I'm feeling very down today over my relationship and wondering if it is the right thing to stay with my DP or whether it would be better to call it a day. I need some advice I think but the whole thing is such a complicated mess in my head I'm not even sure where to start.
We have a nine month old DS and I am very torn as on the one hand I believe it's better for kids if their parents can stay together as long as the relationship is 'good enough'; on the other hand there are times when the thought of spending my whole life with DP is just depressing.
I get so frustrated with him. I'm not perfect by any means and this is in danger of turning into a bitching session but it's things like, last year for his birthday I bought him a bike (a big thing for me budget-wise and something I thought he would really enjoy having). The second time he rode it, it got a puncture. Since then, it's been out of action, he tried once to fix it and couldn't and that was that. A year ago. That kind of thing is typical - if he doesn't want to do something he just doesn't, it could be something trivial or really important, it will get dragged out for months on end and then I feel like a harridan telling him what to do. To be fair he does his share around the house but there are some things that need addressing - we both know it but NOTHING ever happens.
When we are around my family and friends I often feel embarrassed by his behaviour. Like he starts sentences and doesn't finish them, he acts ill at ease and doesn't take part, seems to deliberately say odd things to shut conversations down. He works in a record shop and if someone asks what music he's listening to at the moment he might say he doesn't like music. I think a lot of it is shyness but part of it is just being bloody-minded. He doesn't want to 'fit in' iykwim, he doesn't like my family and the truth is I don't like his. I desperately WANTED to get on with them but being around them is so stressful as they don't seem to communicate, I can never tell if they like me, his dad particularly is really grumpy and his mum seems to rule the roost and I'm expected to go along with everything on their terms - we were basically told we were coming on holiday to Scotland with them this year. A six hour car journey with a nine month old isn't a prospect I enjoy, and nor is a tense week trailing round museums or sitting in a pub with them. The situation with his family is a significant part of what is making me unhappy but I don't have a clue what I can do about it!
When I met him I fell in love really hard (from what I've written it probably sounds unlikely!). I pursued him more than the other way round. I knew he was eccentric and had some problems (e.g. quite a heavy drinker - but hasn't been since we got together), I worried about how on earth we were going to have a normal relationship but couldn't stay away. And then a year into the relationship I fell pregnant and he really supported me to the hilt despite the fact that he had never wanted children. And now he is a doting dad and I have to say a very kind partner but I feel I need more. We don't have sex much anymore and I have lost my desire for it. Maybe due to breastfeeding or something but it feels like I've lost my desire for HIM, it's become something I have to force myself to do but I don't want him to know that. The truth is he might be feeling the same anyway. I'm also being treated for depression and my tablets have helped with my mood swings but maybe not with my sex drive.
When we have time together doing something special as a couple we do enjoy it (this only has happened twice since we had DS). He's funny, he's decent and there are times I feel a lot of love for him but others when I really don't and I feel trapped. Most evenings we just watch tv and are too tired/lazy for anything more exciting than that and I know that's not good for the relationship but we are stuck in this rut and obviously not free to just head out for some romantic adventure.
I don't want to hurt DP, to fail at this relationship with my son's father, to make DS miss out on growing up in a proper family but I do worry that the goodwill is slowly ebbing away on both sides with some pretty nasty arguments and I'm unsure if I can turn that around. Then again, we can be very loving and cuddly with each other and that is a lovely aspect of our relationship. It's like the relationship is balanced on scales and there are some really good things on one side but increasingly a lot of crap on the other and it's getting to be weighted in that direction and I do not know what to do about it.