Would you still send a Father's Day card?

[kindlegeek]

So it's been a long 10 years of heartache with the children's dad. He has many problems but I do believe he loved us. He is an alcoholic and can't stop smoking weed. He can't hold down a job, has been physical on a few occasions, been to prison, has a temper ect. final straw was when he stole a lot of money from me :o(

Anyway he begged to see the kids but I said he would have to organise a contact centre, go to aa ect.. The last time he saw them was in February.

I was ordering a moonpig card for my dad and wondered should I send him one from the children? Then I thought am I being soft and stupid again.

Not sure wether doing this will send the message out that we/they are still waiting for their dad to fix up. Or it will maybe get him angry/depressed (I think he is bi polar) and then he'll start telling everyone I'm playing mind games, as he keeps saying I am stopping him from seeing the kids. And yes I am telling him he cannot come to my place anymore- and he just can't be trusted alone with them so it needs to be supervised.

So feeling a bit confused at the moment. Maybe I should just forget about him all together now. DC are 7, 2 and 1 by the way.

Has your 7 yr old mentioned sending a card, are they making them at school for you to pass on to him?

If it hasn't been mentioned by your 7 yr old you could ask if they want to make one?

A moonpig one could be seen as sent by you (which it will be) where a home made card is from DC.

7 year old dc is very tactful, unfortunately she's used to him being not here and knows he makes me upset, so she wouldn't say anything. I suspect she would want to make one, but then it opens questions of 'I'm making a card but when will I see him?' And its been 4 months of 2 year old asking 'where's daddy' everyday and she stopped about 2/3 weeks ago. But am I being selfish then, thinking of myself when maybe she wants to make a card? Maybe when the little ones are in bed I'll ask her if she wants to make one.

Thank you. It's just so confusing thinking about what the right thing to do is.

DH will be getting a Father's Day card from both the dcs.

Dc1's biological father won't. He won't give us his address and is not due to see her until the first weekend of July.

I did make an effort for the abusive prick's Christmas present once, which involved a nicely made card and carefully wrapped drink to go in Dc's luggage. Not even an acknowledgement so haven't bothered since.

No, I wouldnt.

Let sleeping dogs lie. dont send a thing.

I am not an advocate of mothers cutting fathers out of their childrens lives, and you arent doing that. You have laid down the (perfectly reasonable) conditions under which he can see them and he has chosen to stick with his addictions and his awful behaviour rather than see his children.

A violent criminal addict who will not address his possible MH issues should not be around children. You sending that card will simply stir everything up again. I am assuming your guilt is what kept you with him through three children, dont let it ruin the stability that you and they have managed to achieve.

I wouldn't send a card, not much of a father at the moment is he?

I would not send a card from the children.

His primary relationships are with alcohol and weed. His children rarely if ever figure on his list of priorities.

I would ask the kids what they thought and whether they would like youbto arrange a contact centre

I think the children are too young to be involved in any decision making over seeing their dad. That is an adult responsibility to work out. Not fair to children to involve them in that way.

Thank you for all your replies. I'm still in 2 minds. Yes his priorities were all wrong and he is not much of a father at the minute.

I've taken someone's advice (sorry on my phone and can't see who's) and starting getting the ball rolling for a contact centre because he obviously won't... I'm not going to send a card. I think this is more than enough now, he can't say I'm stopping him from seeing the children. I think I was feeling a bit emotional and feeling guilty for telling him to go and now the children don't see their dad.

Good decision.
You do recognize that you need to protect you children from him. You do not need to feel guilty for doing this, your foundational role for your children as being a great mom. As hard as it must be, you are on top of it and you ROCK!

Again there is no reason for you to feel guilty. But resolving this might be better achieved with a counselor for yourself...imho, resolving it properly will not be able to happen involving him.