Completely alone

[lydiamama]

Hi there, I am a mother of a lovely very sociable 5 year old DD, yet I am not at all sociable myself, and I think this is affecting my little one as she needs friends to play with, and grow together. Can you help me to put together a plan to meet other mums? I work fulltime, and I do not attend the school gate so I do not meet her school friends, I am thinking about going to church, as I think it is time for her to learn about religion, and hopefully will meet someone there, any other ideas?

Do you work weekends or are you free on Saturdays? See what is on offer at your local leisure centre and library - noticeboards will have adverts for events coming up, family fun days, teddy bears picnics etc. Take her swimming, or to football, dancing, cricket - whatever she is interested in. If she's sociable she will make friends quickly and by virtue of that, so will you.

I am free the weekends, the local leisure centre is a good idea, I will check that. The library only orgsnises things for the week and babies-toddlers, I checked that one. So many thanks for replying

Yes, look at your local council website too - they'll have a 'what's on' that often features child-oriented events. Good luck! (And don't forget the MN 'friendship bench' - post an entry for your area, you never know!

I was thinking more of the notice board in the library for advertising local events that you and your daughter can do together, rather than the library as a resource in itself. Also the local paper will have a "what's happening" type page in it. On a nice day, pack up a picnic and take her to the park, you'll be surprised at how friendly other people are.

Why don't you join the school PTA and get involved with some of their money raising events? You could volunteer on a stall or sell tickets/raffles etc while introducing yourself at the same time. I found this got me into a great social group of friends which led on to mums night outs and coffee's on my days off as I also work full time.

Is she at school yet? Is there a child she mentions at all, maybe you could drop a note via her teacher/book bag and suggest having her to tea on a saturday afternoon or something?

Our church has a social get to gether after mass, but its a bit like pulling teeth for me, i only went once, i coudn't be doing with it. They do do a liturgy which is a bit like Sunday school. Might be worth a try.

What about the dreaded PTA? Sometimes they will have after school meetings and often need extra hands at fetes etc. Ours has a website so could use that to open conversations with other mums. Who does your school pick up or is it after school club?

It is difficult when you work isn't it? You just aren't there for all that banal gossipy chit-chat morning and afternoon.

What I did was leave a message for DS's class teacher(s) ask who (t)he(y) were friendly with and take it from there - it does mean that you will lose a weekend afternoon here and there.

You will also have to put on that bright face and socialise with the school gate mothers at various class parties - but you will find another normal one like your self

HollyBerryBush is right, you will find normal nice mums who you can be friends with but don't get disheartened at first if you don't find friends at first - the PTA mums used to frighten the life out of me - but when I got to know them all, they weren't actually scary at all.

I will tell you about my local church after this sunday, they look very friendly in their website and the cards they send in easter and christmas. I may try the pta, although that scares me a bit, just in case I do or say something wrong in my DD school...

Oh I am gonna leave a message in the get together board, off I go there

Good luck lydiamama - here's to you and your little girl making some lovely new friends over the summer

Oh yes HollyBerryBush is soooo right, cos people who work never stand around their desks doing banal gossipy chit chat and all sahms are moronic. oh hang on...

Did someone say stay at home mums are moronic? I must have missed that bit. I assumed Holly meant it's hard to make friends, I didn't realise this was a working mums vs stay at home mums fight in the making.

It's not Slow but you surprised you didn't notice the rather barbed remarks there...

OP I am a bit confused about your intentions. If your DD is at school, she has friends she is socialising with 5 days a week and outside of school the only times she would perhaps need additional socialising opportunities is during the school holidays.

So is this about her, or about you wanting to make friends with other mums? If it's the former, I would advise taking the odd day off work here and there and talking to the mums of her better friends at the school gates from time to time, then inviting a friend over occasionally. She has friends at school, they are ready-made, and don't require you to do any additional hard work meeting people in churches, events etc. who may or may not have children your DD's age. You do not need to be really good friends with other children's mums to have their children over, but you do need to be a known quantity for other people to feel comfortable with their child coming to yours, imo.

If it's actually about you wanting to meet some like-minded people, who you get on with and whose company enhances your day-to-day, it's not really about your daughter at all, it would just be convenient if they had a child your DD's age. Just because two people have children the same age does not mean they will get on, and I think you might be barking up the wrong tree if that's how you want to meet new friends. Do things that interest you, and if there happen to be other people there too with children your DD's age then that's just a bonus.

Good luck anyway.

Ah yes, re-reading the post, it is a tad patronising towards the "school-gate mothers" and their supposedly banal conversations.

I shall ensure next time I am at the school-gate I discuss technological advances, political unrest and the private equity situation in China - and not Coronation Street and Big Brother.

OP, if your child is sociable she will make friends of her own along the way, friendships don't need to be forced at the age of 5. But do get out and about at the weekend and see if you can find an activity that benefits both of you.