I need help. I am the problem.

[Namechange99]

I'm a namechanged regular. I don't really want this hanging on my usual name, as some people in RL know it.

Not sure where to start really. This is about general family relationships.
My family has been through an awful lot in the last few years, reluctant to put it all down, as it may out me, but there's been bereavement, major health problems, mental health problems (dc) as well as many, many other things. It's been shit, to put it mildly.

My children fight. I know that all siblings fight, it's part of growing up etc, but this is my problem. I cannot deal with it at all.
I will do my best to try to calmly deal with it, and succeed to a point, but the sheer relentlessness grinds me down, and I get to a point where I completely lose it. I become frightening.
Tonight, dc2 was climbing onto dc1's bed throwing books at him, and I grabbed him off, hurting him in the process.
I don't hit them, but in stopping them doing things, I end up hurting them - not deliberately (now it sounds like I'm protesting too much :()
Dc1 started off the fight tonight, taking dc2's iPod and deleting stuff off it.
I lost it and swore at him.

If you knew me, you would know that this isn't me. I've always been patient and hate fighting/shouting/confrontation, but it's like I can't cope with stuff anymore, and it turns me into a really horrible, lashing out type person.

Part of me feels I should leave, that they would be much better off without me, but DH has health problems, which mean he wouldn't cope alone.
He has suggested I go to see the GP, but I don't know what they would do.
I need a break, but there is no way of having one. I just want to run away sometimes, but I can't.
In between times, I am fine, I am a normal mother, I love my children, I do normal mother things, but when things get on top of me, I turn into something else, and I hate it.

I took dc1 out for a drive to try to sort things out. I mentioned the fighting, and he just said "but all brothers and sisters fight". I know in a way he's right, they do, so I know the problem is me.

How do I sort myself out?

You are in a family group. I don't get that you are the problem. There is obviously a difficult dynamic going on, but it's not exclusively your fault.

All of us struggle under pressure, and if you are managing to do all the normal mother things most of the time, can you feel proud of that?

If you go to the gp, she might ask you to fill out a mood questionnaire and if you score on it, she might refer you to counselling. It certainly sounds like you could talk it through with a 3rd party.

I lose it sometimes too.

We have been having family therapy with CAMHS, which dh and I have found helpful.
Most of the time, I am absolutely fine, if I filled out a mood questionnaire, the vast majority of the time, it would be fine.

I scare myself, because the way I become, say, once a month or so, would probably be within the realms of abusive - the aggression that flares up in me, I've read enough threads here to recognise that, but this isn't something that has always been there.
If I was writing this about dh, I suspect some would say ltb.

But this is me, I just want to stop this happening, because it really isn't me.

Could p m t be playing a part here? You said around once a month. I would go to the doctor, you sound like you need help

NC99, could you possibly have pmt... I think I'm really easy going, but there were times when I turned into a screeching monster, It took me a while to realise it was hormonal.
I'd also suggest you go to your gp, but also be kind to yourself, look after yourself. You obviously know your triggers... did you have sibblings

I don't get involved at all in whose fault it was (there's always more backstory than we are aware of) or who will win; I do my best to help them find something they are all happy with.

My central principle is: back off. As far as possible, I leave my children to work out their own relationship, and try to give them the tools to negotiate mutually agreeable solutions.

And it's a lot more complicated than just what you are doing - if the children are really stressed in other parts of their lives, they are likely to be less nice to each other. Can you help relieve some of those stresses? [disclaimer: smug home educating bastard]

I've been an abused woman. You are not like an abuser, take it from someone who knows.

The thing with abuse is that it stems either from entitlement (feeling that you are allowed to hurt people to get your own way) or from frustration (lashing out without thinking about what you are doing at the time). Neither is acceptable to the person on the receiving end, but the former is usually impossible to change, while the latter isn't. You fall into the latter category.

In most situations the onus is on the abuser to change their situation and find more effective ways of dealing with their frustration. In your case, the only way of doing that is to get more help (which I imagine you've already been begging for) or to leave (which I imagine you feel is totally unacceptable because of where it will leave your family). We're not talking about a difficult job or a pressing debt here - all of which can be managed -we're talking about a distressing situation that cannot be made to go away. Give yourself a break. You are not a typical abuser.

All that said, you cannot go on like this as you are well aware. You DO need that break. Next time you get the CAMHS questionnaire, fill it in as you would on a day where you've lost it with the DC. That help IS there - you just have to be considered a priority to get there. Admit you're not coping anywhere near as well as you appear to be and you'll get it.

Hope things get better soon.

I think in the first instance, the fact that you recognise your meltdowns are a problem suggests to me you are not abusive. You are, however, reacting to a stressful situation in a way you don't like and which may have a negative impact on your dc.

I guess I am wondering why your DH thinks you need to go to the gp, when these are family problems, and you both have accessed family therapy. Does he think you would benefit from individual counselling to talk over some of the bigger issues, or maybe an outsider perspective? I have done a short course of solutions based therapy, and it really helped me get to the bottom of my stressors, and the feeling I could never stop. So would completely recommend something like this, but would guard against any assumption that this is only your problem.

We have massive amounts of stress. Every time we think it's easing off, there is more around the corner. There doesn't seem to be a way of avoiding it, and I am the one who has to deal with it.
It definitely makes the dc act up, which adds to stress levels etc.

I'm still BFing my baby, so no periods as yet, not sure if I would still get pmt? The month or so was more a timescale iyswim.

I back off, but should I still back off when they are hurting each other?
They don't come to mutually agreeable solutions, ever. They bicker on and wind each other up non stop. Like I said before, it's relentless, and I can't cope with it any more.

I nearly walked out tonight. But I couldn't bring myself to.

If you didn't step in, would the DCs do serious physical damage to each other? If not, and if you can actually make yourself do it, maybe it is time to start stepping back and letting them sort things out between themselves, unless there is a major disparity in age/size. It sounds like you are taking on responsibility for too much in the family, including everyone's emotional wellbeing.

It is even possible that the DC's fights escalate to this level because they know that you will step in - if they don't have that external control, they might start learning to reign themselves in. But they might not - that kind of depends on their age, maturity, personalities etc. Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry?

Oh bless you, you must be utterly exhausted. Is your health visitor any good about local support, if you don't want to see your gp?

Go to your doctor. Anti-depressants would help. Or try taking something like st johns wort that you can get in boots. It can really help to just take the edge off.

Do you know, I have never let them finish a fight! I've always roared and stopped it!
I've never thought about it like that. I'll leave them to it tomorrow, and see what happens!

I'll have a look at the book, thank you.

Before you just leave them to it, it might be a good idea to warn them that you are not going to intervene so it is their responsibility to sort things out between them.

The first few times it may not go well, as they probably won't believe that you won't step in, but if you stand by what you say, they may start to change their behaviour.

I may hide all the knives and potential weapons.

Do warn them that that is what you are going to do though, in a right I've had enough of being a ref, way.

One other thing, every time they start to argue, feed them and give them a drink. Its a good distraction, and a lot of stress tension, in boys especially, comes from low blood sugar levels. Boys are like dogs, they need food water and exercise!! - wise words I was told long ago

Yep, I agree on the food and drink, but also tiredness. Bickering between my two was always 100x worse when they were tired and/or hungry.

You sound tired, exhausted, depleted. I hope that doesn't make you feel worse. Sometimes it's better to accept the obvious, however unapalatable.

I agree you have to invest in yourself. I sometimes wonder if life really is plain-sailing, troubles are unusual. It's easy to see a crisis and think to hold on, batten down the hatches, survive, until the crisis passes. But life often lurches from crisis to crisis - what are you supposed to do? You can't be on high-alert, under seige, year after year. You may as well let go and go with the flow. You may as well enjoy yourself when you can.

Sometimes, the crisis quota in my life gets so ridiculous I throw up my hands and say 'this is absurd' and kind of give up. It's not a defeatist giving up, more of a go placidly.

You probably want to screech at the screen at what seems like my platitudes. I do speak as one who has had unbelievable stress, heartache, pain and difficulty in my life for a long time. You have to get into a different gear.