separation from boyfriend - need help

[sunflowersareyellow]

im lost and there are so many things whirring in my head. can someone please please help me???

i've initiated a separation from my BF of ten years. ive got young kids, i dont work or have any qualifications and i don't want to move in with my family. how do i secure a home for myself and my children? we are renting now.

its not very amicable. i think it could go wrong and get messy and nasty.

I dont know what to do or where to start and feel very sick. and scared.

im sorry this is rushed and only half a story. I dont have any financial rights as we never married? is that right? he has all our money in his account as i look after our kids while he works.

You should probably think about talking to something like CAB. They're quite good on legal/financial and other practical advice. Your local housing authority may have some ideas on accommodation. But don't turn down help from your family because you may need the support more than you currently imagine. Especially if you think things could get 'nasty'.... do you mean he's dangerous or aggressive? Are you frightened for your safety at the moment?

When it comes to money, as you're not married you can't claim half of any assets like a property (which you don't have anyway) and if your name is not on the account where the money is kept you'll struggle to get hold of any of that.

However... as you have children they are entitled to financial help from him so try the CSA calculator as a guide to what he should pay. You should also set up your own bank account and start getting the Child Benefit and things like tax credits paid directly into it. www.turn2us.org.uk is a good place to look for advice on benefits.

Good luck and do stay safe.

thank you

i will go to CAB and look at the website

i meant nasty as in being unfair with splitting savings we have rather than physically. he can be aggressive but i dont feel in danger and i am happy as im nearly free now.

we had a religious ceremony for our marriage not a marriage in the eyes of the british courts which is why im calling him BF when he is actually 'D'H. i need to see if there is ANY way round it as thhe more money i have to start new life with kids the better

i read somewhere if i move in with family it will be hard for me to get help with housing or something similar. i think i saw this on MN. i was thinking of staying in city of my 'd'h and then becoming homeless to try and get housing. i am scared if i move in with family the shame will be too much and also i wont be able to step out by myself afterwards in terms of confidence and also not being at top of housing lists. is this immoral i dont know. my family in different city and 'd'h wants me to stay close so he can see kids. i dont know what to do about where to live.

thank you so so much

I don't really understand the bit about you being sort of married but I don't think you're at much of a disadvantage. The only shared asset is your savings account... is your name on that at least?

I also don't understand why your family would treat your return as something shameful? Don't they love you? Don't you get on with them? If they'd regard you with shame, they're not much of a family...

Declaring yourself homeless is certainly one strategy but I think it's probably best to talk to your local housing authority (because rules can be different from region to region) rather than assume anything.

BTW... whilst it's important for your DCs to maintain a good relationship with both parents, if living in the same city as your DH would be a massive inconvenience, too expensive or similar, you don't have to stay there.

I'm worried about outing hence the vagueness myself but I guess what difference is it really making now? 25% savings were in my account and 75% in his so he has a Significant amount more than me. im from a traditional religious background so there is shame in divorce. i had a muslim ceremony only done by a religious leader in a mosque. this isnt seen as legitimate by british courts as far as i know. big mistake.

Do get legal advice either from CAB or a solicitor. It could be that your wedding is legitimate or it could be that you're saved the cost of an actual divorce... you can just part ways and, if holier-than-thou types want to look down their noses at you, stuff them. This is 2013, not the middle ages. Again, if there's no property or assets particularly, it's not necessarily a train-smash.

When you say 25% of the savings 'were in my account' do you still have a record of the day it was transferred into a joint account... or did you just hand it over to him to go into his personal account? You might be able to negotiate with your ex-partner to get it back but, if he says it was a cash gift, it'll be very difficult to prove otherwise.

Otherwise, put all your efforts into getting yourself set up independently. Change the things you can change, make things happen that can happen... take advice on the rest.

thank you. regardig savings, we had two separate .savings accounts, one in each of our names . it just happened to be that way. we shared money. he was main earner so had more money (75%) in his account. only way i can get a portion of money from his account is if he willingly splits our savings 50/50 on separating which he is reluctant to do.

i havent done any of the practical stuff as i feel so pressured to stay in the marriage. pressured from my traditional asian family n friends that marriage is better for the children and that i should try try try. my H also keeps saying try try try. But i KNOW i dont want him as my life partner. he violated my trust when i was PG by sleeping with a prostitute. i dont like his ugly character. i felt lost because i feel he converted me to his newly found atheistic beliefs i feel lost and alienated from friends n family who r all religious and i was also....in the end i had an affair which has killed my moral compass and i have no self dignity or respect left. i feel after all we have been through i have no respect for him or myswlf. i dont want to be in a marriage with such a disgusting unclean basis. i despise him. affair over made.me realise.maybe i could (eventually) find someone better if i wanted. i feel so pressure to make it work with my husband. i dont love him . apparently this doesnt matter and i should keep trying. for the kids sake. i just feel everythig is so messed up there is no decent solution. i feel guilty. guilty for not being able to make it work. even tho i know what he is really like. he has taken away my glasses so i cannot see At all in arguments. power tripping bastard. taken away car keys n stood in front of door if i want to leave in an argument. squashed my arm in an electric car door window as i tried to retrieve ny walet from car so i could leave. these are all bad things. he says its mostly nice and i just have a selective memory of negative things. he switches even now. i love u. dont leave.me. sobbing. next.minute i hate u and leaving. apologising for how he messed up and nxt minute saying its my fault for not trying. i feel people think im being selfish and immature. i am immature i guess as got marries fairly young. but i dont want our messy ugly relationship as a model for kids. we argue alot etc too. i feel ot relationship is tainted. i dont want to try. i dont fancy him at all, if that even matters, or if i have too high expectations. i feel i am to blame for breaking up a family and that i should put up n shut up or whatever the phrase is. sad. so sad. i had to tell some of my family details and now i feel sick. cant face them cos of guilt of my affair - imagine daughter of priest having affair - that type of thing. i dont feel guilt for hurting or heating on him. dont care about him. it was.more self destructive than an enjoyable fling. so lost.

That was a bit of an outpouring... bet you feel better for that :) I would see it this way. You've been subjected to what sounds like a fairly steady campaign of emotional, sexual and physical bullying after getting together with this man at a young age. When someone has been brutalised by being on the receiving end of this type of behaviour, they cannot 'make it work'. People like your partner see you as his property, not his equal. He has victimised you, ramped up the abuse and sapped your confidence in a very deliberate way. He accuses you of only remembering the bad bits but that's all part of the manipulation.

Even the affair you're beating yourself up about. For it to be so out of character and for you to feel so guilty it sounds like you were desperate for even a shred of affection. So what if you're the daughter of an imam? You're a human being first and foremost and any father worth his salt would want to protect and take care of you... not make you go back to this filthy excuse for a man.

I think, as well as all the practical matters, you really need help in understanding how your abusive relationship has impacted on you. Womens Aid would love to talk to you, I'm sure.

BTW your expectations are not too high. To be treated with love, kindness and respect and for everyone to behave like decent human beings is a basic given in a relationship... not having your money taken off you, your glasses taken so you can't see, your arm trapped in a window, constant arguments and especially not being with someone who spends family money on prostitutes, risking the health of his partner and unborn child in the process.

0808 2000 247 Womens Aid. This link might also help you. 'Pukaar' is a specialist service for women of Asian origin.

thank u i dont think i have much abuse as i think thats a big term and i dont want to diminish from people who are facing real trouble

i just want to get through tonight. he is acting like a weirdo. psycho. keeps switching hot to cold. im not provoking him but he keeps emotionally hurting me. we r not married as i dont see the religious ceremony as valid he says . he says i can just walk out if i want. he says he is not stopping me. he says its just my imagination that im being kept a prisoner in this marriage. he doesnt see that telling me constantly for two weeks lets kp trying lets keep trying is pressure. he is saying hurtful confusing things. i spent months n months worrying abt his spiiritual decline and tried withgood intehtion to help him back so that we hv religion which gives us hope and support snd a community and peace of mind and helps us strive to b good people. but he spojke and spoke to.me about evolution and how deluded religious ppl were. and he tramped all my pro religion arguments forcefull y and rationally n eloquently and now tonight he announces that ihe has reflected he is not responsible for my beliefs and actions. i dont kno wat to say and how to respond.. he took away the Purpose of my Life and the God that centred in it and he shrugs it off. even if u believe or dnt believe u cant take that lightly. he is mocking the fact i want to split our savings 50/50. he speaks sweetly to win me over and if i say something he doesnt like his tone changes and he becomes malicious. i want to escape. he is wearing me down. just one more day then i will go. i dpoke earlier about GUILT and now i feel NO GUILT.

i must remember when i am with him and i see his real nasty character i feel SO Strongly i want to just disappear or run away or die Now. then when Other ppl ask why i Have to leave i cant articulate it and end up feeling immature. i cant wait to go

never did manage to get away. he said he could see where he was going wrong and seemed to open up. this was good timing because simultaneously my family and my husbands families both helped out by pressuring me into staying married by telling me i was being selfish and ridiculous and that my foul temper and "disrespect" of elders.including parents in law was the actual problem that needed solving. we didnt have a conversation where i was listened to , i was told off and talked at and down to. i feared to speak my mind because our understanding n perception if situations is apparently poles apart. consequently my only ally was my husband who was shocked by our families too. the problem with only my husband to turn to and nobody else to turn to whom i trust ir feel safe with is obvious.

we bonded and had a good time with each other very relaxed for four nights away whilst families looked after kids but 4 things happened which have made.me feel extremely emotionally distant from him again:

1. He told me he fancied/crushed on my best friend. Few details which were hurtful. Why would he do this. He said he didnt realise i would be hurt. am i odd to b hurt by husband talking abt flirting with best friend n being sad on her wedding day??????!!!!
2. ive asked for a ring to renew our vows for two yrs. on n off teased nagged begged explained etc. mentioned it in Relate a year ago as Fresh Start token. etc. talked abtt this again this week. yes lets defo get a ring n he said he wud propose etc etc. i was v much looking fwd to this nice romantic symbolic event. mentioned it everyday we were together i think. not nagging just talking about it

. on that day he said he cant b askd walking to jewellery shops as his foot hurt. wen i was upset n sadly moody he said he forgot. how can he forget??????? i take a deeper meaning to it than him i think....am i oversensitive n spoilt??????

1. on returning to collect kidss etc iafter our days alone, i said i was v v v v scared abt goin back to reality , family n stresses of daily life onour relationship. he decides to meet friend same night we arrive wen he knows im upset. he just calls me moody n manipulative becos i send him a teary text sayin i feel sad n suicidal n nobody to turn to. he blanks it and stays out till 3am. i was actually v sad n desperate. wasnt makin nething up.
2. i ask to join a sports tournament where matches are on sunday evenings. he says no as they will eat into family time when we visit r families who live few hrs away. i feel anythng i want to do us a no without even Trying to accomodate it. upset we cant discuss without Alot of tension. he does let me play sport weekly technically but ioften says v tired so i feel v bad gping n now i dont bother cos i cant b asked with passiv aggressiv guilt trips

so trapped n upset. Relate has several weeks waiting list

v lonely as best friend relationship little spoilt now n of course affair is stupid escapism. but i m v v v v v v v v v alone now n get v v v v v sad at nifght. in day busy and even happy with kids

nights are so bad. the bit before u go to sleep. emotionally fragile. v shaky n sensitive. apparently im oversensitive. maybe i am. argh.