Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

New relationship, not sure whether to continue

23 replies

Feelingtorn · 13/06/2013 11:54

I have namechanged for this. I have recently started going out with a lovely man who I have know for a year through a club we both attend. He is lovely, kind, attentive and on paper the perfect boyfriend. However, I am just not sure that I am feeling that "spark". We do have a laugh when we are together but I think that something may be missing. He is quite awkward with women and doesn't really have any experience. Also, I am hanging my head in shame saying this but I am sometimes quite embarrassed to be seen with him with some of the things he wears. H is like a 50 year old man in a 33 year old man's body. I know how shallow that makes me sound.

In so many ways we is lovely and I could see a future there but I think that at the moment he is more into me than the other way round. I am not sure whether it is wrong to wait and see what happens or whether I should end it now.

OP posts:

roz1982 · 13/06/2013 12:04

my instinct upon reading your post was that you should probably finish it. Sounds like you might get bored of this man. It all sounds very 'lovely' but is it enough? my feeling is, if the spark isn't there now, I doubt it ever will be.

retiredgoth2 · 13/06/2013 12:06

I think you have answered your own question-

If it ain't right, then it just ain't.

It isn't a kindness to continue if you feel the way that you seem to suggest that you do..

Original poster

Feelingtorn · 13/06/2013 12:10

I just feel awful like I have led him on or something

OP posts:

SunRaysthruClouds · 13/06/2013 12:34

If it helps IME if the spark isn't there then you should end it. In my case (I am a man) I met a lovely lady on line. The spark wasn't there for me from the beginning but we got on really well, so I hoped and believed that the spark would grow.

It never did and I ended it after 18 months because it took me that long to realise I was never going to feel the way she did. She was devastated and I felt truly awful, but it was the right thing to do and would have been better ended much earlier on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/06/2013 12:42

You haven't led him on, you've tried each other out. That's what dating is... try before you buy. :) If it's not working and it's fairly recent then end it before he gets too attached to you. It only becomes cruel when you know it's over but drag it on regardless.

OhTiger · 13/06/2013 13:13

Oh, FeelingTorn, I have just started a similar thread. I've been mulling all week what to do and come to the conclusion I have to end it. But the GUILT. Why do we feel so guilty, and responsible for others feelings? I don't know why. In my head I know I'm not happy and need to end it, yet all I can think of is how sad he will be and arrrggh. It's horrible. Sympathies.

wannabestressfree · 13/06/2013 13:19

Feeling guilty is what makes you a decent person I think. The fact you aren't flippant with peoples emotions.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/06/2013 13:25

A feminist will tell you that feeling guilty is the culmination of centuries of patriarchal brainwashing that women should be kind, loyal and duty-bound to keep others (mostly men) happy at all costs, putting their own emotions to one side at all times and regarding themselves as 'selfish' if they dare step out of this self-sacrificing, doormat construct .... whereas men should be out there 'playing the field' in a 'love em and leave em' manner, 'sowing their wild oats', 'treating em mean, and keeping em keen'.... You see what you're up against? :)

Lweji · 13/06/2013 13:27

You haven't led him on.
We can only know how we feel if we give it a chance.
You did and it's not working out.
It's a shame, but it's better if you move on now rather than later.

OhTiger · 13/06/2013 13:28

I like the feminists [wan smile]

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/06/2013 13:50

I like us as well. :) It's very tough to reject all that social 'nice girls' conditioning & turn yourself into Hard-Hearted Hannah long enough to kick yet another dopey (but pleasant) sap to the kerb... but if you don't, you can sleep-walk into disaster. I wonder how many people end up getting married to someone just because they don't have the heart to end it...

SolidGoldBrass · 13/06/2013 13:54

It's fine to decide a relationship isn't working for you and to end it. You don't owe him a relationship, nor do you owe him a detailed explanation of your reasoning. It's fine to say, look fuglynuts this isn't really working out for me, you're a very nice man but we're not suited, bye. It's much better to do that than let things drag on till you hate him.

OhTiger · 13/06/2013 13:54

In my current pickle I can totally see how it happens (marrying the wrong one because easy).

I'm one of the quickest to shout LTB, but lives are complicated aren't they? And at the time cancelling all the plans made and making someone upset.... Yep, totally conditioned to 'keep the man of the house happy'.

I need to get my Ann Oakley back on.

Original poster

Feelingtorn · 13/06/2013 14:27

It's just that I have ended it in the past with 2 other completely lovely men. One of whom I am still friends with 12 years later and am convinced if we had met when we were 10 years older (I was 16 when we met) things could have turned out differently. My only other long term relationship was with my husband (7 years) and he was a total rat yet I was totally besotted with him. I just can't seem to get it right.

I think this is the quandry, I don't want to let a 3rd lovely guy slip through my fingers without giving him a good try even though I am not sure just yet. So far we have known each other a year, started having dates at the end of April and officially became bf and gf on Sunday.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 13/06/2013 15:50

Feelingtorn, remember that it's OK to be single. It's much better to be single than to have a relationship with a man, unless that man is so marvellous that he really makes your life better. Despite all the propaganda that a woman without a male owner partner is miserable, lonely, wierd and a failure, single women are far happier on the whole than women in couple-relationships.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 13/06/2013 15:58

It's pretty easy to get them to change their clothes. So I wouldn't worry about that.

arequipa · 13/06/2013 20:50

It makes me sad to read your post because I remember a night 12 years ago when I nearly finished a relationship feeling similar to you but didnt... due to empathy, fondness, wanting a child and security... I have been in a sad marriage with a kind person, have DS, nice home and felt dead inside for years. (And it is a draining battle to be clothes advisor). Not recommended.

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 14/06/2013 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bant · 14/06/2013 12:11

Cogito - the feminist may say that, but they'd be talking rubbish. I feel guilty when I end it with someone if there isn't a spark. Lots of men do.

Breaking up with someone who likes you, because you don't feel the spark, is going to hurt them - and any decent person doesn't like hurting other people. If feminists say that all men are shit and don't care whether they inflict pain or not, then I've suddenly lost all respect for them. We're different, yes, but we're not downright evil.

Torn - you could do something about the clothes by going shopping with him and encouraging him to buy less dowdy things. Seeing him in an outfit which doesn't make you embarrassed may possibly help with the spark, but it's really unlikely. If not, tell him that the spark isn't there, you see him as a friend but understand if he doesn't want to be friends in the future..

Lweji · 14/06/2013 20:41

It's pretty easy to get them to change their clothes.
Not necessarily.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 14/06/2013 21:58

Bant I think you are confusing guilt with empathy. Guilt is when you feel you are doing something wrong. This is not something the OP should feel because she is not doing anything wrong. Quite the contrary. She can still break up with him and empathise with his rejected feelings.

Re Clothes. This is a tough one. On one hand there is "these colours look great on you" / "have you tried those bell bottoms in a paisley print" / "why don't I get you a personal shopping experience for your birthday?" - which is fine if in all other respects you really want to be with that person. On the other "why don't I pick up where your mother left off and buy all your pants for you and make it my job to improve serve you"

Original poster

Feelingtorn · 15/06/2013 08:46

I think I am being cowardly because I am worried that it will be really awkward at the club that we both attend. He has seen my boobs fgs Fortunately that's all he has seen as we haven't slept together. I just don't know what to do. We haven't told anyone at the club, apart from one person who I am really good friends with and I am reluctant to "go public" until I have made a final decision.

OP posts:

meditrina · 15/06/2013 09:15

If you've not "gone public", feel embarrassed by his appearance (which I think you'd find wouldn't be a factor if you really liked him) and don't feel a spark, thisis all telling you he's not the one for you.

The purpose of dating is to establish whether someone is a person you see a future with. You're not doing anything wrong to discover that this isn't that person - indeed you're doing it exactly right. And it is a sign of your consideration and kindness that you don't want to be hard on him. But that is better achieved by a decent and fair break up, than by prolonging something unsatisfactory.

Flip