Help I need some advice :(

[merlinarthur]

I'm just so low...I've got myself in a right rut and I just don't know where or what I should be doing for the best...

It's a long one.... I left my husband last summer after 5 years of marriage... (No kids) It was the hardest decision of my life but I just couldn't carry on... He had become obsessed with the gym in the last year of marriage and had almost become obsessive over eating/dieting and the gym.. I tried to be supportive and even went to gym sessions with him (which is just not me) in the end because of all the weird diets he became nasty..name calling, dictating what I should and shouldn't eat... Etc... I'd had enough..

At the same time I became friendly with a younger colleague at work... In hind sight this wasn't a wise move... But at the time I was so low and appreciated the kindness and support...

So I moved to the town where I work... My family objected and for many months and was the black sheep of the family...

I tried counselling with the husband but even the counsellor said it was pointless... We'd end up just blaming each other... I've tried to stay on talking terms with him and we can at least have a civil convo now. We have been out a couple of times but still to this day he makes hurtful comments which I just don't say anything to and just let them go...

Anyway a few months on I started a relationship with my friend from work but after a few months things started to go pear shape... We live very close to one another, work together and share a lift together every day... There has not been one day that we havent been in contact since last June...After various issues he said he just wanted to be friends but wants to be there for me... We have continued to be friends and spend most nights together... All our friends and work colleagues think there is something going on between us as we just act like a couple... We play fight, and tease each other and all the things that couples do... Although then he'll go through phases of doing silly things and hurtful things so he's not an angel either...

I really would like there to be something between us but because I'm not divorced (although he's not actually said) he won't commit to me... He hasn't had another girlfriend since we met....

But he just won't commit...

Combined with all that I'm struggling with work... A take over has meant processes have changed and work load has trebled and quite frankly I'm struggling to focus on anything....

It's all just one big mess... I'm just so low and struggling to keep going...

Your boundaries are all fucked up, my lovely.

Stop seeing your ex-husband, for a start. You don't have to and you don't need to and there's no point. So just stop. If he questions it, say seeing him is making it harder for you to move on. And don't apologise. Just stop contact.

The current bloke is just a headfuck, sorry. Again, a waste of time. You need to focus on being alone for a bit - facing up to the reality of that. Hard I know, but introduce some clarity into your life.

Once you have cut out the nightmare men who are messing up your equilibrium and sapping your energies you will have much more of a handle on work issues.

Sorry you are feeling low. The pointless men are making you feel low. It may feel like a wrench, and you may fear loneliness, but cutting contact with both is the only way forwards towards the happy healthy life you want.

When things are complicated you need to strip out the complications.
You need to cut contact with them both, neither are good for you.
Good luck x

agree with the above. it's good advice.

lemon has just said it all.

Do you have to lift share? Could that stop?

I think you need to do what the above two posters have suggested and try to cut contact with both and reestablish who you are without either of them, a scary prospect but its what ou should do.

I appreciate cutting contact with the bloke at work will be hard but it is a head fuck and it won't end well. At least take a giant step back and keep him at arms length.

Thank you for your advice folks.

I've had a shocking 12 months. I fell and broke my shoulder joint in 3 places (and had it pinned) and had to have my finger sown back on which although is still attached doesn't work properly anymore. Following that I am still under going physio and am unable to drive due to limited movement in my shoulder.

As for avoiding man #2 we work in an office of 4 so it would be virtually impossible to avoid each other.

*Although then he'll go through phases of doing silly things and hurtful things so he's not an angel either...

I really would like there to be something between us but because I'm not divorced (although he's not actually said) he won't commit to me.*

You're still dealing with an ex that is not nice to you, why would you want to have another relationship with someone who you admit that even now is not nice to you? Does the expression "out of the frying pan, into the fire" mean anything to you? Please rethink this.

Detach from them both. Acquaintances only. Make the boundaries very very clear.

Oh my god OP, that sounds awful, you poor thing Hope the physio helps and you begin to feel more comfortable soon.

Tough about man #2 being in such close proximity. I think the best thing to do is to stop seeing him outside work completely, organise different car arrangements if you can, and fortify some emotional armour for yourself.

Some days you will still want to be close to him whilst you're getting used to it (I've experienced the same in a work environment with a bloke I'd been sort-of seeing) but it will pass.

I found acknowledging it to myself helpful: 'I feel like approaching him again. But I am not going to.' And I didn't. That was it. My attraction to him passed quicker than I had imagined. Making a decision and sticking to it is hard, but it works.

If he questions why you are less available and are avoiding him, just say you found it confusing being close to him, are still reeling from your divorce, and need to put up some boundaries for yourself. And be polite, friendly, professional etc.

I've tried to distance myself in the past from #2 and its increasingly harder... I do miss him when he's not around...and I become unhappier not being with him... I feel so pathetic because ordinarily I am a strong and professional woman...

Every day I get a glimmer that there is more than friends from him.... Silly little things... Just half an hour ago He bought his drink with my name on it...

I think my brain is on strike and I get cross at myself for being so pathetic...

The only signal that will matter from him is if he asks to speak to you and then says, "Actually merlin I do want to be in a relationship with you. Will you have me back? Please?"

And even then I'd think very hard about whether to take him up on it.

You have to face the fact that he doesn't really want you. Little gestures and using you as a fallback chum to assuage loneliness while he is still single mean the opposite of what you want.

The modus operandi of the ambivalent man is to behave in ways that leave a trail of crumbs to nowhere. You'll be obsessively following them and trying to kid yourself they're leading somewhere. But they're not.

I know it's hard and you've had such a shit time recently that you're probably longing for comfort right now. You're not pathetic, you're only human and you have had a hard time. But either you take a new stance on man #2 or you'll just continue to feel awful and strung along and needy and out of control.

It'll go along like this as long as you allow it to. I hope you find the strength to affect a big perceptual shift where he is concerned and start protecting yourself.

It's about respecting yourself, too. Parent yourself here. Place yourself out of harms way, emotionally.

Hi! First of all, well done for leaving your marriage. Why did your family object to your moving to the town where you work? It sounds very hard to describe you as the 'black sheep' because of this.

I hope your shoulder is improving. How long before you can travel to work independently?

Man # 2 sounds very emotionally unavailable. Has he been in a LTR before? Has he many friends?

Like Lemon says, the change has to come from within you. You need to believe with every cell in your body, you are worth so much more than the way you are being treated.

Thank you all for your support. It's made me feel better just being able to talk about it.

My parents objected to me leaving my husband and are quite old fashioned... I was told its not what we do... They have continued to maintain contact with my ex... And I think deep down they are hoping for a reconciliation...

As for #2 he's never been in a long term relationship before. He does I think have commitment issues...

I keep hoping that time will improve things... And we will go through phases of getting very close then he'll back off...

But as you say I can't keep doing this...

You're right, you can't. Because he won't ever suddenly and miraculously become the man who loves you and is there for you. He'll only ever be the man who teases you with suggested affection and then backs off. It's cyclical. Disengage.

Your parents obviously have no sense of boundaries, very difficult for you. Just maintain your stance and wait them out. It's so inappropriate of them to continue to see him

You're surrounded by people who aren't behaving well. But you can treat yourself well by being strong about what you need to do. You can make the difference to your own life. These others don't have to be the ones in charge of your emotional experience of yourself.