Toxic sister and a milestone approaching for mum

[EagleRiderDirk]

My sister's evil streak made itself really apparent when I got pregnant with DD. She was extremely jealous and made my mother's life hell whenever my mother would express her joy at there being a grandchild on the way, whilst simultaneously ignoring my existence. DD was born and ended up in NICU, she visited and made comments how she was disappointed DD wasn't ugly and you could see her joy that mum hadn't held DD.

Almost as soon as DD came out of NICU my mum got ill and ended up in hospital herself. My mum declared she didn't want my post c-section self or our freshly out of NICU DD in the hospital (I don't drive and public transport at that time wasn't an option, so it would have had to be me, OH and DD going).

I did visit my mother in the end under immense pressure from my sister because I hope it would stop her being so nasty. My mother was upset I was there, and further upset she could see of hold DD (ward said no access for DD). Then I had to field my father having a go for me putting myself and DD at risk.

And then my sister went nuts. My dad couldn't really cope with the stress so she told him she'd keep me updated, then didn't tell me what was going on, screamed abuse at me because I wasn't visiting regularly, and said some awful things about how my DD had ruined everything just by being alive and far more. And added off with she doesn't regret a thing about what she said or did. Don't get me wrong, when she went off on one about DD I said some pretty choice things about her myself, I had a big role in the final argument so I'm not totally innocent although I was the provoked party (my only defence).

In the end, I cut her out. I haven't spoken to her for over 2 years. I appreciate that she was probably stressed but there was no need to say what she said about my DD, especially as the DD bashing started before my mother's illness and before she was born.

Several months later I discovered my mum had been so ill they'd been called in to say their final goodbyes. I was never told (mum told me quite a while later). The pressure I was under from my family to forgive my sister stopped when mum saw me break apart that I may not have gotten to say goodbye and that I genuinely had no clue. It all came out that whilst I was leaving mum alone my sister had been whispering in her ear a load of crap about things I was saying and doing on facebook (which thankfully I'm friends with a few of my mum's friends and they've backed me up), and of course has never admitted to saying anything about me or DD.

I know I made the right choice cutting my sister out. She's also voiced to mutual friends that she's upset because she was hoping my parents would cut me and DD out of the family and she can't stand the fact there's loads of photos of my DCs everywhere in their house (DS came along later). I still can't believe that during my mum's illness she tried to engineer that.

My mum gets it, as she doesn't talk to some of her family, but I feel so bad for her. I can never forgive my sister ever. I have told my parents I'd permit to even being in the same room as her if she apologised for the things she said about DD, but of course in her world she never said anything. We've never even had it out about the fact she happily denied me the right to say goodbye to my mum.

Mum has a milestone birthday coming and all she wants is her family around a table having a meal. I feel so bad because this isn't my mum's fault.

Sorry for the uber long story - didn't want to be drip feeding.

Should I suck it up for one day, whilst knowing the day will be horrible because of the tensions? Or should I try to give my mum a special day with the DCs separately?

I'd go AND do something on your own with your mum later on. I would doubt your sly sister would say anything in public. She sounds like a coward. If she does try anything, challenge her publicly and she will back off.

Your sister clearly has jealousy issues. You're giving her way too much power.

As hard as it is for you, if you could bear it for one meal, you should. It would probably be such a huge thing for your mother to have all her family around her and if you could grit you teeth and get through it without it descending into a row I think you should.

And if you don't, it will just give your sister more ammunition against you. Good luck, she sounds like a barrel of laughs

Could you go but make sure that you are not sitting near her or alone with her at any point.

I am giving her too much power, I know. However she is my parent's baby (at over 30) and they sort of let her get away with anything, plus she's been so obnoxious to them they'd rather upset me than her. This is the first time I've put my foot down totally with them, and that's only because it involved DD. I made it clear that I don't want my kids seeing this behaviour as being appropriate in an adult, our gran was the same and this is where my sister has learned it from.

The one thing I have in my favour is that my sister has said no way to it, whereas I haven't ruled it out totally with them. My parents know I'm more likely to relent than her (hence why I'm feeling guilty now), so if I did say ok if you want I'll do one meal then they'll try to twist her hand. But I've also pointed out that an evening meal for us isn't possible (they want the kids there and they're too young for an evening meal, DD will misbehave and DS isn't one for just going to sleep anywhere and will scream the place down), and that has sort of been taken as a good enough reason to not all have a meal.

I'm probably making a bigger thing of it than there is. Its something that's been mentioned once by each of my parents then dropped. And tbh my sister has a major habit of not bothering with my mum's birthday at all, so I'm probably feeling a bit protective of mum and her milestone.

where sadly no, it would be the parents, my lot and her and possibly her partner. nowhere to hide. If it were a large occasion then I'd just stay the other side of the room from her and be nothing more than civil if needed!

Your mother knows what your sister has done, your sister's tricks didn't split you. Go to this event for your mother's sake. Prepare your mum for the possibility that if your sister pushes you to your limit you'll leave.

There's a faint chance that your sister may regret what was said at the time and in the following months. She may lack the grace to apologise or openly admit she was out of order during that very stressful time, which frankly she added to, but it could be a truce. Avoiding her, you will never know. If she is back to her old tricks you can at least know you have done all you can and your parents should accept that is how you feel.

Hold your own celebration for your mum, separately.

Sorry am so slow typing, just read your earlier post. If you feel you're onto a hiding to nothing and she is still hostile, then your parents need to scale down their hopes and expectations, and accept you and your sister are not likely to reconnect.

Don't worry donkeys I'm forever doing that myself. She is a very hostile character and if my gran's behaviour is anything to go by, my sister will never improve.

I have so many issues surrounding the events I'm more likely to burst into floods of tears than anger. I think I'd be better off putting my stock into therapy.