Feeling insecure socially after split from h

[InNeedOfSense]

Hello, I've posted here from time to time.

I separated from my h earlier this year - complex reasons, trying to sort them all through now really. I was married for a long time, getting on for 20 years.

H wasn't and isn't a 'sociable' person, and when we married just after I left university, I lost touch with quite a few friends. H never really wanted anyone to come and stay, or to get to know new friends in our local area. We did make some friends, but not many.

So, all these years later, he's left. And I'm left feeling isolated and a bit lonely. I'm quite a busy person and have loads to do - usually much more to do than time - but I am feeling very much in need of friends. I have made my own friends over the past 5 or so years, but because we've moved a number of times none of my good friends are local. We moved to a new area about 6 months before h left, so I'm still very new locally. I'm getting to know local people, I'm on the dcs' school PTA and support school events, try to chat to other mums in the playground etc. I'm also fixing up to meet with non-local friends as much as I can. So I'm being as proactive as I know how to be.

But the problem is that my confidence has been really knocked - after so long of being in a couple where friends were not really valued, and having to justify to h why we should invite x round for dinner, I feel as though I've lost some of my social skills. I don't know if that's really true objectively, or if it's just my fear. But I do fear that people won't really like me, and will see me as a needy person or a drain.

I try to be positive and fun and to take an interest in other peoples' lives - I'm quite good at all that - but I do have this nagging fear that I'm a bit second-class socially. For example, a non-local friend has invited me, informally, to her wedding, and said that she'll email me the invite and details, but a week later, hasn't. She's just moved house, and it's logically completely understandable to say that she's up to her elbows in packing boxes. But the nagging fear is that she's changed her mind and wishes she hadn't invited me. I'm wondering how soon I can email her and ask for directions etc. I've got another dilemma which is a bit more complicated, so I'll stick with this one for now!

How can I get over this insecurity? Any suggestions - anyone else been there?

I went through similar. It's because you are used to a partner in crime ... Even if they were socially inept! Your confidence will grow the more you socialise. Also... My mum told me once that the only person who can make you feel inferior is yourself. You are doubting yourself.. Your confidence, your ability. You only feel what you think. Try a more positive approach in yourself. Its not an instant fix but over time it works!

At least you realise that this stems from your confidence being knocked. My view is that, rather than waiting for the confidence to return, just get on and act like a confident person until you feel like one. Play the part. 'Fake it until you make it'. Phone the house-moving wedding friend straight away therefore. "How's it going? Can I help? So looking forward to your wedding. Have you had chance to send out the invites....?" Breezy, breezy, breezy.... :) Good luck

Thanks! :) Since I posted this, I've phoned a (non-local) friend and fixed up to stay overnight with her during the summer, and had a nice long chat. So that's good! :)

I am aware that since the split, I've been able to be a whole lot more sociable than I was when I was with h. He was and is one of those people who spends a party looking at his watch just waiting for the earliest time to go home (I've had to leave so many parties early) whereas now I can just stay as long as I like. So it's great. But the flipside is that I feel a lot more 'exposed' as a single person and much less confident. Weird mix.

Warning.... when the 'exposed' feeling wears off and you start looking forward to those 3am wine-sipping, putting the world to rights and flirting outrageously sessions... they can be rather addictive!! :)

Going all Gok Wan on you for a second... as part of playing the lead-role as 'confident person', would a costume help? i.e. a makeover, hair-cut and some new party frocks?

:)

I've had a new haircut and highlights since h left, and I've also lost more than a stone in weight (I needed to). I've got some amazing dresses that I can now fit back into, so I've done a bit of a Gok on myself! :) I need to lose another stone if not more, but now that I'm into very healthy eating mode, I'm pretty sure that'll happen. Physically I'm in much better shape, tbh - I've started exercising much more and generally looking after myself much better. Lots of people lately have commented on how good I look which, in my current state of mind, makes me feel even more 'exposed' (But it's nice to think that I'm looking all right!)

It's just that being a recently separated person does make me feel bit of a social misfit, tbh. It's probably completely irrational!

Go girlfriend!!!!

I don't think you're going to have any trouble. Yes, some peculiar people find hot single babes like ourselves (ahem!) a bit of a threat and possessively clutch their husbands close as we sashay through dinner parties, flicking our new highlights and crossing our Slimcea Girl legs in full view of the neighbours.... but IME they are well and truly in a rather neurotic minority. Enjoy the liberation

I'm afraid it's a fact that couples prefer to socialise with other couples or even single men rather than single women, possibly seen as a threat or they prefer to have balance at dinners out etc. Sad, but true. Unless the woman is your establised friend, as an exception.

Why not try meeting other single/divorced people? I'd feel very odd at a party full of couples.

I agree with allaflutter, so, flip it round and accept that it is often couples' lack of social confidence that prevents them from inviting single women.

I haven't lost any friends. But there's a difference between a friend and somebody you hung out with because as a foursome it kinda worked :-/

I'm 6 years post apocalypse now. And how I feel about myself has changed massively in that time. I know longer torture myself trying to figure out how what my identity is now that I'm single, but with children. it just all seems to make sense now, and I'm happy. I have a couple of good friends who are single.

Hmm...well, the friends I've lost are those who were h's friends and mine by extension. But they are quite a small and select group anyway!

I think it's the combination of the split with h and moving to new areas a few times that have made me a bit isolated. I've concentrated a lot on facilitating the dcs' friendships, so maybe it's time to focus on building up my own friendships. Most people I know who are my age are in couples, though, and I know that some women see me as a bit of a threat, not because they think I'm going to steal their husbands, but because I represent something awful that could happen to them (their h / p leaving). Some women have said pretty much 'there but for the grace of God go I' (and not in a particularly nice way). It's tough, isn't it?

My H is your H - just a bit more extreme.

So I have actually had a lot of practice being on my own.

Dinner parties, cocktails - I even go to balls on my own! (Shrugs). So I am really hoping that people won't notice, because he was never there anyway.

People are generally kind. Hopefully I will get to see him as a weight off my shoulders.

I think I am going to pre-empt this by telling people that it isn't catching, and that as I rather wish women who help men destroy their families were still stoned to death, their husbands and families are safe from me. (The thought of helping someone cheat really does make me go 'eeeeeeuw').

I've had a lot of practice too, Wellwobbly. H came to the minimum social occasions, for the minimum time.

I guess it's what Allafluttter says - couples prefer to socialise with other couples, and so my now being a single person puts me in a different, more problematic category, even though h wasn't ever that keen on, or involved in socialising anyway.