What am I doing wrong?

[Shoesme84]

Hello, I need some dating/relationship advice please.

I?m male, 29, have met a very nice lady, same age. We both have a child each, me a 2 year old boy, her a 5 year old daughter.

Thinks have been bobbling along happily for about 6/7 weeks now, apart from last night after I left hers, she sent me a text asking if I find her attractive and some other things where she thinks I?m not into her, this is because the past couple of times we haven?t had sex. We?ve just enjoyed, I thought at least, snuggling/kissing on the sofa for a few hours while we watch tv etc. The reason for the lack of action is basically because I?m tired, I work then have my son for a few hours 3 times a week as well as every other weekend and I suffer from insomnia anyway so I?m just running on fumes most of the time which has never been a problem while I?ve been single. I go up to hers in the week after I have dropped my son back at his mothers as she only lives 5 mins away and it saves time, I?m otherwise an hour away when I don?t have my son.

I see her for around 3 hours a time before going home, she has said that I can stay at hers then go to work from there, however I am very reluctant because she has a daughter and we?d cross each others paths in the morning and I just don?t think it?s a reasonable time frame we?ve been dating for me to be thrust upon her daughter.

We do go about on nights out together etc, about twice a month before going home separately.

I do really like her, I find her attractive, sexy etc I have explained all this to her. I think part of the problem for me is, since I have had my son, the dating game has changed, I really don?t know what I?m doing anymore and so am happy to just let things happen on it?s own.

My routine with my son won?t change anytime soon, neither will the stress of my work or my sleeping patterns so I?m now worried that I?m wasting her time, which I don?t want to do. I have asked her what she expects of me and she said just for me to be honest, which I have been doing. Like I said I don?t want to waste her time cos things won?t change overnight.

What I am doing wrong? Is sex everytime i see her the answer? Although having sex then leaving for the night doesn't sit well with me.

Sorry for the ramble and I?ll try to get back to Mumsnet to answer any questions as soon as I can.

Thank you

You sound lovely Shoes. Your GF sounds a little insecure from what you've said.

Have a chat with her, say pretty much what you've said here and hopefully she'll understand the situation a bit better and feel more secure about the relationship.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong Shoes...

She seems to believe that attraction = sex, whereas I believe sex grows out of attraction, affection and desire for intimacy that comes with time...

Except for mutual hot-headed physical lust :)

"The reason for the lack of action is basically because I?m tired"

Sorry but 'too tired' is pretty unflattering after 6 or 7 weeks. I think you want different things

Shoes - let me break it down (cracking knuckles).. went through this myself (2 kids fulltime, work and trying to start a new relationship with a woman with one DC)...

Sex is vital! I thought I was doing the descent thing, showing that i cared for her, snuggling, loving contact but 'no sex'. It wasn't a rule just felt to ease into things and thought showing you were a really good guy was way to go.

Wrong!. she doesn't want someone to simply be nice to. She spends the day playing nice guy to her DC and she expects you to be the thrill, the passion etc etc but certainly not the norm.

And guess what - she has every right to feel that way.

There's an element of convenience in this for you (distance from her home to your DC) and she probably knows it. So now she probably cleans up after you as well as her DC and what does she have to show for it... not much (not even a warm bed).
Thats gotta play on her head.

If you cant give her what she needs sex then don't give her what she doesn't need man on sofa that reminds her of her useless ex

You are at different stages in your lives. talk to her, discuss expectations, and for crying out loud stop taking advantage (even if she lets you).

Thanks for the answers so far, I think insecurity may play a part in it, it sounds really silly but she does drop hints about me putting pictures of her on my FB, there are a couple of when we?ve been out but this doesn?t seem to be sufficient. It?s just I?ve been in relationships before where it?s all played out on FB and I?m just too old for that now.

I understand me being too tired to have sex with her after 6/7 weeks does look really bad, however it?s only be a couple of occasions recently, I?ve probably been really naïve but I?ve been happy to just snuggle on the settee, she hasn?t initiated anything so I?ve thought nothing is wrong.

That's rather well put ofmiceandmen

Why do you still have insomnia?
Have you seen your GP? Tried to sort it out?
When a partner hears 'tired' it just seems like a crap excuse. Even if it's totally true.

Get some medication, start to sleep better and get some order back into your bedtime and then you can start to focus on each other and what you both need.
It may be that you are not compatible.
I know I'd feel rejected in her situation.

Tip: see less of her when you are exhausted if you value her. let her know why, then arrange days when you know you will be your best.

you'll soon realise she is less absorbed with sex. use one of those club nights out for something else, proper bonding (whilst fresh) time.

if you were less tired would you not want to be all over her? if not .. you're not compatible.

Good luck (man to man)

I would have thought sex each time you saw each other (if you had the opportunity) would be the norm after only 6 or 7 weeks. You shouldn't be able to keep your hands off each other. No wonder she is thinking something is wrong. It sounds like you are after different things.

Thank you, I haven?t really looked at it from the point of view that I may be taking advantage and looking from the outside I can see that it might look like that. I go to hers, watch tv, have a cup of tea etc then I?m on my merry way until next time. I do need to sit down with her and talk.

As for the insomnia I?ve not done anything about it, pretty much because I haven?t needed to, up until meeting someone and obviously they are affected by it.

"I think insecurity may play a part in it"

Gee ya think?.... She's got to be pretty unhappy to text you 'do you find me attractive' and want pictures on FB for reassurance etc. Where's your enthusiasm for this woman?!? All this 'too tired' and 'too old (for FB)' at 29.... when you're in the first weeks of a relationship it should be all fizz and fireworks. Plenty of time for cardigans, slippers, and 'let's just have a quiet night in' when you're drawing your pension.

Great post from of mice and men.

In a long-term established relationship it's quite a different thing to feel too tired for sex, but after just a few weeks I wouldn't take it as a good sign, either.

That said, the whole FB thing would be enough for me to end the relationship.

Is this one of those reverse threads? Are you actually the girlfriend OP?

Normally at the beginning of the relationship you are at it like rabbits. If you already can't be bothered because you feel too tired after only a few weeks together then it makes me question if you are attracted to her. If it is like this now then there is not much hope for the future.

Lol I'm not the GF.

We only haven't had sex, when we've had the opportunity, twice now, and it's genuinely because I'm tired.

I'm hoping it's just a blip and the fireworks come back.

Here?s a recent time line of our sexual activity ?

Last Tuesday ? Had sex (Hurrah)

Last Thursday ? No sex

Last Friday ? No sex (No opportunity)

Last Sunday ? No sex (No opportunity)

Last night ? No sex

You shouldn't be seeing her when you are that tired. No wonder she feels unappreciated. If my new guy was too tired for anything but a cuddle 6 weeks in I'd be questioning a) how much he fancied me b) how much he valued me. It's not just the sex (though it is, I would panic that you had a low libido and that would worry me) it's more about showing enthusiasm and excitement to see her.

Also, I?m not sure if I made it clear or not, but I haven?t said to her ?no I don?t want sex with you because I?m tired?. I just haven?t instigated it because I?m tired, I did ask why she didn?t instigated it and she said it?s because she?d be mortified if I said no.

The more I read your opinions and my answers the more I think it?s just because we?re not that compatible.

You sound like my ideal man - a bit young though.

It's a long time since my dating days but it all seemed to be pushing them off me, no one was interested in a cup of tea and a chat .

When you are really excited to see someone in the early heady days, you are not even aware of tiredness. You can stay up all night just talking. The fact you are so young and complaining you are tired all the time would put me right off. What are you going to be like in your 40s???!

I get the impression you're not that into her. Or just not quite in the headspace to be in a relationship atm?

I am into her but i am also very aware that it scares the hell out of me knowing that at some point in the future i'll have to introduce her into my sons life if it carries on going well etc. Which I have never done with previous relationships.

I'm not some old fart, i do enjoy going out, sharing experiences together and all that jazz. I just don't want to rush anything.

I'd be really fed up if someone I'd been seeing for a few weeks was too tired to have sex with me. A friend of mine has just dumped her boyfriend of 6 months for that reason.

I don't think this is destined to go very far, unfortunately.

Wait a minute... first you say the lack of action is because you're too tired, now you say you don't want to rush anything. In between you cite 'lack of opportunity'. Ever heard the expression faint heart never won fair lady?. Honestly... I don't think your heart's really in this.

I meant rushing it with the children. We're going to have a talk tonight so i will respond later but thank you for the advice so far everyone.

Why should she be mortified of instigating it and you saying no?
What if you instigated it and she said no?
It should be ok for both.
Maybe she has issues regarding rejection from a previous partner?