Need some advice...head all over the place

[mummytasha11]

Hi everyone I have posted on here before.

Basically I have recently split from my partner of 9 years we have a 2 yo ds who was planned and we were due to get married in a few weeks when suddenly a couple of months ago he left me and said he didn't know what he wanted anymore.

3 and a half months later I am still so low and sad about the whole thing and all I can think about is how much I want him back and how much I miss him in our lives.

Since we split I have found out that he slept with someone whilst I was pregnant and he signed up to a dating website at Christmas.

I know that I could never trust him again but I'm so scared of being on my own or with someone else as this man is all I have ever known..

We have been talking via text ( he works away) and he said he is sad and really sorry for what he has done.

Please can someone offer some words of advice because I am literally going out of my mind here.

"We have been talking via text"

This is part of the problem - You're still talking to him. You need to arrange his visiting times for his child and then cease all contact. By remaining in contact you're not allowing yourself to get used to life without him. You're still clinging on (in the nicest possible way). You need a complete break from him as hard as it is. You say you're scared of being on your own: this is OK but you've got to give yourself a chance of being on your own which you haven't up till now. The whole thing is still very raw but I think you need to distance yourself from all this emotionally.

I appreciate I sound blunt but you need to make a clean break and restart your life then you won't feel as though you're going mad.

I'm sorry, OP. (((Un-MNy Hugs)))
It sounds like such a cliché, but the only thing that will help is time!

Does he have your DS overnight at all? If so, try not to stay at home alone during those times - go away for the night as often as possible (spa break, Visit friends/family...) or invite a few friends over for a barbecue, girly night in/out etc. Basically, try to invest your energy into building up your own social life, as this will give you the strength to survive the day-to-day reality of single motherhood.

As regards the trust issue, that may take some time and it is probably worth getting some counselling in a few months (not too soon) before you start thinking about dating again.

But for now, focus on taking care of yourself. Pamper yourself. Imagine how a perfect partner would treat you and treat yourself just as well!

And come back here as often as you need to for some handholding...

Good advice here.

Yes, you are feeling raw and scared (to be alone) but I agree you have to emotionally extracate yourself from him. It won't help your healing otherwise.

I am a single mum since he was 6 months old. Yes, it is a scary thought but the reality is that you bring it off much better than you thought you could. Mine is 21 now and studying.

Invest in your social life, gather a largish (but sincere) group around you who can help you step back into a fulfilling life again.

No man is worth crying over for too long. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and step out there with confidence. Even if you have to fake it till you make it!

All the best!

Good advice here.

I mean in the replies.

"We have been talking via text ( he works away) and he said he is sad and really sorry for what he has done."

Do stop talking to him. Every time you get into a text conversation, he gets an opportunity to work on your insecurities. He knows you don't like being alone so he's exploiting that. For his part you know what all this 'really sorry' stuff actually means? It means he thinks you're a sure thing for a shag.... His dating website and screwing around antics have hit a bit of a lull and you're easy pickings. Desperate, lonely and will come around if he pushes the right buttons. No effort required..... until he gets bored with you again, of course. It's as cynical as that and don't kid yourself otherwise

So don't give him the opportunity to use you again. Stay strong, stay away from him and get with people that actually like you. Good luck

What everyone else said about breaking contact.
Also please know that although he has disappointed you, there are better men out there who will not, he is not the standard for all men. I was left with a five week old 11 years ago and was rock bottom for a while, but it's amazing what strength your kids give you. I was alone for seven long years but am now very happily married to a wonderful man. So please have faith that you WILL survive, make a good job of raising your baby, and have some very positive life experiences along the way, no matter how hard it may seem at times. Anything is possible, just aim high and keep going and be proud of yourself.

My Ex left me when my DD was only 10 months old. I hit rock bottom and struggled for a long time.

A year later, however, I was glad he'd gone and was enjoying life again.

Please be easy on yourself. 3 and a half months isn't long and I agree with the other posters who have wisely pointed out that you absolutely must not have any contact with him other than in regards to childcare. To do so will only prolong your suffering.

He's not coming back and it's up to you to break free and make a life for yourself. And you WILL make a life for yourself and you WILL be happy again. I promise you that.

I wish you all the best.

Thank you everyone. I just feel jilted and like damaged goods.
Still can't believe he has ruined our lives and split our family up

Break-ups are a really horrible thing to happen and it can take a very long time to get over the hurt and the feeling of rejection. You still have a family, don't forget. The fact that he's decided not part of it doesn't make it less of a family, just a smaller family. And you still have a life.... when the hurt subsides and the fog clears you'll get on with making it the best life possible and, believe it or not, there will come a day when you look back to now and think 'phew... what a lucky escape'. In the meantime, stay well away from the ex, stay busy and look after yourself.