a bit lost and not sure if it was a good idea

[turbochildren]

In short, two and a bit months ago my xp tried to strangle me in the stairs (I was carrying our youngest) and as I told my family they phoned the police. He got arrested and taken away from the house with bail conditions etc. He first pleaded not guilty, and his mom and aunt were being very minimising about it all. They were not happy about the charges against him, then hassled about the children and made it out that I was causing grief and bereavement by making him go through solicitors and contact centres to see the children. (this is after years of him bullying all of us, and this was the 4th time he took a stranglehold on me, amongst other things.)
After a pause, he changed his plea to guilty. Some bail conditions were changed, and xmil jumped on the phone to demand to see the children. I gave in for her to see them. (I always felt family connections were important.)
Then she started messing about with the contact arrangements for the children and their dad (her son). I had given in on contact centre, and on her supervising instead of neutral person (he finagled his way into a sure start centre...) and she got really pushy on him seeing them in park or library. I then tried to explain why not, giving examples of his behaviour. She then (since she knew about some of it from last year) berated me for my tone in my emails, saying what I wrote was conflicting, I was condescending, facetious and bullying her, because I told her to stop being pushy and controlling. Finally, after the children had seen him 2 time she started pushing again, bringing that he might go to prison and then what. I was so agitated, at this point I was relieved to try to have direct contact with xp. It went against all professional advice, and my family's advice. I just thought, at least I know how manipulating he can be. Turned out I fell for his lies again, and felt sorry for him and took children to park so he could see them the day before his sentencing, thus nearly ruining getting a restraining order against him. My mom luckily came from my homecountry to supervise, but it was just luck. Now I have done some researching about strangling in dv cases. It was just a factsheet I compiled for me, but I angrily emailed to xmil. Not sure what I wanted to achieve, especially as I don't want any contact with them.
Not sure what I want to achieve writing it here either. Just trying to make sense of it all.

Whoa you know what, you need to disengage. Cut those threads. Have no contact at all with any of them. Anything legally required can be done at a contact centre with a neutral person present. Step away from the madness and give yourself time to come to terms with what's happened and heal a bit.

You're actively involved in this and there's a lot of text in what you posted which roughly says 'and then I found this had happened'. Well no. Take responsibility and step away from the toxic relationships. It's doing no good.

Stay strong and take care of yourself. I wish you all the best.

Yes, the take the responsibility to step away, that is what I must do. my mum has impressed it on me, and I have impressed it on myself too. Then I sort of flail. very pissed of with myself for the flailing bit.

These people sound absolutely awful - my guess is you 'flail' because you are a decent person and cannot quite believe that others would behave abysmally so give them the benefit of the doubt thereby letting them continue.

Don't be hard on yourself, disengage

I have to agree here. Neither the xp or his mother are going to have your (or your children's) best interest at heart. They will only make things worse if you allow them to control things.

Go through the contact centre, make sure there is a neutral person there. Do not allow them to sway you or push you around. It IS difficult sometimes, but in the long run it will cause much less stress for you and your children.

At the end of the day no-one can make you do something you don't want to do. Just say no to the pair of them. It sounds like its in your children's best interests for you to take the bull by the horns on this one.

thanks for answers, it's just what I need to hear and I've had a stern chat with myself on staying strong and not starting to think that they are reasonable humanbeings. It really is give the little finger and they snap of your head.
The children get so upset, xp and xmil lie and make promises that are not possible, so I have to tell the children no. The midlle child always wets the bed after, and they both feel ill and do not want to go to school etc. In one way it was lucky my mother saw it too this time, so it is not me being oversensitive or any such thing.
I want to just scream f off to them, but of course they would then point out how easily I lose my temper. Xp sensed that I was angry and as he is now so bloody peaceful and zen and have forgiven himself, he is at a loss as to why I have all these anger issues.
I was so relieved the restraining order was ok. I had such nightmares he'd be back and refusing to go, I'd wake up up convinced he was at the door, or next to me.
so mantra will be disengage.

You've been through so much. Maybe you could do with talking about it with someone supportive and objective, to work through your anger and all the feelings? Could you access counselling? No-one should have to work through this stuff by themselves. Stay strong x

Been there done that, disengage, disengage, disengage. My Ex was always zen when third parties were present and I was left looking like the raving lunatic.

Do not have any direct contact with any of them and even then it has to be in the written form. It is very sad when they put their own toxic agendas before the welfare of your children but they have and they will. Its a power play and what will drive them mad is strong boundaries that will not be shifted by their game playing and bullying.

Its not easy, three years on and I'm still having to deal with my idiot ex but even though it gets a little tiring having to repeat where the boundaries are, it does become easier.

I would really recommend you get some support for you and your children. I and my DD are very fortunate to have the support of a therapist and child psychologist who helped me disengage is helping me to support my DD

DD has not seen her father in two years because he doesn't want to/ or can't be arsed to go down the contact centre route (I will not sanction unsupervised contact until DD is comfortable). It is unfortunate that she does't have better contact with her paternal family but my boundaries are there for her emotional and physical wellbeing.

I will disengage, it's something that must happen to protect the children. I wrote down what he used to do and re-read it and it's not good. Just reading about other people going through similar things, it's very eerie as I can see it clearly when it comes to others, and still slip slowly back into his mindgames.
I want him to consent to me leaving the country and go home with my children. Looks like it may have to go through the courts, because I can't budge an inch, it's no give and take to be done here, because the boys will bear the brunt then.
boundaries have been trampled all over, so I'll put them back again.