DH and hobbies - how to balance?

[WillSantaComeAgain]

I am sure this has been done to death over the years, and I'm also aware that this isn't a big problem in the wider scheme of things, but I'm struggling to work out how to deal with this.

About two years into our marriage, DH took up golf and it turns out, he's really quite good at it. Clearly he's not going to be a professional, but he's coming in the top ten at tournaments etc, and he loves it - it gives him fulfilment and pride.

He tends to be away for the weekend on average once a month, plus away for a whole morning 2 further mornings a month, plus the associated practice. To be absolutely fair to him, he's very good at balancing practice around family life, but obviously matches can't be moved. He's also good at letting me have time for my hobbies, but only if I have something actually scheduled in - if I want a morning off to go shopping, that doesn't count!

What I struggle with is the conflict between wanting him to be happy, and enjoy life, and the desire that I have which is to enjoy time together as a family - even if its just mooching around at home. So when he asks me if I "mind" him going off to such and such tournament at the other end of the country, I feel that it would be wrong for me to stop him, but then I resent him for going so can't give him my "blessing" to go.

I worry that our social life suffers, as its almost impossible to have friends over (or I feel rude inviting friends for the weekend if I know he's going to disappear off for half of it) or to accept invitations to go away. I find it hard work being at home on my own, and get quite lonely when he's away. I also struggle to accept the associated obsession - the only thing he really gets animated talking about is golf, he gets into frightful moods if its going badly, he spends hours reading about it online.

We have one DC and another on the way. Any suggestions? I love him very much, he's kind and a wonderful father and husband in so many respects, but I'm terrified of becoming a golfing widow and resenting him for it. There are days when I feel like our marriage won't survive, which seems such a petty reason

Sorry, this is a bit long!

I think you tell him exactly what you've told us here. You don't sound clingy or unreasonable; just worried.

The only thing I would say you could do differently is that I'd be happy to invite friends over without him being there or with him disappearing.

Truth is that you can't do the same things you would as a single person if you're in a relationship/a parent unless you've got a partner who is willing to take up the slack. If your partner isn't willing, that doesn't make either of you unreasonable, it just makes your desires incompatible.

Don't have much advice to give, but I have a DH like this. It's bloody hard on your own with small DC, and even now mine are older, I still need to be around for them. Even one match takes a whole Saturday, especially when it's a long distance to travel. Just make sure you keep getting time for you, including a shopping spree!

Dahlen - I know you're right, but I am a piss poor communicator in relationships. Also, the few times I've tried to mention it, he either gets really upset or he promises that next year will be different... so next year comes along, and there's this mission creep. Do you think a letter would be a crap idea? I write so much better than I speak.

He's already promised no overnight stays next year (on account of having (I hope!) an infant and a toddler, only local events. But I just know things will end up more than that - as they have this year. (Only three overnight stays has ended up as about six).

Re. communicating - I hope this isn't patronising, OP, but this is what I would suggest;

It's really clear from your post that you love that he's found something he's good at and he enjoys and you don't want to hold him back. When you talk to him, make that clear and let him know you're discussing it because you want him to continue with it in some form rather than put an end to it.

DH and I communicate best when we discuss how the other person's behaviour has made us feel, and take responsibility for that, rather than blaming that person and accusing them. So for example, rather than saying "you're not listening, you always do this" saying "when you interrupt and talk over me (like when X happened), I feel frustrated because it seems like you don't value what I'm saying".

Hopefully, the two together will communicate that you want him to enjoy golf but you can't continue with it affecting you the way it does. Is that what you're trying to get across?

Really hope this doesn't come across as patronising - I'm actually really interested in how people communicate so this is all stuff I am learning!

You need to have a rethink about how things are.
He isn't going to give up golf, and you don't want him to, but you want some nice home time with him but he isn't here enough.

So the answer would be he does less golf and you have nice home time when he is available - but there is the rest of the time when you are on your own or wanting to have people over, you need to find a way that you enjoy this time even though he isn't there. You don't want to end up being the exhausted stay at home mum who never gets out or has fun, so can you find single friends who would come over and not care that he wasn't there, can you get babysitters or family to watch DCs when he is away so that you can go out?
Then he is having free, fun time and you are too. That's what I would aim for and as for your shopping trip not being scheduled, well that's ridiculous, anything you choose to do can be scheduled in if you want it. In fact I am sure you do most of the child care so far from your stuff not being scheduled, anything you choose to do away from the DCs should be given a priority if he wants a happy DW.

Oh, and try to have a proper talk about this. Allot time for it and both sit down and take turns having your say. Possibly write down what is decided and pin it to the wall. Then no one can take extra time away without a guilt trip!

You start off OP by saying that this isn't a big problem, but sometimes you worry your marriage is at risk because of it. I think that is a big problem and you really should talk to him about that. You sound very loving and caring and you also sound like you put your needs and feelings second to his. Why do you do that. I think not many people would put up with this, especially whilst their family is so young.

the only thing he really gets animated talking about is golf, he gets into frightful moods if its going badly, he spends hours reading about it online Seems to me that golf transforms him into a self-absorbed, narky bore. Which is nice.

Thanks for all the replies - I know its something I need to sort out and reach the balance. I guess its hard to know what that balance should be, but as you rightly point out, its whatever works for each individual.

winding - that's what scares me . He's not, generally, a self obsessed bore, but golf seems to do that to people (have two friends who have divorced their DH's over it). Its a question of whether the golf obsession is a symptom of an unhappy DH trying to run away from his responsibilities or just a side effect that can be curtailed.

Sigh. Onwards and upwards.

I think you need to give yourself permission to say no, you can't go. I totally understand what you say about not wanting him to go but not wanting to say no, but I think you have a bit of an opening here, because he has agreed to cut back, he just hasn't done it.

So let's say you agree he'll only do three more this year. Then after the three are done, if he asks to do more, it really is okay to say no, I don't think you should, because you promised you would only do three.

That is not really saying no, that is expecting him to keep to his word.

I also think it's ridiculous that you can't go out shopping if that's what you want to do. How is shopping really that different from golf? You walk around for a few hours and spend a bunch of money

I think you need to nip it in the bud now because if you don't, he will increase his golfing until you hardly see each other.
As someone upthread said, once he's done his 3 competitions then say 'No' and remind him what he promised.

One of my friends didn't curtail her DH's hobby because she preferred him out of the way when the DC were little. Now, they barely spend any time together at all.