help me achieve happiness in myself and family.......TIA x

[devientenigma]

I have recently told my family I hate them. For years I have told them I'm not happy but nothing ever changes. I have changed my perspectives and expectations so much I don't think I can change them anymore. Now I know we live in a dysfunctional, not normal family/life, and when people find out the norm is 'it's to be expected' but surely even us and me especially can be happier and feel like I'm getting something from my family and life.

When you say 'family' do you mean your parents/siblings or your partner/kids? Or everyone?

Sorry if that's a dim question

partner/kids

Yout have told your children that you hate them?

Iv'e told them I hate what they do and how they do it and have give advice where possible but they never change, just like there dad. Iv'e said I hate this family as a family, individually things are fine.

How old are the children? How long have you felt this way about DH? How does he respond? What do they do to make you feel you hate them?

I just feel like i'm in the middle of a battlefield, loosing too many battles. Four of the children have flew the nest and have thier own agendas, 2 of those are special needs. I feel we don't see them enough. Then we have a 16 year old who has ADHD and ODD and a 12 year old who is challenging and complex, down syndrom/autism/pathological demand avoidance syndrome with all associated medical and sensory, heart etc. He is very aggressive and hard work. He refuses to leave the house, is not getting any support and has been stuck at home for over 3 year. DH I feel for some reason he wants to change but can't, kind of can't help himself.

Sounds like you have a really hard job with your DC. Does your DH appreciate this or realise how hard it is? Do you think, given the issues with your DC, your expectations are unrealistic? Things are always going to be challenging with children with ADHD/autism etc. Do you think you might be depressed? It sounds like you're in a really tricky place and have alot to deal with and feel overcome with everything. FWIW I think you need to take time out for yourself (I don't mean LTB, I mean some me time) and feel happy in yourself before you deal with your situation.

That all sounds a bit poncy and like I'm a know it all. Don't mean it to come across like that, it just seems like you can't deal ATM in your current situation and given it doesn't look like your family will change maybe doing what you can to be happy yourself will give you a different attitude on how you see things.

I think he does realize although he doesn't get he has a break going to work, where I am still stuck at home with DS. I don't think my expectations are unrealistic, however I do think a little more could be done from their pov. I wouldn't say I was depressed but I do have highs and lows. I know I am coming out of a low now. Saturday was hot and sunny, I didn't get out at all as DH was fixing his car at his dads all day and someone had to look after DS. It did annoy me how he couldn't do the car less over 2 days, twice when he phoned to see if everything was ok I told him to pack in and come home. Whats LTB?

'LTB' is shorthand for 'leave the bastard'. I agree with much of the above that what's missing from your life is some personal time for relaxation, hobbies, friends and all the other things that keep us sane. Plus it sounds like you're very much taken for granted, probably to the point of being taken advantage of.

If you keep telling your DH that you need support and you're not getting it then (back to the 'LTB' theme) it may be that you're better off splitting up because at least the he'd be bound by some court to take care of the DCs on a regular basis

Agree with cogito . FWIW when I was on maternity leave so much of what you say rings true to me. I need some life away from home and looking after DD (even if it is working ). If I had to be a SAHM especially to children with additional needs I would find it too much. Everyone needs a break. Your DH should realise this, but, since he doesn't, maybe next time get DH to take your DS with him to his dads to help fix the car. he might not help but would the DSs' GDad help look after him? Even if your DH got nothing done on the car it would have made him realise how hard it is for you do do anything.