Diagnosing npd

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Hi
I rather not go into any detail but I am just wondering if anyone can help.
How would you go about getting someone, who is (maybe) not aware of being a narc,diagnosed. He is an ex of a friend and he is her children's father.?

Sorry I will post in mental health. Just realised that might be better place

If she is worried about his treatment of her children & feels they are in some kind of danger - emotionally or physically - there are various legal paths open to her to limit his involvement. If she thinks he has a MH problem and is a danger to himself or others she could potentially ask his GP to pay a house-call and do a mental health assessment (I've done that for a relative in the past). If this 'narcissistic' behaviour means he is abusive or aggressive towards her then she can talk to the police possibly. But if he's just behaving badly, being difficult and isn't a danger to either himself, your friend, her DCs or others then there's not very much she can do.

Thank you for your help. V much appreciated and v helpful

Abusive behaviour can look like NPD. I was more or less convinced my ex as a narc but it makes very little difference really unless they are behaving in a dangerous way towards their DC. Behaving in a nasty, controlling or unpleasant way towards your friend may well look and sound like NPD - however, if she can learn how to put boundaries down she can mitigate the effect on her (and by learning how to do this effectively, she can teach her DC how to do so in the future, if needs be). I suggest you get her a copy of this book as a starting point.

Thank you, yeah it seems like npd but as you say could be just abusive, controlling behaviour. Right I think next POA is buying book and then legal help, or CAB

What kind of behaviour is he exhibiting?

He harasses her with texts/calls daily if she cannot or does not reply quickly. He is angry to her when she picks children up. He tells children he is sad and lonely as he doesn't live with mummy. He expects her to do the ferrying around the kids. He accuses her of seeing someone even though they are not together. He seems to use kids to get closer to her iykwim. He is generally paranoid, everything's about him or how it effects him. Has never done anything to help her ever!! So angry too. Has always made big gestures but never follows them through. She worrys about the emotional impact on kids and he does not help to ensure childcare is sorted equally. Accepts no parental responsibility or doesn't understand it. Drinks way too much

Doesn't really matter whether you put an npd label on the behaviour or not, surely - it's unpleasant, undermining, self-centred blah blah, and needs a strategy to deal with it. Calling it npd doesn't somehow excuse the behaviour.

I'm seeing good old-fashioned 'emotionally abusive' exacerbated by alcohol rather than a personality disorder. Yes, he's using the children to get at her and you've not to look too far back in the newspapers for tragic examples of what happens when someone takes that to extremes

If she wants to clip his wings and get back in control she needs to get a good lawyer and start documenting all the texts and so on, whilst at the same time not responding to communications except by e-mail so that she has a paper-trail of evidence. If he is already behaving aggressively or unreasonably with the children and distressing them by being drunk/maudlin/paranoid etc, then she should keep them home make a record of the problem and get the access arrangements (are they formalised legally?) changed so that they are safer. Supervised contact, for example.

Thanks. I think access is just as and when. Ok that's gd that she doesn't have to diagnose anything. She did say to go through email only but he hasn't listened. Appreciate this help

Sounds like a entitled man-child with narcissistic traits (which essentially is the same as being an entitled man-child). Your friend doesn't need to diagnose him, she need to see a lawyer so they can write to him about his harassment (many emails/calls) and put down firm boundaries as it sounds like there are none. A good lawyer can help here and a good therapist too.

She does not have to have any direct contact with him, handovers can be done without her presence or as little as possible, communication by email only and answered (filtered) as and when she wants to (he can stamp his feet about this all he likes, but honestly I would then block his number). All communication to be about children only. Call the police if he threatens her. If he is unable to parent, that is not something she can change. Sucks big time, but she can't force him to be an equal parent.

It is VERY difficult to get a dx of personality disorder, and rightfully so because it is a hell of a label to be slapped with. No GP could assess for it, they could make a referral to MH if they deemed it necessary which they might if he is making threats to kill himself.

Then it will take numerous assessments with psychiatrists or possibly clinical psychologists, ruling out any axis 1 MH dxs. Two professionals have to concur to give a dx of PD. they will be looking at his history, background, ideally speaking to parents etc about him. They are looking for the 3 P's - Problematic, Persistant and Pervasive. Which means his issues have to have had a profound negative effect on his life throughout the years, damaging his relationships, career, education etc.

so kicking off and chucking a wobbly because he's been dumped certainly would not be enough to go on.
I would never be so unprofessional as to attempt to dx someone over the inherent (even if I was qualified enough!) but my gut feeling would say that he's just a nasty, abusive wanker, maybe with some narcissistic traits but definitely not full blown NPD. Like 99% of the the dickhead husbands/exes referred to on here as 'NPD'.

Internet not inherent! Dammit!

Lol deffo nasty abusive wanker. I think she will begin by limiting contact just through email. Bloody nightmare these wankers eh?!

A tip that's often suggested on here is for her to get a cheap PAYG phone, tell him it's her new number and block him from her 'real' phone. That way, she can protect herself from random unpleasant texts/calls and ensure that verbal contact stops - she only checks the phone for texts once/day maximum while DCs are with her, she doesn't answer his calls, etc.