pregnant and not sure i can do this.....

[feekerry]

firstly i really hope i don't offend anyone. i realise some people can't have children but i am in pieces here.
i have recently found out i am pg with dc2. dc1 is just 14m so was a bit shocked.
we did want another dc at some point but i just feel so trapped by this. dh is really happy and i think he is deluded.
dc1 sleep is awful and v clingy. i do all the nights as dc wont settle for anyone else. last night i had about 4h sleep.
i love my job. just got a promotion. i have only been back at work 5 months so dread telling them. i won't be able to go back to my same job if i take more than a few months maternity.
i have just got my body back and started to get a life back. i gave up my hobby to have dc which has really thrown me as it was gut wrenching giving up my horses and with 2nd dc on the way i will never get that back.
i just feel i have given up so much and feel slightly resentful towards dh who still has his hobby and interests and nights out with friends whilst i have given up everything. he really wants the 2nd dc.
i am not sure i do.....

If you don't want the baby you don't have to, it is your body and your decision. x

Do you want to discuss a termination? (Might want to repost, focussing on that in "antenatal tests and choices" for that aspect).

Or a way to find 'yourself' again? Because if you stay home, eaten up with resentment, then neither your marriage and your DC will flourish.

Have you actually spoken to DH about this? Has he adjusted time he spends on his solopursuits so that you get a similar (and regular/reliable) time to pursue you interests?

Are you talking to DH about anything/everything?

How would your husband feel about being the primary care giver? Is there any reason it must be you?

Why have you given up so much while your DH hasn't? Your DC has 2 parents, you should be sharing childcare equally and have the same amount of hobby time.

If you really don't want this baby then you don't have to. It's your body and your life and you really shouldn't feel pressured into doing something that you really don't want to. After all grandparents go home and husbands go back to work etc. do what is right for you x

If you do have the baby is dh being the stay at home parent for a while an option?

If the issues you have listed were resolved do you think you would still want the baby? If yes then perhaps you should sit down and think about how to deal with each of them.

Sleep - perhaps have a look at some methods to improve your child's sleep. CC worked well for us though it's not everyone's cup of tea. Let your OH do some nights and pop ear plugs in. DC will learn to settle for him with practice.

Work - I got a promotion a couple of weeks before I found out I was pregnant with DC1. It happens. Not allowing you to keep your job if you go on may leave is sex discrimination so unless your employer wants to be taken to employment tribunal they need to think about this. Join a union!

Hobby - you could still ride once you've recovered. What have you done with your horses? Are they on loan? There are ways of incorporating riding into your life again. Also having both kids close together means you'll get your hobby back permanently much sooner.

However if you can't resolve this or feel there are no circumstances under which you can continue I guess there's a conversation to have with your OH. You do have a choice but it's hard when one partner wants to continue and the other doesn't. Good luck.

sounds tough, especially when your doing most of the care giving for your first. I imagine thinking about a 2nd is incredibly daunting. have you told your H about your thoughts? if you want to keep it then maybe he could take time off work to look after the 2nd. Do you have family around who could help take the pressure off?

I remember the shock of finding i was pg with dc2, dc1 was 10 months, i was horrified.

What I can say is 40 weeks is a long time and I was in a much better place by the time the baby arrived.

Good luck.

i really need to get control of my emotions i think. never felt this up and down with dc1.
dh does do his fair share. its not his fault dd is so clingy to me.
i am just all over the place at the mo. everything is sortable. the horse is on loan.
i need to just get a grip. sorry folks. not normally like this. x

I think Chairman is right, it would be helpful to break things down and see if there are ways to address everything.

I totally understand the initial panic and thinking you just can't do it. I think it's a pretty weighty decision though, and it would be good to really write out everything you are worried about and see if there is any way of making it work. If there isn't, it is absolutely your choice not to proceed. It's fine for other people to be happy about it but YOU are the one who will bear the brunt of it and it's completely valid to decide you don't want to.

I do think this should spark some kind of reevaluation of the balance in your household though, it is absolutely ridiculous that you have given up so much and your DH's life has not changed at all.
Why did you have to give up horses and nights out?
Why is it automatic that you will have to go on leave for a long time? Fathers can take 6 months too now.
It might not be his fault she is clingy but perhaps if he took over more care she would be less so?

What La Chaise said.
I was appalled when I found out I was expecting DC2, I had only just got used to the change in my life that becoming a Mother meant.

I was depressed about it until a threatened miscarriage suddenly put it all into perspective.
I think if you seriously consider termination it could damage your relationship with your DH as he is thrilled.
Get him off his backside and make him share the night duties, you need to rest and sleep well now that you are pregnant.

You don't need to be sorry for feeling overwhelmed! it's a massive change just having one child let alone a 2nd especially when you don't feel like you've settled into a routine with the first yet.
can you have a chat with Dh and try and organise shifts with the night feeds, and maybe a day that you can go out with your horse so you feel like you have a night for you again? even if while your pregnant it's just going and sitting in the stables rather than riding. just being out of the house without baby might help.

I think it's great your talking about this, any transition in life comes with gains as well as loses and it's important to be aware and manage the loses too, having children comes with a lot of change, especially to mum's!
good luck x

No wonder your dh is delighted, he hasn't had to change his life one jot since dc1 was born so gets to enjoy dc1 as well as his hobbies, nights out and good nights sleep. Whatever happens with your pregnancy, he needs to shoulder more parenting responsibities or you will be exhausted and eaten up with resentment. Sit down with him and organise your time so that you each get equal time off for hobbies or friends. If you do this I think you might start to feel a bit less panicked about the pregnancy.