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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So mad on my sister's behalf

13 replies

KiteSurfer · 10/06/2013 23:35

She's been married nearly 20yrs, it's always been a volatile relationship but they have both mellowed as they've got older. They have 2 teens and she would never break the marriage up because she doesn't want to spoil things for the kids, although she fantasises about leaving him once the kids are at uni.

She works p/t, her husband earns 6 times what she does. He pays practically all of the bills, she pays for food shopping. There isn't a lot of money left once she's paid for the shopping. She has a credit card bill of £2k which she's slowly paying off herself, her 'D'H knows about her CC bill. They have separate bank accounts; this will never change. She has no access to his accounts, and doesn't even know how much he has in savings, although she knows he received a sizeable inheritance a few years ago.

Her 'D' H has an absorbing hobby and she's just found out he's planning a holiday abroad next year on a birdwatching trip. It's costing £1200 and he'll gone for approx 10 days.
He hasn't told her, someone going on the trip has phoned tonight to speak to her 'D'H (he's working late) hence how she found out.

She is so bloody gutted, feels like he can just do what the hell he wants, when he wants and he will.

She still won't consider leaving though. What can I say to make her see sense? Sad

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ThisIsMummyPig · 10/06/2013 23:43

You can't say anything to make her see sense. She is making the decision that she wants to. Somebody needs to make him see sense about the bloody credit card though.

If I were her I would only buy food for her and the kids, and tell her 'd'h that she is using the other money to pay off the credit card.

Actually that's not true. I would tell him point blank that he owes me that money, and carry on until he either caved in or left.

wordyBird · 11/06/2013 00:48

It must feel awful for you, to see her so hurt like this. I'm not sure if you can make her see sense, or say anything much.

But you could ask her what she'd do if he met someone else, and left her. Hanging on nobly doesn't always work out as you expect, so it's one way to broach the subject.

The secretly arranged holiday rings alarm bells on many levels.

tallwivglasses · 11/06/2013 01:08

I think how you deal with it is let her have her moan, then repeat what her options are, ie. put up with it, sort it or ltb.You can't change her mind, but it might help if you stop engaging. You can still be there for her.

Startail · 11/06/2013 01:17

Nothing you can do, she should have demanded a joint bank account before they had DCs.

It's years too late now.

Im guessing she won't even refuse to do his food shopping and no doubt cook for the cunt until he pays off her credit card bill and buys her a plane ticket too.

KiteSurfer · 11/06/2013 08:13

To all intents and purposes she has a very comfortable life and presents a happy married life to the outside world. She's not happy though. Sad

Not sure what will happen when she confronts him. She said she's going to insist she goes too. I don't think it's suspicious, she's gleaned who else is going and it's all married men (without their wives) and a couple of couples.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/06/2013 08:35

" They have 2 teens and she would never break the marriage up because she doesn't want to spoil things for the kids"

This is her problem. If you spend 15 or 20 years not only putting up with a particular situation but also shutting off your exit then you've not got much of a leg to stand on. Certainly she doesn't have any bargaining power. Yes he does what the hell he wants because there never are and never will be any consequences.

KiteSurfer · 11/06/2013 08:48

Yes, I see what you mean Cogito. It's strange because she"s a really fiesty woman and takes no prisoners in other parts of her life. She nearly always has to have a massive row to get him to see her viewpoint, it's virtually impossible for them to choose any item for the house together. Such hard work. Sad

She does occasionally ask him if he can afford a divorce when they argue, and I think he knows they'll either end up divorced or one of those couples who spend their lives separately.

The last stand off they had, he said he'd leave if he didn't get his way and she said go - but he didn't. So she can be quite forceful.

I think it's the complete lack of consideration that's peeing her off, tbh.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/06/2013 08:52

"The last stand off they had, he said he'd leave if he didn't get his way and she said go - but he didn't. So she can be quite forceful"

The pair of them are all hot air aren't they? Neither of then follows through on the threats. If they're not prepared to either piss or get off the pot I would stay well out of it. There are people IME who love to dump their problems on others and love nothing more than a good moan about partners. But, when you dig a little, you find they're actually quite happy in the middle of their self-styled soap opera and all they're after is an audience. i.e. a sympathetic sister Hmm

DeckSwabber · 11/06/2013 08:54

Well, the problem is that while husband may not be happy either he has his job and his hobby and those things are not under any threat.

Wife is staying even though she's not happy, and I'll bet she does the lions share of the housework and running around after the kids. He's just leaving her to it.

Personally, I think she should use the time he's away to have a long hard think.

KiteSurfer · 11/06/2013 09:35

I've never thought of it like that before Cogito, but I do see your point.

I mentioned the stand off bit because I felt it showed she's not a sap - he didn't leave but didn't get his own way that time either, so she stood her ground.

I'm at a loss to understand how someone strong can't take that final stand and make the first move to divorce. I'm sure she'd be happier out of that marriage.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/06/2013 09:45

She wants to stay for "the sake of the children"(poor kids), also the actual process of leaving can be very difficult even when there is abuse in the shape of controlling behaviours or financial abuse (like there is in her marriage).

He also acts like this too because he can. She has a choice re him as well, her children do not. She will perhaps always find some reason not to leave.

I feel for their children mainly; they won't thank their mother for staying with their dad and perhaps wonder of her why she has put him before them. Her relationship with them could well be damaged as a result. What have they taught their own children about relationships here?. Damaging lessons that's what.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/06/2013 09:54

Like a lot of people, your sister has had 20+ years acclimatising to conditions within a marriage that a casual onlooker would say were completely unacceptable. She will have rationalised this and that, made allowances & excuses, and either thinks she doesn't have a choice or has convinced herself that it's all fairly tolerable as long as she can have a bit of an old shout from time to time or offload on a friend/sister.

I'm sure she's well aware that, if they divorced, he'd be obliged to support the DCs (and possibly herself) with some of his generous income, and she'd be able to set up solo in a nice little place with her share of the proceeds of the family home. She'd probably be far better off.

So, however bad she makes it sound, the alternatives are clearly not better to her. Hence I repeat.... stay out of it but, if you feel her marital problems are dragging you down or making you annoyed, do feel free to say that either she calls it a day or shuts up about it.

KiteSurfer · 11/06/2013 10:55

Tough Love needed I think. Feel protective of her even though I'm the younger one.

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