Advice on improving communication with Mum

[happynappies]

My Mum has always used an odd way of communicating, reflecting bizarre 'rules' from our family. For example, in days of old, if my Nan had asked her to buy something, she would offer my mum the money for it, and my Mum would say 'No' and refuse, slide the money back across the table for ages, and the 'winner' would be the one who secreted the money somewhere for the other to keep.

Dh is very 'black and white' and since we've been married we've had countless arguments trying to untangle this strange mode of communication where you don't actually say what you mean, so that in our family now we are open, honest and truthful. In fact, dh is very very literal, so it really is the opposite end of the scale.

We've got four young dcs, and I'm struggling. I had a difficult weekend this weekend, dh was working, and I spent much of the time in tears, and ranting at the children. Feeling really low, and remember having lots of advice in the past to ask for help, take a break etc. I took the children out to a party yesterday afternoon thinking getting out would be better than staying in, struggled on my own with them for about an hour, then admitted defeat and came home. My Mum rang this morning and said, 'we called yesterday, but you were out so you were obviously ok'. I'm 'supposed' to say - 'yes yes of course' to this. It would not be in keeping with family rules to say otherwise. I feel quite bitter that she spent the weekend dogsitting for my brother, and visiting my sister when I felt like I was really on my knees, but if I mentioned how hard it had been she'd tell me not to make her feel guilty!

I asked my dad to help out in a couple of weeks time, by taking dd to a choir competition one evening. It is at tea-time, so a difficult time for us with tea/bath/bed for the little ones, and as he is in a choir I thought he'd love the event itself, plus an opportunity to spend time with his grand-daughter. I felt pleased with myself that I'd been pro-active and organised, and got something arranged to help us all out, then a few days later my mum rang and said, 'would it be really terrible if your dad couldn't come to the choir concert?'. Not - 'sorry, we've mixed up the dates, he can't come' but putting the onus on me not to make her feel guilty. The correct answer is 'no, no problem. not at all' but obviously I feel like screaming. The reason is they've now booked a holiday. Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole-hill - of course they are entitled to go on holiday blah blah, but it is the way of discussing it that really gets me wound up. Everything is phrased in such an odd way that you know what you are supposed to say - "We're on our way out, I'm sure there's nothing you need from the shops...", "I've got a busy afternoon so I guess you'll be able to manage", "There's nothing I can do?".

I don't know how to tell her that I do need help (but emotional support is probably the thing I really need, rather than someone to fetch a loaf of bread or take a child to nursery etc) and within the context of this dysfunctional horrible way of communicating I'm just really struggling!! My sister has a small baby (her first) and my parents are leaping about trying to help her all the time, and although I've made my bed and need to lie on it because I've had four children, and obviously I don't begrudge her having help as it is such a shock having your first, I just wouldn't mind a little bit of support myself, but feel like a bitter, jealous sulky teenager for dwelling on it!! Any thoughts of experience with someone like this in your family?

That sounds really tricky - my parents have always had similar ways of 'non' communication; and I've battled with trying to play them at their own game. For example, could you turn the example with your dd's choir back on them with 'No, its fine, as long as you don't mind upsetting dd, she was really looking forward to dad being there'.

There comes a point though, where you sometimes have to just be straight with them. They probably think (or assume) that you are doing ok because you've always played by the rules. Tell them outright - yes, actually you do need some help, would really appreciate it if you could....Even if its get them to have the kids for an hour or so while you get some emotional support from your friends!

And use the kids as bribery! 'They love seeing you' etc

And you're not being sulky teenager, but you need to start telling them clearly what you want or need. I've started doing it recently, and laying the boundaries, and it really works!

Good luck x

"I don't know how to tell her that I do need help"

I think your parents are the wrong people to ask for the type of help you need. It's not that they don't see you are struggling or don't understand, I simply think they don't want to do it. 'You don't need me do you?' is designed to get the answer 'no'.

I have a friend who's DD has 4 DCs, she is approaching 70 and while she is a very active, hands-on granny and will happily take on one at a time, she freely tells me that having all four just takes too much out of her and she can't cope. Unlike your parents, however, she is the direct sort that will say 'I can't help you' to your face.

So my first though is 'be direct'. Straight questions and straight answers as far as possible. And my second thought is 'get someone more reliable to help'... might mean paying an au pair.... rather than keep expecting them to be something they're not.

I remember my mother coming to 'help' when I had my first baby. After insisting on a day out across town to visit a particular tourist trap on two buses in sleet she turned to me on the bus home and said, 'You're not too tired, are you?'

I could have screamed, I had a five-week-old newborn and was beyond exhausted. But of course the script was to say, 'No, I'm fine.' Which I ignored and said, 'I'm really tired, Mum.'

You have had the insight to realise that there is a script you're supposed to follow. But the next step could be to not follow it obediently. When you get that feeling of being manipulated into a preferred response, rebel!

I also agree with Cogito that you may need to lower your expectations. That kind of communication is maddening. it sounds hard though, and coming from a similar place you have my sympathies, it's crap.

I think lower expectations may be key. I've tried challenging the 'rules' but don't get very far. E.g. I asked my mum to help me while I took the three year old for a hearing test. She could have sat in the waiting room with the baby, or walked her up and down in the buggy or something, but despite knowing about the up-coming test, went to visit my sister instead. She asked how the test went, and rather than saying we managed fine, I said it was quite difficult because the baby was crying and I was doing my best to help dd with focusing on what she was being asked to do. The audiologist was not best pleased with me bringing my own 'noise source' into the sound-proofed test room! My mum said, "Oh don't say that, you make me feel guilty". I don't know where you go from that. You are sort of forced to then say, "Well, we got there... it was alright in the end" sort of thing.

They bought my sister a £400 pushchair - obviously never bought anything for us when we had our first. I find that kind of thing maddening. I find it hard when she is so understanding and positive etc towards my sister, but so 'hard' towards me. She said when I was trying to explain how difficult/tiring I find the nightshifts breastfeeding dd, 'So when are you going to knock it on the head then?'. I think her attitude is really puzzling, and I probably focus too much time and energy on it - but I don't really know how to communicate with her in a way that will keep her at arms length and stop her from causing me to get so wound up and upset. I know it is me that is getting wound-up and upset, she's not 'making me' but i don't know how to manage it myself better?! Glad to hear I'm not alone in experiencing this kind of thing though!