Now I'm on my own.....

[Milly22]

After being with STBXH for 17 years and two children (12 & 9) we've called it a day and after a couple of years of being unhappy and being the one that moved out due to his stubbornness (Solicitors sorting financial stuff out) a month ago, I'm trying to move on and finding hard to pick myself up and feeling like hiding myself away from the rest of the world, most friends married and either feeling left out or nobody seems to understand the strange grief I'm going through. I feel as if my life will never be a happy one again and at 41 just fearful of what to expect for the future and loneliness. Any words of wisdom from somebody who's been there?

Focus on what you like about being single, maybe you enjoy the quiet time you get when the kids stay at his? Or maybe he always hogged the remote? Pissed on the toilet seat?

Agree make a list of the positives

You can parent the way you feel best
Watch what you want on tv
Eat what you feel like
When you feel like it

I eat when I have the children otherwise I just skip and can't be bothered.

Milly, i really didn't want to read & run.
It will get better. Its early days, of a life changing event. Its going to be hard but you know your in a better place now. You need to be kind to yourself & build yourself the life you deserve.

Best of luck!

Thanks, just scared of the unknown but still better than spending the rest of my life miserable with the wrong person.

I can empathise. Even though its what I wanted I still feel grief and alone in a strange world of couples. People are awkward around me . Friends have dropped away and it's hard o meet new people who only know me as single

I say give it time, it's still early days.

Me and stbxh split just after Xmas but we still live under the same roof (thank god he works nights). Our house has sold and I move into my own place with 2 DS's in 4 weeks time.

Over the past 6 months I've gone through so many emotions, sadness, anger, regret, more anger, total non-belief that it was happening to me and so on, and have had experiences of doubting that splitting was the right thing (even if the bastard did treat me like crap).

Within the last couple of months I've been very much looking forward to my new start, especially as I've never lived on my own (the boys will be living with me though), having my bedroom being 'my' bedroom, eating what I want to eat, watching trashy telly without huffs and puffs in the background, leaving bits and bobs lying around (he was very OCD and would throw things away of mine and the boys if he deemed them making a mess) ooh and trumping loudly to my hearts content

Start thinking about what will be nice to experience without him and what you wanted to do but didn't with stbxh. There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel.

Its a funny feeling to begin with give it a few months and you will start to get your self together Think about what you want go back to work make a change? What ever works for you.I ate far to much toast went out properly for the first time last week just over a year later.Only you know when you're ready to move on.Word of caution watch out for friends who want you to go out get pissed and shag around.You need to sort yourself out first.Yes sometimes you might get lonely and angry and sad but in the end you will be a happier person.Try to focus on what you gain by being alone not on what you feel you lost x

Ohh yes suddenly I'm viewed as a bit of a threat and that hurts Irecently lost the toast weight and sorted my appearance out a bit.My husband left me my moral compass has nt changed.I have no intention of shagging any of my friends or acquaintances husbands or partners I would nt married and I won t single ffs

Lozislovely, You've just written almost exactly what I'm feeling and what I went through with STBXH except he couldn't be bothered to do much housework, always went out without me and moaning that I wasn't giving him enough sex and spending too much money blah blah..... I'm having a good day today, I'm sharing custody and the dc are with me until the weekend even though I pick them up from school everyday whether their with me or not so I still spend time with them every day. Sandiy, I agree with you totally, since being on my own I've discovered who my friends are and the married ones really don't understand what he means to separate at all. A few have even started avoiding me. As for dating, not really interested but do usually wonder what it would be like to have a one off shag with a handsome stranger while I haven't got the children. No strings or demands and no emotions and thank you very much. God, I must have been a bored housewife! Maybe just a fantasy .

I am too so not interested in dating but a shag with a hunk might be nice A friend actually asked me a while back if I was dating again and I was a bit taken aback tbh, there's no way I'm jumping in again for a while as I want to find 'me' and get over the past 20 years.

God I've been crap with money which stbxh loves to harp on about and the more I think about it, the more I think that the reason I've been like that is to just try and give the boys everything (within reason) as stbxh would always go on about how he didn't have this/that/the other as a child (neither did I) but why the hell should that have an impact on them.

I've come to realise that I've lost many a year making excuses for his behaviour because I 'believed' it was down to his upbringing/beliefs to realising that none of that is my fault and the fucker can fuck off

It was always 'his way or no way' with mine and he told me for months that he's leave me if I 'didn't get on board'....blah blah. In the end I asked him to leave our home and he wouldn't so I did. Kept on saying that I'd never find anybody who loved me like he does (funny way of showing it ). Anyway, I packed my bags and the children are mainly with me and we're being amicable while the financial stuff is being sorted out through solicitors. I really don't think he thought I'd leave and he's already asked me not to sell my rings in case we get back together , somehow I don't think so. At least I look forward to coming home to peace and non confrontational atmosphere. Just need the positive attitude of shifting the comfort eating pounds gained in the last couple of months and fit back into my size 10/12, 10 is wishful thinking probably . Oh well. got myself out of the gutter now, just need to clean the crap off now and start again. Anyway, was a good day today.

And this next day will be a good one too. Its the next step in your new life. Be gentle with yourself - you're doing well.

" just scared of the unknown "

I found what helped a lot was to get back in control of my own future. When I was married I had this mental 'road-map' stretching out in front of me which culminated in the metaphorical white-haired old couple, holding hands on the porch seat in the sunshine. When it ended, the road to the white-haired old couple seemed to be dramatically cut off with a striped barrier and a rock-slide and instead I was being sent down a precarious diversion with big signs saying 'here be dragons'.

So if you're scared of the 'dragons' make consistent and persistent efforts to manage your new road-map. If that means getting fitter and slimmer, that could be part of your goals. Booking things ahead of time. Making a few plans. Do new things. Anything, small or large, that keeps you looking forward not backward. Good luck

Just separating from h now. Been here before, then got back together (never again). I agree with cog, plan lots of lovely things for the new and improved future.

What screwed me up last time was listening to h's bullshit. Keep reminding yourself how awful he was, it is too easy to forget when things get hard. I'm going to counselling, and am telling one friend what he did, so I can't forget again!

Re wanting to hide away from the world - I know the feeling, but why hide? Are you feeling guilty or ashamed or gossiped about or something? You've done nothing wrong.

Life will be happy again, you can make it happy.

And start eating properly! Skipping meals is not going to help you create that happy life.

Second good day in a row and haven't burst into tears for a whole week which is a first this year, might not sound like much but feels like a major achievement for me. Got a night out next week and intend to glam up for the first time in ages and getting my hair cut and put a pair of heels on and stumble home later, no need to worry about waking anybody up. Looked into wearing contact lenses again and found an army type training session group in the local park. I've organised my paperwork, house and made sure the children are fed, watered, happy and mostly loved and now getting myself back on track. Done a shopping list for a healthy shop and cut out my coupon from Reveal magazine this week to get back to my Slimming World Group. Aiming to be a 'mature' sexy goddess by Christmas . Thank you ladies for all your encouraging comments .