my own worst enemy :(

[SupremePizza]

hello all. name changed for this as its super embarassing.
I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my relationship. I am clingy, needy, supremely paranoid and live in a constant fear of dread. I love my DP so much, but the more clingy I get the more he backs off. He now says he needs a bit of space, which has just made me worse. I've been paranoid for years, prob should be treated for it, and most of the time I know I'm being stupid but find it so hard to stop myself worrying that the worst is going to happen.
How can I stop being clingy before its too late and I drive him away for good? I am aware I sound like a teenage girl but unfortunately I am not :(

You will need to find a way to stop because you're at serious risk of losing your partner. Clinginess isn't nice and it isn't understandable to a person who does't feel 'it' in the same way that you do.

My advice would be that you make yourself a little bit more unavailable - truly unavailable. See your friends, have hobbies, do something for yourself, eg. go to the gym, swimming, drama club - anything.

If you think that you should receive treatment then make that happen - only you can do that.

Whatever happens in this relationship, you need to fix yourself so that you can be happy with or without a partner because believe me, if you don't - the only partner who would be happy with you is one that you really wouldn't want.

I wish you well, get some good help - see your gp for referral if necessary.

thank you.
I am trying to start doing things like that but I don't have many friends. I am seeing one tonight though so thats good. I just don't want to be so unavailable that he thinks I'm cheating on him. God that sounds daft doesn't it?

You don't need many friends, Supreme, you just need one or two or a few to do things with. Don't be available on the phone tonight either.

Why would your partner think that you would be cheating on him if you were unavailable? He wouldn't, that's your perspective, which is skewed to what you would think. He wants space, give it to him. Make your life enjoyable without him. He should be a bonus not an instrument of torture.

It doesn't matter how long you've been with him - you are a woman in your own right.

Ponder this bit of advice that I read somewhere (I thought it was spot on): "Never make someone a priority for whom you are only an option". If that makes you uncomfortable it means you've been doing just that - stop it, for your sake.

You're not daft; you've identified behaviour that you need to change, that's all. We all need a 'do over' from time to time.

You say that you prob should be treated for your issues regarding clinginess and insecurity and I agree with you OP.

It is great that you recognize that you have problems with relationships.. However, this insight has not been enough for you to actually change your behavior. Counseling can be really good for understanding and changing patterns. Please do it and break free from whatever is preventing you from enjoying your relationships with others and yourself.

Have you been accused of cheating in a past relationship? Why would you think he will think you are cheating if you have a life of your own?

Hello, thanks for replying. Its just so hard to let go and trust people. Hopefully therapy or something can change that. I do recognise the 'needing space' as a warning sign that I am pushing him jsut that tiny bit too much. Luckily he's away at a conference now, so is having his space and I've made sure I don't send the first text or call him. Its been very hard but I've done it! I said don't call me, have your space. He suggested, how about he calls if he wants to? And he called me today :)
Obviously now I'm trying to find something bad in it. Like, he's about to dump me and feels guilty so he called.
Just read that back. I'm going to find a therapist pronto.

Hi Dahlen. Yes, in this relationship about 3 years ago I had an emotional affair and DP found out. I worry ever since that he thinks I'll now go out and actually cheat when left to my own devices. Even though he encourages me having my own life and says he won't think that.

Did you work through why you had the emotional affair and what need it fulfilled?

I think we all have situations where what we feel is contrary to what we know is the best course of action. Head v heart and all that. In those cases, I let my head take control and keep giving my emotions a little pep talk. It gets easier with practice.

Take him at his word and develop your own life. You'll feel scared but keep reminding yourself that he may worry about you cheating if you have a life of your own but he definitely will be driven away from you if you keep being insecure and clingy. As I say, it does get easier.

oh yes. and to be honest it was over before it had really started, if that makes sense. I had a crush on someone who never knew.
I don't want to drive him away. And I recognise that if someone acted needy and clingy towards me I'd probably run a mile. So it can't be easy for him. Maybe I'll join a club of some sort as well as the gym.

I'm really concerned, OP. If you're not careful you could get into a master -v- dog scenario, ie. he (the master) calls you when he wants to and you (I love dogs, by the way), jump up, wag your tail and do his bidding. Alway at his behest, never yours. You don't sound at all as if you have an equal relationship.

I don't think your DP is concerned that you'd cheat; he wants you to have your space and, what's key here is HE WANTS HIS SPACE. Is he committed to you? Are you still punishing yourself for your affair? Until you act as an equal in this relationship, you never will be - and he WILL leave you.

I think you need to get therapy as a priority - and actually develop a life without him in the meantime. Clingy people are tedious to be around. Make your life genuinely interesting for YOU so that the focus is not on your partner and what he thinks.

Please be GENUINELY unavailable sometimes, OP... trying to be unavailable doesn't cut it and you'll be left bewildered and still clingy.

Therapy towards your independence would really, really help you.

I used to be so independent when I was single before I met him. BuT i suppose living together for so long has sort of knocked it out of me a bit and you're right I do need to get it back.
I love dogs too. Just had a little flash of my with a waggy tail then had to rein it in and think seriously. I am still punishing myself, yes.
He himself has said, don't worry about being home to cook me dinner or that I'll be home alone. Go out and live your own life sometimes. Which I will try to do. I want to be happy either on my own or with him. He should be the cherry on my cake, not my cake.