Please help me weigh my situation up

[runforest]

Basically just that really ... begining to look at the bigger picture and my rl friends/family I cant ask.

So would be really grateful of some input and impartial advice :)

Things I like in my relationship

Companionship
Feeling part of something
He is kind and a good man
He gives me freedom and trusts me
He welcomes me into his home- Lived together 2 1/2 years
I love him

Things I dont like in my relationship

He isn't much of a talker - conversations are limited to how was your day. Never goes any deeper or chat over dinner etc

He likes the same place on holiday everytime, says if it works why change it

He isnt interested in going out anywhere, or doing anything. Have asked but says all films at cinema look rubbish, he gets bored watching tv programmes and the tv gets constantly changed whether I'm watching anything or not.
I just pass him the remote when he walks in and he changes over whatever I was watching!

He has a dog ( I love dogs ) but says he gets on with them more than humans. And she never answers back or argues with him so she gets his unconditional love!

He eats really fast, I can spend hours cooking and its gone within 5mins and he doesnt talk while eating, so feel bit miffed to go to all the effort.

I'm sure it sounds like I'm moaning unfairly and I'm sure he could say so much about me.

I just want to have fun and laugh, see more of the world not just one place.

Is this a normal feeling when in a relationship and you look deeper into things than maybe you should ?

Besides being a bit disrespectful re the tv remote it just sounds like you might not be that compatible?

Be more assertive when it comes to holidays and book somewhere different yourself!
Why don't you take the dog for a walk together, you can chat then without any distractions.

Your list of dislikes looks bigger than the list of likes

He sounds a right bore

If he doesn't talk to you and displays a sense of entitlement over what you watch on TV, what exactly are these kindnesses you talk about and where is the companionship?

Feeling part of a relationships you would have with anyone - it's not specific to him. Similarly, allowing you freedom and trust should be prerequisites, not considered bonuses. Again, there is nothing specific to him that makes you sound in love.

Are you sure you're not just scared of being alone rather than actually being in love?

I'm just coming to terms with being unable to 'connect' with my EXP. I've struggled to admit it to myself in the past. I think I was worried that in hoping for a deep connection, I was making myself seem superior to him in some way- which was not my intention.

We couldn't really really talk- like I do with other friends.

It was not the reason that we split up, but now that we have I can kind of admit it IYSWIM.

So OP I think I do understand where you are coming from, and I think it can be a problem for some people.

I found this a bit telling:
"He welcomes me into his home- Lived together 2 1/2 years"
Does it still feel like his home to you?

And why do you pass him the remote when he walks into the room?

The food issue I think is on you. Why do you spend hours (!) cooking if you know he'll eat it anyway. Either you do it for you or don't bother with the hassle.

And what does he do that makes you describe him as kind and good?

I agree with others that you don't sound very compatible.
He should be with someone who doesn't like to talk, goes on holiday to the same place every year, can't be bothered about cooking.

Both my husband and I eat really fast. I think it's because we're from erm, differently mannered working class backgrounds.

Not being able to talk isn't good and I had an ex who did that remote thing. I LTB.

I agree with other posters that the remote thing is a bit concerning. I can forgive the quietness as some people are just introverted, but the entitled behaviour is not good. What does he say when you try to discuss these issues? If he is unwilling to compromise ( every other year go the the holiday destination he likes and different ones in between, for example) then there really isn't much going for the relationship.

Is your partner on the autistic spectrum (? Aspergers)Things in your post that make me wonder:

He isn't much of a talker - conversations are limited to how was your day. Never goes any deeper or chat over dinner etc
People on the spectrum are less likely to pick up on cues from others that deeper conversation is wanted and they are less likely to be able to articulate their own feelings (or indeed understand them). You could try " I'd really like to chat about x for 15 minutes while we eat our meal" and see how he responds

He likes the same place on holiday everytime, says if it works why change it
Someone on the spectrum might genuinely not understand why anyone might want to go to a new place. Also new experiences/situations can be genuinely anxiety-making for someone with ASD so choosing somewhere familiar would be more relaxing and holiday-ish for them. Is there a way that he could gradually familiarise himself with the thought of going to a new place without it being so daunting.

He isnt interested in going out anywhere, or doing anything. Have asked but says all films at cinema look rubbish, he gets bored watching tv programmes and the tv gets constantly changed whether I'm watching anything or not.
I just pass him the remote when he walks in and he changes over whatever I was watching!
People on the autistic spectrum may have difficulty interpreting drama (fiction) and genuinely not get why it can be interesting and fulfilling for others. They might also not get how someone else might be really into a programme and how switching over could be really frustrating. Have you talked to him about his remote control flipping and how it is frustrating for you? You could try saying specifically "between time x and time y, I would really like to watch programme z without turning over" and see what happens.

He has a dog ( I love dogs ) but says he gets on with them more than humans. And she never answers back or argues with him so she gets his unconditional love!
Many people with ASD would say this about animals. see this about Temple Grandin

He eats really fast, I can spend hours cooking and its gone within 5mins and he doesnt talk while eating, so feel bit miffed to go to all the effort.
People on the autistic spectrum can have sensory issues that affect how they experience food and eating. It may be a totally "fuel stoking" process for them without much understanding of the sensory pleasure others get from eating. They might also totally fail to understand the use of meal-times as a way of socialising.

Try googling ASD symptoms in adults and see if it fits?

he sounds fine to me; not perfect but then who is? some of your comments sounds petty (speed of eating???) and mean tbh
but if you don't like him then maybe you just aren't compatible and you need to move on? no need to be mean and run him down before doing so. just not for you...

I'm not sure I could cope with not talking about anything other than how your days were. The other things you list sound more like incompatibility in terms of what you both like to do, but I don't know how I could have a relationship with someone without open communication, without being able to just chat away with the other person sharing your thoughts and feelings with each other.

It depends on whether you want A Partner Who Isn't Any Trouble, or to feel loved and cherished in your home relationship.

Maybe explore this a little bit more? To begin: how do you feel when you walk up to meet him, and/or hear his key in the door?

Regardless of anything else, i think you should put your foot down over the channel-changing and stop cooking divine meals - or invite other people round to share them.

As far as the remote control goes I'm pretty sure that if someone passed me the remote as soon as I entered the room I'd assume that they weren't watching anything and I could change over if I wanted to. Perhaps a little more communication is required. Or just LTB, my husband's a channel flicker and it winds me up no end.