Would you confront about this?

[sequinsanddiamonds]

I have a very complicated relationship with my Mum. She was very physically, verbally and emotionally abusive as I was growing up and my overwhelming feeling towards her was fear. She regularly told me she wished she had "got rid" of me and "flushed me down the toilet".

As I have got older I have stood up for myself more and we reached a bit of an even keel, where we had a good relationship and she was supportive and helped me out quite a bit, with my dc and just generally being ok, there was the odd slip where it seemed she was reverting to type but I would usually be able to get things back to normal again.

One thing I cannot forget though is this. My Mum told me from quite a young age, I was about 10 that she had been sexually abused as a child by her Dad . This would usually come out in the course of one of her meltdowns when I had been "naughty" and obviously it was very inappropriate for her to tell me this stuff but it was obviously a huge burden for her.

Anyway, when I was even younger than that, my Mum used to occasionally leave me with my Grandad (her Dad) while she went shopping sometimes for whole afternoons and I remember that she would make me promise to stay outside in the garden, where he was working and not go into the house with him. I would have been between the ages of 5 and 9 when these occasions happened. I did used to go into the house with him but nothing ever happened. What I cannot get my head round though is the fact that she had been abused by this man but would leave me with him as a young child and also make me responsible for my own safety by telling me not to go into the house with him, even if he told me to.

Can I ask for your thoughts on this please? I find the whole thing very confusing and I cannot get my head round it, its often on my mind. She presents herself as the perfect mother now and its like everything else never happened. I don't really know where to go with this but I feel like I don't like her very much at all which is a head mess when she is performing as the good mother now. Sorry this is so long.

You're confused!! I think your DM is much more confused!!! Very weird behaviour and I think you need a psychologist to explain this. She is seriously damaged by the abuse I think and putting you at risk is awful.
But you could try discussing it with your GP maybe who could perhaps put you in touch with someone who can explain it.

My thoughts are that this is just more evidence that she was a truly rotten mother. Leaving you with a grandfather she knew to be abusive while she went shopping was completely irresponsible. She might as well left you with a vicious dog and a instructions to give it a choc-drop from time to time so that it didn't maul you ... I'm afraid I don't find it confusing, just an extension of the other selfish, neglectful behaviour you already mentioned. She didn't want you and she didn't care.

BTW... 'would you confront?' To get it off your chest and express your anger, yes. To get her to admit she was a rotten mother or apologise, probably a waste of breath.

What she did was dee

Sorry - damn phone!

She was deeply irresponsible. She's obviously mellowed but I think it's rich of her to expect you to just wipe out the past (am speaking from similar experience - and you have my sympathy). If it's bothering you - and it is a big deal! - then broach it. Like PP, I doubt she'll admit being a shit mother, but it might make you feel better, you never know.

She 'said' she was abused, she may not have been. It sounds like she is very messed up indeed.

I wonder about that, too, Molly.

Did she just want to scare you silly? She sounds like she didn't like you much as a child - perhaps it was an extension of her abuse - of you?

Another thing that goes with this is that one of my Dads male employees used to babysit for me, he was only about 19 and apparently one day I said I didn't want him to anymore, there was no particular reason I just preferred the other person who babysat occasionally (more fun). Years later, in my teens, my Mum asked me if he had ever done anything to me for me to suddenly not want him around. I was and said No! Now I look at that and think if you were so worried why didn't you ask me at the time? The whole thing is just so bizarre.

Cogito I think what you said is exactly right. I don't think she did actually give a shit about any of us (kids). I remember my three year old sister being let out to play and disappearing for the afternoon, this happened at least three times that I remember, then getting a good hiding on her return. I remember my parents would go out till the early hours leaving me in charge (I was 8) and my sister got out one night and turned up at the pub they were in. They say that's just what people did back then but this was 1980, did they really?

I don't even know if it would be worth saying anything to her tbh. She would just cry and play the victim, or something like "have you been festering about that all these years?" Like its me that's at fault.

She sounds toxic. Maybe distancing yourself is the way forward if you think she'll just play the wronged perfect granny/mum.

I was a teenager by 1980, grew up in a pretty rough working-class area, kids had a lot of freedom and older siblings often looked after younger ones but, trust me, that was not considered good parenting even then. My babysitting receipts were testament to parents not neglecting their smaller kids while they swanned off to the pub. OTOH my school had a lot to do with the NSPCC and a case like yours would have definitely got their interest....

Of course she would cry and play the victim if you aired all of this. But, if you anticipate the response and are prepared, sometimes it's enough to just say it out loud and look them in the eye.