New separated man whose wife has now backtracked and is threatening my children

[straightbananas]

I got separated last year from my h. No-one else was involved. I am still married as we have not finalised divorce proceedings but we live in separate houses.

I met a new man at the beginning of the year. He is also still married but separated though had to live in the same house as his wife as they run a business together and had not finalised how the house/business was going to be divided. Coincidentally, I had met his wife last year at some point and she had admitted to a group of people that her relationship with her dh was a disaster and she could not wait to finally divorce. Other friends of theirs also reiterated this and how they were in the first stages of divorce but the financial settlement was complicated and on their facebook pages they did not even show themselves as married.

so new man hasn't seen anyone else since his wife and him had agreed to divorce but wanting to be honest with her, he has told his wife that he has found someone else. She has gone completely ballistic. Has started phoning the house at 1am, threatening me and the kids, she has been out in public completely slagging me off saying I am husband stealing whore and although she admits (to him) that they were going to get divorced anyway, publically she is now denying this.

What is worse is that they have a 14 yr old boy (I have 2 children too) and she has poisoned him against me and told him lies about what I am like. Whenever the man goes out now (even if it's not to see me and he doesn't see me that often as I have the kids full time), she keeps the child up until he comes home and then doesn't make him go to school the next day to punish the man. She also puts the boy in the car in the late hours to go and look for him and says to the boy 'oh your dad is out playing happy families with his new girlfriend and her children, how does that make you feel' and now the poor child has gone to his dad and says he never wants to speak to him again.

I am not sure what to do. Ultimately at the moment I am doing nothing. New man is distraught and says he will now leave but it means him leaving with absolutely nothing as the house is tied to the business and if he leaves it, the business will stay there too so it means him leaving without a penny to his name and no job prospects but he feels he has no choice now.

I could get her number blocked from my phone I think to stop her making threatening calls but I am v uneasy about her threatening me and the kids. New man had a key to our house which also 'suddenly' disappeared which makes me think she has taken it and is planning some sort of break in or confrontation! I could escalate all of this but I am not sure what the repercussions of that would be.

Honestly, I'd walk away from new man.

It's a new relationship, and while you may be in the first throes of love you haven't really invested emotionally and practically in it so will be able to get over it very quickly.

This man simply has too much baggage and won't be able to develop a new relationship without the old one interfering with it until he's fully divorced.

I'd change the locks, and tell the new guy to call when he gets this sorted properly. No way could you get me into a relationship with a man who still shares his home with his wife, no matter how distant he says they are. He could really have no intention of leaving her/the home at all.....

and Good Luck! If you get more threatening calls, call the police.

I'd walk away too.

In my extensive dating experience, steer clear of men who are still living with their ex's. It's just not worth the aggro.

Change your phone number and call the police if she threatens you again. Change your door lock too.

Change the locks, step away from him until he has sorted out this mess and is totally free to be the partner you deserve.

Don't let your kids be innocent victims in this drama. By the sounds of it, his wife seems to be getting her kicks being the loudly, publicly wronged woman.

IME, some women devote their lives to this role and you and your kids will be dragged into all sorts of silliness that frankly, you could probably do without.

Good luck!

thanks, I appreciate the advice. Sometimes you are so stuck into something, you can't see the wood for the trees! I am so busy at work and with my kids too that it's hard to have the emotional energy to deal with this all.

Yes I do like him an awful lot but I'm not that emotionally invested in it yet - can walk away and tell him to come back once he's sorted his shit out which I think must be the way to go, hard though it does seem!

Fuck that, get your locks changed immediately. Contact police for advice as well as she is threatening you.
As for bloke, sounds like too much hassle, I'd get rid. Sorry.

There seem to be a lot of 'conversations' going on here that you are believing as facts, even though you weren't around to hear them.

The one between him and his wife where they formally agreed to divorce.
The one where he told her he was seeing you.
The ones she has with her son.
The ones she has with your partner.

I'm not even sure you personally heard his ex wife 'admitting to a group of people' that her relationship was a disaster, but even that's a far cry from 'we've split up and are divorcing'.

There might just be an alternative set of conversations going on here that you know nothing about, so do keep an open mind about whether this man has been lying to both women.

Agree about changing the locks and calling a halt to things until he's living in his own place, but just be a bit more circumspect and curious about some of the conversations you currently believe to be facts. In a court of law, they would be heresay unless they were witnessed.

I did hear because i was there. Re the son, the son told his dad and she then repeated it in front of his dad. Yes, he may be lying to me but I doubt it (as I haven't put all the details on here) but I knew them before I got involved (long story) and they have genuinely started divorce proceedings.

But the details don't particularly matter and yes, it is horrifically more complicated when you still live together. I had to with ex-h for about 4 months and they were the worst 4 months of my life (once we had agreed to split and he needed to find somewhere to go and refused to go sooner).

I suspect what has happened here is that she was going through the motions of splitting up but the reality hadn't quite hit her - the revelation that he was seeing someone else has probably brought that home. I do feel bad as it was never my intention to see someone who was 'still' married if that makes sense and I hadn't realised that perhaps her heart wasn't in it.

Anyway, you live and learn!

I had same problem! My DP was in divorce process after his wife started proceedings but they were living in the same house while finances sorted. We started dating and she branded me the OW including with friends and at my kids school and started to harass us! Truth was she was very bitter and angry woman whose anger issues were the root of her marriage breakdown which she could not face up too and she could not stand the thought that her Ex was moving on AND moving up while she was left alone!
My advise is to hang in there as the divorce will get sorted and she will be history; Think carefully about dumping him as he may well not come back if you break it off with him now; after all would you want to date someone who dumped you while the chips are down?I know one of the reasons me and DP are so close today is I stood by him through this shit.
Meanwhile, call the police. She probably feels very justified but the police wont be impressed especially if this is affecting children and she has stolen a key and planning illegal entry to your home as this is criminal behaviour.
Good luck!

watervole - it's great it's worked out for you, but I think you are quite the exception.

In most cases, if a separated couple are still living together, they are simply too legally, financially and, most importantly, emotionally connected still to really commit to a new relationship.

If you want to base a decision on favourable odds, hanging around is not a wise move. But if you're single and there's no one else to consider, that's certainly a risk you may want to make. However, when DC are involved, I wouldn't be exposing them to that degree of risk for a man I barely knew when the odds are not in my favour.

Well that's true and it was not an easy ride for anyone. I am knew my DP for a number of years as friends and so I knew he was worth it and thought a good bet it would work out.
From a personal perspective though, lets face it, there are not many single, good men out there (at my age and I have, as some men call ie "baggage" or as I call them, my beloved children) and if you find one, its worth the wait and the hassle. Look at all the lonely divorces/ single mums are there on MN and in RL who never find anyone new? for all the bravado being alone is hard especially with children.
SB: btw DONT let him officially "move out" as it may affect his claim to the marital home in the divorce. might be better for his just to go stay somewhere else.
more importantly sounds awful for the boy. Is there anyone who can speak to his ExW to see if they can get her to calm down for his sake at least?

I'm wondering whether the son was ever told about the divorce before his dad started this relationship with you?

Even if he was, if you're a parent who's just told his child there's going to be a divorce, there's a lot to be said for not getting into a new relationship too quickly. It's difficult enough for children getting used to their parents divorcing and yet still living under the same roof, without having to face the prospect of one of their parents being with someone else. So while the ex-wife's alleged behaviour towards her son sounds horrendous, I don't think she is entirely to blame for the 14 year-old's distress and confusion.

I don't know Leavenheath, but it's possible. To be fair, I didn't tell my children till it was clear when ex-h was moving out as I thought it would be hard for them to understand the concept of us splitting up without the certainty of what the next steps were.

It is such a nightmare, especially financially, when you can't physically separate immediately because all you really want to do is get out but you can't! Adds to all the emotional tension sadly.

Do you mean you don't know whether his son was told they were divorcing before he learned his dad was in a relationship with someone else?

I agree with you that it's probably best for children to be told when a departure is going to be imminent, but if you're telling us that this 14 year old boy heard about your relationship before he even knew his parents were splitting up, or heard about all of this at the same time, that's really rotten for the poor kid.

I can well imagine it was a nightmare living with your ex towards the end. But whereas it seems you were sensitive and thoughtful to your own children's needs to get used to the end of their parents' relationship before getting involved elsewhere, this man was not. It's as though people like this expect children who haven't been in the loop to catch up with their thinking and to be as ready to embrace new relationships as quickly as the adults. Madness.