I have name changed for this as to be honest, I am embarassed, and this is the first time I've spoken about this outloud so please bear with me.
My marriage began to break down after the birth of our first child 6 years ago and during that time my H became emotionally abusive, very subtle at first, telling me I'd let myself go, I wasn't putting him first, told me my friends had told him I'd changed. This escalated over time to the point where he had also become very distant from me in the bedroom - working long hours (own business) from Mon to Sat.
At the time I had lost some very close family members and looking back now I can see that I was low and vulnerable, and clinging to my H and I still can't work out in my head whether or not he knew this and took advantage of it or it was pure co-incidence.
He'd tell me I was an ugly c* and I'd let myself go, I was a terrible mother, I didn't do enough around the house, he controlled when I went out and who I saw, restricted my family from visiting, threw away dinners that were cooked to his liking. But all the time I clung to him, throwing myself at him numerous times in the bedroom, to try and get close to him, being rejected over and over.
He was physically abusive to me 5 times, all of which were fuelled by alcohol and anger, each time I forgave and continued to try and get close to him again.
During this time, on the rare occasion we did sleep together and it was instigated by him, he would always want a* sex, never gentle love making, just very rough, if I said I didn't want to he would just say "I could take it". It was almost like he was punishing me, but I daren't think that because if that was the case, how could someone be so cruel and why did I let him? And why would he only want sex with me this way? Is this a "normal" trait of a controlling person???
It is humiliating because I allowed him to, because in my twisted mind I felt that some closeness of any kind was better than nothing.
That was a long time ago - we haven't had sex now for nearly 3 years and I won't ever degrade myself or humiliate myself like that again. I am stronger and have more respect for myself. I have started divorce proceedings and although he is refusing to leave the house, I am hopeful that in time he will. He is no longer able to control me either financially or emotionally. And I am not scared of him any more.
I guess I am just trying to understand what happened, and where it all went so wrong, and why I let it happen for so long, I look back to that time in my life and I don't recognise myself at all. Even in photos, it doesn't look like me. I look at him now and he makes my skin crawl. There is nothing.
Thank you for taking the time to listen.