Not sure how I feel today...found pics on DH phone

[AngryNumbSad]

Title says it all really. Last night I was looking for something on the computer and came across photos (intimate) from a woman. A woman that I know.
I confronted him. He admitted it all. He promises me that nothing more has happened than photo exchanging between them both. I've not seen what he sent but he tells me they are the same type.
Last night I was furious, disappointed and livid. Today I feel numb and completely sad.
I don't know what to do, we have children, financially we are stuck together. I feel so betrayed and what he has shared with her are things that should only have been shared with one another.
I can't even get angry at him today. I can't feel anything at all.
He says he doesn't know why he has done it, it wasn't a one off thing. But it stopped because her partner was suspicious. I believe that otherwise it would have carried on, maybe developed into something else.
I'm heartbroken

I'm very sorry to hear it, sure others will be commenting soon. I doubt that one would send someone else intimate pictures without anything physical having happened beforehand. But I guess that is not really important now. Did you have any suspicion beforehand?

Thank you Shmumty ,no, absoloutely no idea at all. It was a complete shock

I'm not surprised you feel broken. This is horrid :(

I couldn't not know what he had sent, so I'd be demanding to see them. I know that would hurt, though, and I've no doubt that he'll be doing everything possible to make sure that he doesn't need to show you anything else. Damage limitation will feel like the only path for him right now.

As for moving forward...has he suggested anything? Does he seem actually sorry, or just upset that he was caught?

The numbness will pass, eventually. What comes next will probably be hysterical bonding, and then you'll start to process it. It helps to be prepared for that.

Do you want him to leave for a while? Have a night on your own, to think things through and let yourself heal a little mentally? It's a lot harder and takes a lot longer with the person who has hurt you staying so close.

He just keeps saying he doesn't know why he did it and insists that nothing else has happened.
I don't think he is sorry, he says he is sorry but he doesn't look sorry.
I want him to leave, I don't know if I mean long term or just because I need to think but at the moment he makes me feel violated.
He has shared things that should have been only between us. I don't understand why he needs to see photos of another woman's body. He just keeps saying there is no reason why.
This one isn't the first. There have been two other incidences in the past, not on the same scale as this one but things that should not have been said.
It's all surreal.

What's sad is that I thought we were happy. I honestly believed that he loved me and I just can't understand why he needed to do this.

So sorry this has happened to you :(

This is not your shame, you did nothing wrong. Do you have RL support, a good friend you can lean on today?

Space away from him is exactly what you need, and he needs to feel some consequences for his behaviour. You dont need to decide about the long term now, just deal with today.

You poor thing, I'm not surprised you're angry, numb and sad. I'd be furious. Ask him to leave and give you some space for a little while so you can figure out how you want to proceed with all of this. I'd also want to know what was sent, access to his email, access to his phone and details.

If it's the third time, that you're aware of, then I'd personally be unable to remain in the relationship. I'm sorry x

Sorry to say it but I think he doesn't look sorry as he thinks it will blow over. Once you forgave the second time, he would.

I would say that he will never stop this. Difficult to accept, I know. My own H did this, but he will never get away with it again.

Thanks all for posting - was away having a good blub!
Please don't think I'm making excuses for him, I'm honestly not but the other two times were not sexual like this one, I didn't word my other posts well.
The first one was someone he had feelings for a long time before (before he knew me) and he was chatting to her after I came home from hospital with a new baby. It was nothing more than chit chat about a problem she had. My problem was that I needed him with me. I hate to admit this but I've never met her but I've always felt second best to her. The second was actually the first girls friend (after my (irrational) upset over the first one he decided he was going to cut all contact with her and her friend) and again was just chat but it was when he told me he was working whilst I was on my own. I'm not a needy person but we have busy lives and our time together is precious. But you are right, he probably thinks it will blow over, I'm hoping I'm stronger than that this time.
Whilst I'm angry and disappointed in him, I'm also angry at her, she has a similar size family to mine and I don't get how a woman can do that to her own family, let alone be a part in ripping wide open another??
I'm going to ask him for some time on my own. I feel at a loss at the moment.

Asking him to go is a good idea.

It'll give you space, and it'll show him how serious this is. It sounds like he needs that. He isn't learning his lesson...he's continuously engaging in disrespectful activities with other women, and they are getting worse, not better. Tell him you'll speak to him in a few days to discuss whether he can come back, and ask him to leave you alone until then. It's the absolute least he could do for you right now.

I agree with caja.

he needs to go, if only to shock him into seeings how strong you are. you dont need him there, and you especially dont need him being so damn disreceptfull!

be strong and show him you will not take anymore of his shit.

thoughts amd best wishes are with you x

What caja wrote.

Thank you all so much for being here for me.
I will do that, see how things are in a few days.
Just reading through other posts on here and someone else has described a similar experience as an 'emotional affair'. I think this sums it up completely! Others feel its not worth breaking up a family over but I feel like there is nothing just between us anymore.
At the moment I'm drowning in how I'm going to do everything, we share school drops, clubs, etc.

Yes you have to ask him to go so you can clear your head

So sorry to read about this OP. Sadly there is a well worn script that they follow during these times, delete, deny, minimise.

They delete the evidence, deny it happened, then when shown the evidence, attempt to minimise what happened....

So it moves from chatting, to chatting and texting, to pictures and web cam, to meeting once, meeting more than once, only kissing, only a blow job etc etc.....

Do you see.... They will only admit the minimum they think they can get away with.
I think you need to brace yourself for more revelations. If they'd met online and lived miles apart, I could understand the pics well not understand bykwim

The fact that they know each other in RL would make me more suspicious.

Has he been acting any differently lately...? Attached to his phone, working late, working extra day at weekend, nights working away...?

All these are red flags that I learnt through experience

If it were me I'd be checking Internet history, email accounts, deleted text messages and bank statements although I'm the sort that needs answers !!!

At the least I'd ask him to leave for a few days so that he begins to get how seriously you view this.

Here's a as its past 6

You deserve so much better OP.

What a horrible situation to be in

I've not got any good advice I'm afraid, but I'm here as others are, for support and hand holding.

Thanks, I caved in and have him the opportunity to talk he wanted. He swears he can't remember. I've told him he better start thinking as once the DC's are in bed I want answers.
I don't hold out much hope. He's desperately trying to carry on as if nothing has happened.
I really don't think he feels he's done much wrong.
Thanks all of you x

He can't remember.

I should imagine that he would love to carry on as if nothing had happened, and its no big deal.

Well then, it would be no big deal for you to send naked pictures to various men and get cock pictures back then, would it?

So sorry OP

But it is a well worn script that I know to my detriment

He will only admit to what you already know... Chances are they've met and its gone further than you know about... Call his bluff, don't let on its all you know...

As on other poster has said, go through his phone, email accounts, statements etc, or lead him to believe you have..

My DH looked sorry, professed to just flirting and talking and only 1 picture... Turned out he'd slept with her twice, been meeting on a regular basis, talking ALL the time, she wanted him to leave me etc etc... This took months to come out, he only admitted to what he thought I already know...

Hello OP just wondering how you are today

Hello, sorry was not on yesterday. TBH the past few days have been a complete blur to me. He's at home but things are odd. Nothing feels real and I'm realising that this is going to taint our marriage forever.
I go through periods of looking at him and realising how much I love him, then I look at him and I want to murder him, then I'm angry at him and her, then I want to make things better, then I want him out of my sight...
I've not eaten since finding out, I can't face food, I've hardly slept at nighttimes it seems a whole lot worse to handle
I want to tell myself, it wasn't a full blown affair, I honestly don't know when he could have seen her and to just forget about it.
He's given me access to everything and his phone and I haven't seen him on it since. I'm not completely stupid though, I do realise he has given me access after a major clean up!
I want us to recover from this but I don't want to become a jealous, possessive watcher of his every move but I can't see how I'm going to get to that.
Only very few other people know as I think if I do take the decision to go forward not only will I feel extremely foolish, its not going to help me rebuild once others are aware of whats happened.
I feel completely pathetic but I love him, even after what he's done, I can't imagine my life without him (yes, he probably knows it too)

So sorry to hear this - it is an awful thing to find.

My feeling on this is that it is unlikely to be sending intimate photos in isolation of other types of contact.

Big hugs to you. Lots of support here, as sadly there are many of us who have been where you are right now.

OP l am so sorry but l think you are correct in thinking that you have complete access to his phone NOW that he has deleted all incriminating evidence. It is more than likely to have been a full blown affair.
Could you ask the OW her side to the story telling her that if it doesn't completly match your H's story you will be speaking to her DH. Don't give her time to discuss damage limitation with your H tho!!

Regardless of what has or has not happened you need him to leave, to get your head clear and process what you want to do. The longer he stays the more he will try and normalise it -making you feel like the unreasonable one.

Get Shirley Glass's Not Just Friends and Julia MacDonald's How to Help your Spouse Heal. The first book will help you process your thoughts and emotions and the second is for your H - its a short and hard hitting book at the the cheater.