Sister being a bitch - need a sense check please.

[ninipops]

Ok so currently on holidays at my mums in another country and had a run in with my youngest sister that has left me really hurt and upset and DH saying I should cut off contact til she apologises. Basically have 3 DC's 3, almost 2 and 5 months. Here for 10 days and Sis visited both w/ends. Haven't been sleeping well cause of crappy bed and baby in room and absolutely knackered dealing with all three kids all day - the older 2 are usually in pre-school/nursery @ varying points during the week but obviously not while we are on holidays.

Last night dinner ended up being delayed well past kids normal time and I had had a rough night with teething baby and so was really tired - ready to fall over tired. DH said we should feed kids before rest of dinner was ready and when he saw my inability to construct a sentence in response said I should eat and he ended up eating too. Sis & mum were left to eat later. Sis then rounded on me saying my behaviour was inappropriate, unacceptable and disrespectful that I had upset mum who had spent the whole day cooking for us. Found out later that mum let a wee bit put out but understood when I explained. Sis couldn't understand why I was upset, that she wasn't criticising just making an observation but kept saying there was no excuse for rudeness. DH had apologised as he was the instigator of the early meal - it's not something either of us would normally do but under the circumstances he felt it was justified. Sis basically ignored this apology and had another go at me this morning.

Now I know it's not a big deal in the whole scheme of things but it really hurt that Sis just refused to to cut me any slack whatsoever and it felt like she basically just wanted me to say that she was right and I was wrong. We aren't particularly close but have never had any clashes before.

So sorry for the epic but DH is adamant she is not welcome in our home nor is he going to come back to my mums til she apologises. It's means i can't go either given the age of the kids.

Did you or your DH explain and apologise to your mum before you ate?

You sound knackered but that isn't an excuse for not showing your mum some consideration. Your sis was a bit of a bitch but I presume looking out for your mum? Your DH is being a massive bitch on the other hand. Was he looking for an excuse to cause a ruck with your family?

Natashebee - no she is married but doesn't have kids and does have a tendency to make 'helpful' suggestions based on her experience of watching her DH's nieces/nephews!

Sparkle - no we didn't say anything which I freely accepted we should have but mum was fine and understood when we explained and apologised. Mum well able to speak for herself but had felt no need.

It's sibling button pushing. You probably used to upset each other in exactly the same way when you were children. What's the underlying problem that you have what she did (e.g. because she doesn't listen to you, because she minimises how you feel, etc)?

For what it's worth, I think sleep comes a long way before a family meal, but your family might place a higher value on eating together than mine...

It's the total lack of any willingness to understand - basically I was wrong and there was no possible justification in her eyes.

Also this is the final straw for DH as he has really struggled with my family's behaviour over the years - doesn't want to make things difficult for me. I am so used to it I barely notice it anymore but he has had to endure a lot over the last 12 yrs which he has bless him, but seeing me so upset has just done it for him. He says she just shouldn't have spoken to me the way she did its not her home & not her place to appoint herself spokesperson for mum who wasn't bothered enough to say anything herself.

I have had similar experiences and understand how frustrating it is when someone won't accept a resolution.

It sounds like, for whatever reason, your sister doesn't want a resolution. She wants to be pissed off, that much is clear from her continuing to badger you after you've apologised. You are only responsible for your own behaviour and it sounds like you've made the best of it and tried to move on. If your sister won't that's up to her but you sound exhausted and have alot on your plate so I would keep reminding her clearly and firmly that the situation is resolved and you've moved on. And then move on and focus on yourself and your DCs.

I second what Aetae said. My sister and I live relatively close to each other, can meet up and get on perfectly well, but when we go down to my Mum's we end up fighting over who watches what on the telly! This despite us being late 30's, early 40's and my sister has SN's so it is really inexcusable on my part!
I really don't know if cutting off contact is OTT in your case. In what way has your family's behaviour been unacceptable?

I think that your DH saying she isnt welcome at your home is ok, I cant see that any visit from her would end well. However, him refusing to visit your mums, on the basis that your sister may be there, is not on because that stops you visiting too.

Are you not staying at your mum's then? I'm not clear about where everybody is...

You have three very young children to deal with and if they're out of their usual routine and tired etc I can imagine that is very tiring indeed. I think it's a shame that your family didn't seem to understand that and it would be nice of them to cut you some slack for it. I can see why your DH doesn't want your sister round (at your home? Is this the place you're staying while on holiday in your mum's country, or your home back in your own country?) but it seems harsh to cut your mum out when she now understands. I would talk to your DH and say that since there is not much of the holiday left you want to be able to see your mum. Your sister, on the other hand, seems to want to keep the issue going and so I don't think there's a lot you can do there.

It sounds awful. Families get into really deep ruts of unproductive communication patterns. From the sound of it your sister wants a competition for 'who can show they care about mum the most'. Which as adults is a bit pointless.

Only you can know if you've had enough to cut off contact, if it's genuinely destructive. But in the short term, keep prioritising your own family (DCs and DH) and look after yourself, try to get sleep etc. Everything always feels so much worse to me when I'm sleep deprived, and you sound like you need to sleep for about a year.

If you decide to give your sister another chance, maybe try to write down how she makes you feel and sit down with her to explain how bad it is (ie you're not a little bit upset, she's actively regularly traumatising you beyond a point where you can handle it). She might choose to change her behaviour? She may not realise that she's still acting in a childhood role of judge and jury over you.

She sounds a bit odd but so does your way of.managing things. Why didn't you feed your kids and out them to bed at the usual time? Did you and your dh really just sit down and eat on your own? What did you say?

You and your husband ate an unfinished meal that someone else had cooked. And didn't explain why full the telling off. Why?

I would let the whole thing go by. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Who cares who is right. Think about your parents and your kids. So your sister is being silly. So what. You've been unfairly accused. It won't kill you. Your DP's pride is wounded. Won't kill him either. You can be firm, you can smile, you can get on with the holiday, you can go home again and your mum can treasure the photographs.

Agree with faberge . It's a small thing, your sister is being silly. Some people (women?) seem to see the need to be The Authority in the family/group. If your sister lives there then you are on their home turf, she may feel she needs to be The Boss and put you in your place.

Let it go. Your mum's ok now you've explained. It would be awful if there was a major upset and the holiday was entirely ruined. It sounds like your H is pouring petrol on flames by insisting this and that - he's being as bad as her, really (re: Do What I Say).

But, in future, do make sure you are scrupulous about communication re meals and arrangements.

Let her rant away, look at her (as if you are actually listening), mouth shut, and when she is done, say "Are you done?" Keep your expression blank and return to what you were doing before you were so rudely interrupted. The key is the blank expression, no response because you do not care what she thinks, ok? Why is her opinion so important that you choose, you allow, her to upset you? It is not part of your job description to please your sister, iyswim.

As Raspberry said, my first thought about your sister was here is someone who does not have children herself.
The standards that people without children want to hold holy for people who do have children need to be taken with a BIG grain of salt. They are wholy ignorant of the realities that children, especially very young children, require of their parents. All bets are off, no guarantees, no promisses, etc.

Before cutting contact, perhaps you could try emotional detachment? She is so far down your list of priorities that you really should not waste any more than one half of one quarter of a nanoneuron in your brain on her. Get out your "Don't Care Bear" and work it: she can not make you care; in fact, it sounds like your care has been so abused and worn out , you just don't have any more for her. Your feelings and care and love for your sister are not continually renewable resources for her to abuse. This is making a boundary, enough is enough.

Your Dh is already at enough is enough and is declaring urgent need for boundaries. Do you vent to him about your sister a lot? It might be a good idea to spare him any more of your unhappiness regarding your family and put it in a journal instead.

I am going to guess that your sister and her husband live in with your mother (or she with they)? If not, then visit your mom when sister is not there. (Boundary .)

Sorry for the epic post!