the ow has come to town..

[boomoohoo]

ok so its not a 'proper' ow in the sense that there was no affair. DP and i have been together for about 18 months and at the start of our relationship (a few weeks in) he slept with someone else. he told me straight away and actually broke up with me as he didnt want to mess me around. 3 weeks later he comes crawling back, we talk, nothing happens. we have mutual friends and end up at same party a couple of months after that and start seeing each other again. but during the time we have been together i discover that ow is actually friends with his group of friends, and now she has just moved to our town.

i feel sick and angry and sad. i guess i havent forgiven him and the past hurt has come back. i dont know what to do about this. i dont feel i can chuck in the relationship as it is truly amazing otherwise. any advice/ thoughts much appreciated xx

by the way, she had no idea he was seeing me when they slept together. i have nothing against her, although feel so insecure as she is gorgeous and i feel so ugly in comparison. i dont understand why he came back to me yes, my self esteem is in tatters, and i am pathetic, i know this.

He is with you, the relationship is truly amazing - that is all you need to remember. If she was that great he'd be with her. Trust in your relationship, be honest with him about your feelings, but then get over it and enjoy what you've got - and what she doesn't have. X

thank you for replying x

you generating your own angst,no one is doing this to you.
she's a free agent able to live where she wants.shes done nothing wrong
18month down line you're in stable relationship,don't look for problems if there are none

youre right. i have nothing against her. its thrown up how far i trust my dp. i am anxious at him being in social situations with her

you need to cut yourself some slack,not a life of what ifs
and you can't undo what he's done was hurtful but don't let it dominate present
laugh,smile,be happy.and don't live a life in dread of what he might do

Your feelings are completely reasonable. We're all human and have our insecurities - but he's with you, he chose you, he almost lost you and I'm bet he's so glad he didn't. Trust in what you have together. X

I think it's a bit unfair and unrealistic to expect total fidelity when a relationship is that new. You don't know where it's going and I think it's fine to keep your options open at that stage.

He was honest and upfront at least.

Try to forget it.

thank you guys, youre making me feel better

Very different having sex with somebody else after a week, and looking for it when in a LTR.

She's probably got a proper partner too by now. Honestly, its of no consequence to either of you. And if you do get insecure moments about her, offload to us or to a friend. Don't bring it up with him unless you feel he has given you reason.

it is very different. i know its my own insecurity eating me up. i need to tackle this

I think if you openly discuss your feelings with him (tell him once and be rational) he will understand and hopefully be sensitive to your feelings (he will then have no excuse to act inappropriately / flirty with her) try not be jealous / clingy / insecure though! I'm sure he's great and will completely understand how you feel. Save the jealous rants for on here! We'll listen!

You need to stop seeing her as an OW. She's not, and describing her like that won't help you. He is with you, focus on that.

she not the ow,she's some lassie. and no point bigging this up or giving it gravitas
your adult, you have history.hes adult he has history
and that's what makes and shape us all the things that happen and how we react

I think you should try and get some perspective. Its a bit unfair to describe her as the OW. She was a single person who had a fling with another single person - or so she thought, as you freely admit. Try not to demonise her - for all you know she might be quite pleasant. You also have no real grounds for thinking she has any remaining interest in your DP, who after all chose you.

Suggest you talk to your DP if she makes you feel uncomfortable

Didn't you already post about him? I would ditch to be honest. New relationships aren't worth all the angst.

I don't demonise her at all. I think I'm just anxious about seeing her (same circles) and feeling she is more beautiful / attractive / fun / confident than me.

When you see her, just be yourself. She too could be mortified at a brief fling with what she thought a single man coming up just when she has moved to a new area.

Boo If there are no other issues at all with your relationship that are making you insecure, you really have to try and move on and enjoy what you have.

She's not the 'OW' and he didn't 'cheat' with her - not in my opinion anyway (ie if you'd only just started dating and he was up-front about it).

You have mentioned a lot that she's 'gorgeous' - is the issue just one of your own low self-esteem? If so maybe you just need to work on that