What to do about DF and wedding?

[breakfastinbread]

Hi, lurked here for a while, but not posted.

Need some rational thoughts about this, as me and DP can't really be un-biased.

We're getting married later this year. This however, is on a background of my parents getting divorced about 7 yrs ago. (Amicable, no one else involved, instigated by DM, but did seem to hit DF hard).

DF is not from the UK, and 5 yrs ago moved back to the country of his birth. He has refused to come back to the UK since then to see me or my DB- for Xmas, holidays, whatever, on grounds that he won't ever be in the same country as DM again(!)

Since being invited to our wedding, we have heard nothing from him. DP therefore rang him to find out what was happening, and he confirmed that he has no intention of coming to our wedding - citing that he didn't want to see DM again.

The thing I find most baffling is that I always had a good relationship with him. Since he moved abroad, things seem to have changed. He never contacts me unless I initiate it. He never visits (despite me and DB both separately being across to see him).

I feel fed up and hurt, and essentially "cut out" by my own father.

What should I do? I don't want to have to beg DF to come to my wedding. Am very tempted just to draw a line and have nothing to do with him again.

No one has to come to your wedding.

No don't beg him to come, just draw a line in the sand and accept he won't come.

But you don't have to totally cut him off. Just realise that; he is selfish and will put himself and his grudge against your mother ahead of you. That doesn't mean he is all bad, but neither is he a saint. Sometimes adults can act very childishly, this is one of them.

Of course if he lives overseas, and refuses to ever come to the county where you live, then you will drift apart.

I don't think you should do anything. By cutting him off entirely, you just cause more greief for yourself and your wedding day will forever be cemented in your mind with the fact that you no longer talk to your Dad.

I think you have to accept his decision and move forward. It's upsetting, yes, and it might be worthwhile telling him you feel that way later on but don't allow your wedding to become all about this. Just enjoy your day with the family and friends who are coming to celebrate with you.

TBH, if you never see him anymore your relationship is likely to flounder on its own anyway

Thanks for your input. I know that he doesn't have to come, and I'm trying very hard to sound like an angry child over this!

I want him to be there, and I also want him to want to be there. It makes me feel very rejected, because from my point of view he appears to be putting his own feelings towards DM ahead of his only daughter wanting her dear old dad there on her wedding day!

With regards to not speaking to him again - I know that if I don't make the effort to contact him, it's exactly the same as cutting him out, as he won't make the effort himself. I can't see why I should bother from now on, as he obviously doesn't see having a relationship with me or DB as an important part of his life.

It's just going to be such a big gaping hole on the day.

Can he afford to come? Could he be suffering with depression? It could be that he is so hurt by what happened he cannot face you - the mind is an odd thing. I would tell him I love him, would really like it if he was there to share my day but that I understand why he may not want to. He may not feel strong enough to face old friends and family.