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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

petty to send fathers day card to my absent father?

6 replies

LittleLisa78 · 12/06/2013 14:18

My parents separated ten years ago, I saw dad rarely but probably spoke once a month. Had dd1 almost 6 years ago, he came to visit when she was born then saw her at Christmas and around her birthday until she was four. He had a girlfriend with grandchildren and saw them and babysat them all the time, his house was covered in photos of them, pictures etc. But nothing about dd or I and he knew nothing about dd. When she was three I said it would be nice for dd if he could take more of an interest as she would notice that his girlfriends grandchildren were treated differently. We always made the effort to travel 2.5 hours there but he insisted I was bring silly and thought he treated dd fine.

18 months ago I was pregnant and dad knew. My grandad - his dad - whom I was close to died and rather than tell me my dad just sent a text informing me when his funeral was which I thought was out of order particularly as I lived so far away, couldn't drive at the time yet he only told Me the day before so I couldn't make arrangements to get there. I sent a card, flowers, condolences and my apologies about not being able to make the funeral. I haven't heard from my dad since - no Christmas or birthday cards for dd, no contact about his new grandchild. I am not going to waste my energies trying. To reestablish a relationship that he clearly isn't interested in and I don't need. However it annoys me that he's just washed his hands of us and forgotten we exist. I've considered sending him a sarcastic fathers day card telling him my thoughts and making it clear he has let me and my children down and can continue to do one. Am I being petty or Is it worth it for closure?

OP posts:
musickeepsmesane · 12/06/2013 14:26

It isn't really closure though is it? It is you venting a little. Go for a brisk walk, blow away the cobwebs. It is a waste of your time. This sounds strange but he probably doesn't even mean to hurt you. If you need to, just send a short letter. Unfortunately it won't stop you feeling rejected. Flowers for you, concentrate on your life and put him behind you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/06/2013 14:27

Would not bother with a card or making any form of contact whatsoever. He won't likely respond.

I would instead write a letter to him and then destroy it without sending it. You may find that experience cathartic.

Its his loss ultimately. Your DD and you need positive role models; not people who are not interested and or bothered.

Weegiemum · 12/06/2013 14:30

I wouldnt send anything as he doesntndeserve it.

My mother and I are not in touch, i send nothing - maybe Im further on than you but the emotional distance this gives me from her neglect is very important.

sleeton · 12/06/2013 14:38

You are not being petty. Yes it is worth it for closure.

The only thing I would suggest is that you revise sending a sarcastic fathers day card. Sarcasm will not convey how hurt you are, nor will it give you the closure you seek.

By all means send a fathers day card, simply signed with your name, and including a letter telling him your thoughts, explaining all the ways he has let you down, let your children down, and very clearly stating how this has made you feel and the effect it has had upon you. Describe your pain.
Also, yes by all means, tell him you don't have energies to waste trying to reestablish a relationship that he clearly isn't interested in, but also tell him that if he wants to do one thing for you, just one thing for his daughter, then would he please explain why he has chosen to let you down in this way.

If he will explain that, it probably won't help (he is the parent and his action, or lack of it, is probably unforgivable) but that might give you closure.

I am sorry he has let you down. You deserve better.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 12/06/2013 14:55

What Attila said.
Basically, you can not make him care.

I'm sorry that you are goingthrough this...for your Dd too. And sympathy on the passing of your grandad.

LittleLisa78 · 12/06/2013 16:02

Hmm have had second thoughts since he'll be thinking of his dad on fathers day (hopefully)and I'm incapable of being as hurtful as him

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