IL nightmare

[lemmingcurd]

To cut story short... we are moving back to the UK tomorrow and leaving DH's home country. ILs behaving like it's the end of the world and since the decision was taken have completely refused to speak to me, literally turning their back to avoid me. What's worse they have told DCs who are 8 and 9 that I am selfish and that they couldn't care less about me.
I cannot stand my ILs but have tolerated them for sake of DH and family harmony, and because they have helped with DCs even though I would have preferred help from elsewhere IYSWIM.
Anyway DS comes home from ILs yesterday full of rage against me, saying I am stupid and selfish and think only of myself, then tells me the above comments from PIL, so obvious where DS outburst came from.
DCs supposed to be returning with DH to spend summer here while I stay in UK for work reasons with youngest DC. Trouble is I don't want more toxic crap from ILs creating confusion about the relocation. WWYD?
Thanks if u got this far!

What does your husband say? I think you need to talk very seriously with him befause there is no way my kids would be going backnthere as long as this is allowed to continue.

Told DH about the selfish comment which was first mentioned by DS about a month ago, and told him that ILs needed to keep their opinions to themselves otherwise they would damage the DCs. Haven't told him about the latest episode , also because he's extremely stressed anout the move

Be grateful your leaving. Would reconsider allowing dc's back over summer on basis they do not need to hear this stuff.

If u decided to let them you need to set ground rules with dh and ils before you leave. Their behaviour is unacceptable etc if there is any recurrence they will no longer be trusted wih dc's visiting without you present and presumably you wyont be visiting based on their behaviour.

Regardless I think dh needs to step up and discuss their behaviour with them and defend you. Guessing it was a joint decision to relocate/? He needs to make it clear.

sorry don't want to drip feed but it's quite complex. Relocation has been on hold since 2008 because of DH reluctance and IL constant guilt tripping. Not supposed to be permanent either, but none of DH family are interested in listening.

you don't need to do anything.

Your husband needs to deal with his toxic family. So often on these threads we get the DIL asking what she should do about her husband's family. It's his family, let him sort them.

I have recently seen my inlaws (also not from UK, and we are living in their country) for the first time in 9 years. They are behaving themselves with me now, but long story short, I was told even I couldn't go and visit my own country now I had a child because my place was here, with them. Fuck that.

I have never had an issue with dp taking dd to see them, but it was tacitly understood that the first day I was badmouthed would be the last time she went.

If you are talking next summer when they first come to spend the summer with them, that's a long way ahead and I wouldn't worry about it. If it's this summer, I would probably insist on it being a v short visit and not without you or dh. On the basis, tbh, that they are still too young to be without you for any length of time.

If they have already badmouthed you, as your OP states, then that would be the dealbreaker for me.

My MIL is a bitch and I will dance on her grave, but AFAIK she has never done that. Too clever and sly. Because she knows what effect it would have.

Are you not concerned that DH will bow to family pressure and your DC will not return to the UK after their "summer vacation"?

If the family is that bad, that would concern me Hearts.

We need to know more about him and his attitude to his parents OP.

I have the same worry as hearts.

Why go back "home" (where you are now is home to your children) for holidays when you have just moved, instead of letting your children get accustomed to life in Britain before school starts? Give them a chance to settle and make friends!

With your husband this reluctant, and the inlaws turning your kids against you, I would worry that they are now working to get you back to the UK and out of their lives, and husband and dc plans to return.

What is the reasoning behind them going back for holidays? Why is your dh reluctant to move to the UK? Does he have work lined up for him?
Do you work in his country?

I would move to the UK.
Then talk to your DH about all this, and see if he steps up to speaking to his parents/laying down the law.

My DC would not be spending the whole summer back with your ILs. If nothing else they need to settle in the UK and get to know people. Find some good holiday activities to book them into (MN Local can be good for that).

Your toxic Ils have damaged your H (he is unable and or unwilling to stand up for himself due to their conditioning him to be like this) and now they are starting again on your children.

Fortunately you have come from a family unit unlike this but your mistake (this is typical thinking of those who have come from emotionally healthy family units) was to actually tolerate any of this at all for the sake of DH and family harmony. You are actually dealing with dysfunctional people and normal rules of familial relations therefore do not and have never applied.

Do not let your children be any more unduly influenced by these toxic inlaws of yours than they have already been. Your job is to protect these young people from such malign influences. Also if they are too difficult for you to deal with, they are certainly too much for your vulnerable and defenceless children.

I'd tell DC never to speak to me like that again, and ensure they do not go to IL's alone for the duration of the rest of my stay.

Tell your DH about it.

I personally would not under any circumstances return to the country of the IL's nor would I allow my children to return either, if they have such a great influence over the children and your DH.

thanks for all replies. Not unduly worried about DH refusing to return as youngest DC (we have 3) will be staying with me in the summer and DH and I have our own company which is v important to him. Wanted DCs to enjoy the summer with their friends in DH country, as this is the 1 thing they are finding hard about the move