Please help me get back on track with dh

[Hhhmmmmm]

We've been together for 15 years. When we got together I knew he was a computer geek. It was an issue then as it is now; it is an obsession with him. Even now he works all day in computing and when he comes home, his preference (once the kids are in bed) is to then 'play' all night on his computer, coming to bed about 1am (I go to bed at about 10:30).

So when he isn't on the computer we get on really well; he's my best friend and a great dad to our two dd. When he's on the computer it's like he's not in the room (concentrating on what he's doing so much) and it's hard to be close physically with a laptop on his legs and hands busy (so even if i'm happy watching tv I can't hold his hand or cuddle etc).

I think I finally might have got through to him that this isn't right (I literally have been trying for the whole 15 years different tactics with varying success but nothing ever 'sticks'). The last two nights he hasn't touched the computer at all (a major achievement) and we've watched tele and cuddled. He's been very affectionate in general.

This is my problem: i'm so used to him blowing hot and cold, I can't cope with the affection, I clam up, my body tenses. I want it, desperately, but in my head I keep thinking, he's only doing this because I've told him I want more attention, he'd rather be on the computer blah, blah. And he's noticed and can't understand why although I've tried to explain.

How the hell do I snap myself out of this and meet him half way? If I don't i'm scared he'll not see a point in trying and go back to his old ways.

My thoughts: perhaps you are more compatible than you realised, or have become so over the course of time.

You have perhaps at some point wanted a partner that gave you time to do your own thing, and was not constantly clingy and needy.
Your husbands behaviour allowed you this space and so at some level it suited you (although not when overdone).

A bit like the partner that complains their partner goes out to the pub too often then when they stay at home they complain they are under their feet.

Solutions: Maybe its time to start other activities together rather than just be bound to the sofa. He is invading what was your space and so you need to create an "us" space/activity and time.

That way it doesn't feel so forced and un-natural and you are both learning something new together.

What do you do for family time? Could you begin by spending time in 'neutral' territory? Picnics in the park with the kids? He sounds like he wants to make an effort and change things for the better. Perhaps it would be easier to start in an environment where there are no TVs or computers.

Yes - try taking it a little more gently, just doing things together like having lunch or going for a walk. Also, you need to talk. He may be feeling just as uncomfortable with intimacy, and being honest might really help.

Just picking up on your sentence 'he's only doing this because I've told him to'. There is nothing wrong with asking your partner to do something for you! I think we sometimes expect relationships to be just like in the movies, we have the image of a perfect man who knows what we want without being asked. The reality of a long term relationship is that we make compromises. We give things up for the person we love. Sorry to use the cringe-worthy phrase 'positive affirmations', but give it a try! Sit tall on the sofa. Think to yourself: my DH is giving up something he enjoys because he wants to spend time with me. He loves me and he wants to do this for me. Don't put yourself down - you deserve this!

You don't have to 'snap yourself out of it'. He's ignored you for 15 years straight, now he's showing you a bit of attention because he's been forced to put the laptop down and I'm not surprised you're feeling cynical. I don't think this is your problem at all. He's antisocial.

What tumbletumble said.

Do you have things of your own that you enjoy? I say that because often when Dh is on his laptop I'm sat sewing/crocheting. We both make time to have nights off from our hobbies.Admittedly it's maybe easier for me because I can be a geek too. We find it quite funny when he's there folding laundry and I'm the one on the computer coding.

What is he like out of the house? I know that at weekends when we're out Dh is loads of fun. I think the computer is a bit of a habit in the house and tbh I don't see it as much different from both of us sat in front of the tv iykwim.

Thank you so much. That's exactly the sort of advice I needed!

tumbletumble you just made me cry. I do deserve this and him being nice to me. He is doing this because he loves me; of that I'm sure. When he's on the computer it's not that he doesn't love me, it's just something else he likes to do.

ofmiceandmen I think you're right about us being compatible; possibly more over time. Perhaps I haven't recognised how much his past time gives me freedom to do my own thing; without any feeling of guilt what so ever. Maybe what I need to express to him is I need consistency.

EllaFitzgerald and TheSmallClanger I think I'll start at dinner time and see if we can make a list, as a family, of things we like to do together. I would like to do more simple things like walks and picnics. Dh likes grand gestures like alton towers and meals out. Unfortunately, we aren't made of money!

CogitoErgoSometimes Yes I do think he is antisocial. He doesn't really have friends other than at work. But I do think it takes two to work through a problem; even if not of my creation. I do want his apathy to end.

PiHigh I do also have hobbies like knitting and reading but because they are varied and I can stop after half an hour, I don't see them as obstructive. Booking a regular night off from both our hobbies sounds a good idea; like a 'date night' I guess. Weekends are great fun and yes we are normally out the house. It's the evenings that give us trouble as after the kids are in bed (8ish) at least one of us is tied to the house. Unfortunately nobody to help with childcare for us to go out on our own very often.

Your situation sounds just like ours. We have 2 girls, no family near by so no babysitters. We'll maybe have one night a month where we have a film night. We also have one night maybe every 2 weeks where we have dinner together after the kids are in bed (sometimes takeaway).

By film night I mean on the tv (we have virgin so pay about 4 quid for a film) and have a bottle of wine.

"But I do think it takes two to work through a problem; even if not of my creation. I do want his apathy to end."

If someone is antisocial and apathetic, it is up to them to adjust their behaviour and attitude. If they go in the right direction you can be encouraging by all means... 'positive reinforcement'... but unless he's motivated, he'll just revert to normal because that's how he's always been. It's always a mistake to get together with someone thinking that with time and 'work' you can correct the bits about them you don't like.

We do the film thing from virgin too! But erratically not a regular thing. The cinema used to our together hobby before we had children. So that has potential.

I really like the meal alone idea as well. So simple but would totally focus on us whereas now dinner time is all about catching up with the children. I used to like it when we cooked together.

I think I'm realising that I am my own worst enemy and generally put the focus on what would make the kids or dh happy. Maybe if I take some time to figure out what makes me happy and then ask for it!

In hindsight CogitoErgoSometimes I can see that this problem was always there and the easiest solution would have been to not get in to a relationship with dh at all! But here I am!

So how do I gage his motivation? It would make sense that's why all the other strategies have failed; he wasn't motivated enough to effect a permanent change. Do I just ask him out right?

The only way you can motivate someone to change their normal behaviour is to make the consequences of not changing that behaviour unpleasant enough to make an impression. 15 years of coaxing & other tactics has achieved precisely nothing. Because, whenever he reverts to normal, nothing happens to him .... well... nothing major enough to bother him, obviously.

So don't 'ask', 'tell' him that 15 years of being routinely ignored and denied the fairly standard human contact that all relationships need to survive has left you feeling whatever it was you wrote earlier.... I clam up, my body tenses. I want it, desperately, but in my head I keep thinking, he's only doing this because I've told him I want more attention, he'd rather be on the computer.... i.e. rejected, unloved and disconnected from him due to the lack of communication and personal time. Say it's actually making you wonder, for the very first time, if there's a future in the marriage. Make it as stark as that.... then let him work out if that's enough motivation to change.

Before anyone jumps on me this is not 'LTB', not an ultimatum, not a threat.... just letting him know that if he keeps taking you for granted, one day he might look up from his laptop and you won't be there....

So last night we talked from dd going to bed til we couldn't stay awake anymore in the early hours of the morning.

Am completely shattered today but so worth it as we both got a lot off our chests and properly saw things from the others point of view.

Thanks very much to everyone who commented, for giving me some ideas of how to start a difficult conversation and the motivation to know it needed doing

That's great OP. Keep talking!