Different ideas

[Firsttimemummy33]

Myself and dh seem to have very different parenting ideas. Probably rather naively before we had ds I thought childcare would be 50/50. Our ds is now six months old - my dh works full time and I am still on mat leave. I do everything for ds all his feeds nappies etc day and night. Occasionally dh will allow me a lie in on a weekend but not very often. I have spoken to him about wanting him to do more to help, he either says he will (which he may try but can't really settle ds like I can) or makes a joke of it. I really resent the fact that he can continue to do as he pleases and all responsibility falls to me. Don't get me wrong i love ds so much and really dont mind doing everything for him but feel that my dh should want to help me and be there more for his ds, who I've no doubt he loves to bits. I get so angry about this but am sick of trying to get dh to see my point - I feel like I hate him sometimes. I wanted to try for baby number two soon but now am not so sure. All other fathers I hear about seem to be fantastic doing the night feeds, giving their wife a rest etc. is this just me??!!

I think DH has given me one lie in since DS was born nearly 9 years ago!

The fact is that I wake up anyway and he works late into the evening.

DS was a nightmare child, reflux, never slept, I would often still be up at 1 or 2 am when DH got home from work. I would let him organise himself/change then give DS to DH and go to bed. On a really bad night, I might be up again at 5 to let DH get 5 hours sleep before going to work, but then I took DS out every afternoon so DH could have a peaceful siesta.

DH has never done 50% of the childcare, but he does more now than ever before (we have 3 DCs). He has gone skiing every year leaving me with DC, if he has to Orkney on his day with DC, he seems to think I should make alternative arrangements.

This year, I will get my just reward. I am going away for 5 days, with DHs cousin, for some late sun, leaving DH with 3 DC!

If he has to work.....

Not just you. Our dd is only a few weeks old, but I've been shocked at the unfair division of labour wrt looking after her. I do 24/7. In the last 24 hours I've had one hour of sleep. I think of myself now as a lone parent, with a guy who appears on an evening for a couple of hours, makes a mess and waters the plants and then f*cks off to a nice big comfy bed for an early night. This is NOT what I thought it would be like. Tempted to go back to work full time now so that I am "contributing" in a way that means I also deserve quality unbroken sleep, see what he does then. Meh.

Sounds like you need some time to yourself OP. In your shoes I'd be finding a friend or relative to urgently spend the weekend with, leave the baby in the tender care of Dad, packing a bag and letting him get on with it. Trust me, DS will settle in your absence and your DH will get confidence from the experience. You're only going to feel more and more resentful if you carry on sucking it up and being the only parent. Have a nice time away....

I think many full time working dads with a first child just don't realise how much work and lack of sleep a baby is. To be fair he can't realise it unless he does some sole care. Combined with it all feeling new and scary and that you have so much more experience than him (as you've done it all so far) he could be feel

Oops posted too soon..,

Feeling inadequate and useless. You need time out and to leave him in sole charge. Physically remove yourself that way your child has to settle for him, and won't keep crying because they know you are upstairs/in the spare room/whatever.

Our DS1 was a fantastic baby and DH pulled his weight. DS2 is a clingy nightmare and so much more work (but lovely too!) I remember with glee the first time DH had sole charge of both of them for a few hours. I left the house thinking NOW you'll understand what I've been saying! He was fine and so were the kids.

Get out, get your hair done or some other treat and leave them to it.