your DH if he decides not to contact her or tough it out. She shouldn't act like that and then deny it happened brushing it under the carpet. Others will have more advice for him, she sounds awful and he shouldn't have to put up with his behaviour.

Just one thing though, don't pack your children off to her on their own or leave them along together without you being around. If she make her grown up son so upset, what would she do with your children?

What does DH want to do? I think you should back whatever decision he makes. Having said that I think you both need to take a stand. Her behaviour is appalling. I would say don't tolerate it anymore. She may start behaving the same way towards your children. She has brought it on herself.

Thanks for replying.

I think that part of the reason this incident has affected him more is that he is starting to accept (rather than just saying he knows) that she really is never going to change and that she no longer brings him anything but upset.

I just feel quite helpless. Time to get him that book I think.

Cross posted sorry, she won't be having the children without one of us there in a hurry (DH has always been against that and he doesn't trust her to be sensible - that looks worse to me now I write it down, but she is terrible with time / feeding her self at sensible times etc and they find her a bit much sometimes as she is so intense with them)

I would be extremely careful about allowing any contact between your children and your MIL. Infact I would not, she is too toxic for your defenceless and vulnerable children to be around and your H is not strong enough to stand up to her.

Some parents really should not have access to their grandchildren.

Firstly I don't think you should get involved in this latest dispute, other than in support of your DH.

I think (unless the situation is having a serious impact on your whole family unit) you have to accept he needs to come to his own decision here.

However, it seems from what you have posted that MIL will continue to repeat the same pattern until your DH actively chooses to break it. Maybe this is what you should point out to him.

How he "breaks" this cycle is up to him, but just sweeping these outbursts under the table with no consequence just means you are waiting for the next time it happens.

Personally - given she is behaving like a 2 year old in a tantrum I would start to treat her like one. She has an outburst and she goes to the naughty step (no contact) for a month or until she says sorry. She has another outburst within that month (if she has apologised) and the clock re-sets.

This should be about the way she acts and the consequences. If she can't change to save her relationship with her son then it's an indicator of its value to her and should help your DH (if needed) to see he may be better off without her in his life.

DH does stand up to her when the children are concerned - in fact it is one of the major causes of arguments between them because we don't ask her to look after them / babysit when she is around. And we have not accepted her invitation to visit her on holiday (because it would be more hard work than going to work and not a holiday at all).

Actually it's not entirely true to say this is the cause of arguments, because reaction is as likely to be ignoring all of us and refusing to talk about things for a while (from hours to weeks) before carrying on as if nothing has happened.

She has also fallen out with lots of other relatives but still insists none of it is her fault, is that typical? Actually this is making me realise how wound up I have been getting by it all for over 20 years

Really appreciate the advice, lots to think about.