So low... Solo?

[Whatnow31]

I think I might be in an abusive relationship. My other half makes me feel like everything is my fault. I'm a really honest person and I always tell him off when he uses a belittling tone or starts with the 'you never do this or that' talk. I relax when he is not around. When he's nice he's lovely but there's always this fear in me that it will return to the abusive stuff.

Shit list:
Told me once he hated me
I have a weak character
I never make him feel cared about
Throws things in anger occasionally
Reminds me of what he has done for me and how I do nothing for him e.g things I deem to be basic I.e not drink excessively.
Said weird things to scare me
When I had a car crash, he went mad cos I called my mum to tell her because she was the only number I had in my memory because my phone died.
Told me his friends are more important to him because I've only been around 2 years.

This is just some of it. I did hit him once during a row but never again.

I have no friends and no family to tell. No kids involved. Feel terrible. I'm 31 and never thought I'd make such bad choices.

That doesn't sound good.
Is there a reason why you are with him?

I always believed I could be the one to make him happy. His dad died when he was a kid through not having a blood transfusion (Jehovah's witness) and when he told his mum he didn't agree with why his dad died, he was thrown out of the family at 11. Informally adopted by another family and turned to self harm and drink.

I thought I could give him stability. There was something I recognised in myself about him weirdly enough.

He sounds horrible. What is keeping you in this relationship? Look at making friends, get yourself a support network and leave. Life is too short to stay with someone who makes you feel terrible.

But I don't know how to make friends. :-(

why are you with him? run for the hills while you don't have kids - you're still young

Fear and hope is mainly keeping me there. I'm foolish I know.

read 'women who love too much' and consider counselling

You shouldn't feel it is your role in life to make this man happy. He has to deal with his own demons. You are not his rescuer. Rescue yourself first.

Even if it's not abusive (and I don't doubt you, I'm just trying to remind you that you don't need to label the relationship abusive before you are 'allowed' to leave it...) it sounds like the relationship is all about his needs. Are you supported? Are your needs acknowledged? are they ever met?

Even if he had a tough childhood, treating his partner like dirt should not be a coping mechanism for his anger and feelings of inadequacy.

You aren't obliged to tolerate a relationship that makes you Unhappy.

There's no magic formula to making friends, but there are lots of people out there who will hold out the hand of friendship to you - you will have to make the effort first though.

Go for a drink or a coffee with workmates, join a walking/running/cycling/swimming/whatever club, go to Zumba classes, learn to salsa - get some enjoyment into your life, don't let this man dictate to you how to live.

Sorry, just coming back with more points here...

He is illogical and demands of you that he be your top priority. eg, getting angry that you phoned your mum first after an accident. He tells you straight up though that his friends (not even a parent, but friends) are more important to him than you are!? Does that seem like a double standard to you? He demands that number one position in your affections whilst placing you lower than his friends I agree with the poster who said rescue yourself

31 is very young. Honestly. I left a dooosh (as the Americans say ) at 36 and I have built up a new life with friends and that was possible because I wasn't walking on eggshells and I became happier.
If you leave him now at 31, you could do one of those emotional freedom courses and be full of confidence and mojo by 32!

Also, can I just point out your own words to you "I feel more relaxed when he's not around". Who is forcing you to be around him? You can end the relationship. You can if you want to. Don't offer up your life at the altar of His Convenience. Your life is worth more than that.

whatnow31 you're not foolish. Change is scary. Even brave people find change that is likely to be for the better scary, so you are not foolish to fear change.

I think it boils down to this really. On a day by day basis, if you are already a bit ground down, a bit anaesthetised and on auto-pilot it would be easier to stay, the path of least resistance, but it would lead to a long unhappy unfulfilled life. You are not a goldfish though. All those days add up to a life, so take a deep breath and instigate a split. I took anti-depressants before I left. So take care of yourself so that you will be able for the fall out. It is an investment in to the rest of your life. If he reacts badly, like you need his blessing or his approval to end the relationship then just see that as proof that you've done the right thing and don't get into a court case over it.

I bit the bullet today ladies and told him that I couldn't tolerate it anymore. I said he has eroded away any love I once had for him. He said he'd change and I'd said no, that he's just a messed up person and I'm not going to waste my life trying to fix him. I deserve more from life. I said the only thing that could change things would be if be showed real regret, remorse and take restorative action I.e. get help for anger issues and find a way of actively undoing every harsh word and action against me. Which would be impossible to do!

Good for you! now run fast and run far before he starts using word games and mind games to suck you back in. Using guilt and manipulation to make you feel obliged to give him a second chance when you don't want to.

Enjoy your freedom! And well done.

These guys can temporarily fake remorse. Don't wait around to see if he is remorseful or not. You have had the awkward convo, you're free! you don't OWE him a second chance, not even if he does show a tiny bit of remorse. which is unlikely. If it wasn't in his nature to ever meet any of your needs then it's incredible that he could suddenly become a boyfriend capable of meeting your needs, and keep it up too......

So, sorry to go on here, I am saying well done and I mean it, but i'm also just picking up on what you said there about 'the only thing that could change things would be if he showed regret'. You aren't obliged to reconsider your decision... even if he were a great guy, I said if ;-) you still wouldn't be obliged to reconsider your decision.

Well done you!

Only read this, but well done.

Good riddance.

Apart from anything else, getting angry because you called your mother first would merit instant dismissal. FFS?!

About making friends, one way is through activities. Work, hobbies, voluntary work, MN meetups even NM if you wish.
If you show interest in their lives they are likely to warm up to you. As an opener, you can comment about something neutral, compliment something about them, say clothes or hair and ask about it, and start from there.