I'm so confused about what to do

[ScrewIt]

I've posted twice before along these lines but the saga continues & I just don't know what to do.

Basically I'm just over 4 months pregnant, planned, have been with my partner 5 1/2 years, we had our ups and downs the first couple of years but then its been good since. We enjoy each others company, spend time together, have fun together.

Anyway for the last month he was increasingly cold/distant (I put it down to him losing his job & the usual stresses associated). Then 2 weeks ago after a week of picking fights he blew up and declared it was over, that the baby was a mistake, he hated me.

I was devastated but realised there's not much I can do with that so accepted it, stayed with family for a week to give him time to move out and left him to it. He didn't move out, though he could have & when I returned home he continued to blame everything on me. He refused to accept any responsibility.

Yesterday I wrote him a very long letter detailing how everything was in fact his fault, exactly what he has been like to live with and that he needed to accept responsibility and grow the fk up because he's going to be a father.

I braced myself for the backlash but instead he read it, said he now understood where I was coming from. That he hadn't meant any of the things he said, could have moved out but didn't because he didn't want it to be over, that he'd been having a massive pregnancy freak out and wished the last 2 weeks hadn't happened. If I want him to go he will.

Now I just don't know what to do. He's said some incredibly hurtful things, behaved in a terrible way. All my friends know, my family know, my boss knows. Its all feels too easy for him.

Part of me is saying everyone gets one pregnancy freak out, give having a family a chance, we're going to have a baby I should at least try. Part of me is saying how can I trust him to not have a 'the baby is teething' freakout etc. how can I forgive the way he's been and things he's said.

I'm all involved & don't know what to do.

It does sound rather too easy. 'I didn't mean it' ... easy to say but not really a ringing endorsement of anything is it? And 'I could have moved out but didn't want to' just reminds me of that Bill Sikes line in Oliver! i.e. 'Of course I loves ya, I lives with ya don't I?....' I'm not really liking the bit about if you want him to go, he will either. Lumps all the responsibility for the future of the relationship on you. If you say 'go' he'll say you 'threw him out' and if you say 'stay', then it makes it look like you're condoning the behaviour. Thorny all round.

I'd tell him you need to think about it some more and don't rush to get back together. What happened sounds pretty hurtful, you can't 'unremember' this kind of incident and, you're right, if this is how he's behaving during the pregnancy what on earth is he going to be like faced with the challenges of a real live baby?

So that's my feeling. Take your time. Ask him to leave for a while (the way you did) and say you're still thinking. I've a feeling you're erring on the side of getting back together ... just don't make it too easy.

Thank you, that makes sense.

I feel at the moment that the reasons to leave outweigh the reasons to stay. BUT everything was so good and we're having a baby.

I don't want to make it easy but I also feeling that me saying go away for a few weeks, take a break from pregnancy and enjoy some carefree time would also be making it easy on him. Its like whatever I do he comes up smelling of roses.

It all depends on how you phrase it. If you make him going away a finite thing then I doubt he'll take it seriously. I could be wrong but he seems rather casual in the apology and the reasons for the outburst... it has a whiff of taking you for granted and hoping the dust has settled rather than serious remorse If you make him going away open-ended - not 'a few weeks' but 'until I decide whether this relationship has a future' - you can create a certain anxiety in his mind about whether this is a forever deal. See what I mean?

Moments like this are pivotal. Stand firm now and you may end up celebrating 50 years together. Cave and you guarantee a repeat performance next time he has 'freak' about something.

He should be grovelling to have you back, after all that he did.

How about telling him that you only want him back if he proves himself? You don't want someone who isn't there for you and only gives you heartache.

I think you're right about taking for granted. He even said yesterday 'oh I thought everything was sorted' about 5 mins after his underwhelming 'apology'.

How do I ask him to prove himself? Is that not game playing? How can he prove himself?

I'm thinking about going away again to take stock, I think him knowing I'm here pregnant & alone would suit him if he moved out. Me going away on the other hand & him having to deal with the reality of being in the house alone & me being too far for him to go see/know whats happening feels better. I have somewhere quite good/fun to go for 3 weeks that he'll be gutted to have missed out on.

Though he would know I'd be coming home eventually so would that make it a bit of a holiday again? Or would him not knowing if I'd want him when I got back be enough to be a kick in the arse?

I think I remember your thread before you went away?

I expect the change of heart is because he's no longer sure that the new relationship is going to work out, so he's hedging his bets for a while longer until he knows one way or another.

I honestly don't think there is another relationship. I think its about him being a selfish prick.

About proving himself, you are best placed to decide it.
What would make you trust him again?

A proper apology?
Properly supporting you?
Taking time to ask about you and to tell you about his feelings?
Propose/accept going to couples counselling?

Personally, I think you should kick him out of the house, and go to that fun place too.
Having him out means that it's already done and then you decide whether he's allowed in or not.
You going back means that you have to decide then whether he should stay or not. More complicated.

You can't keep going away in the hope that things'll be better when you get home. His attitude still sucks since you returned last time. You don't have the luxury of having a pregnancy freak out, you're having to get on with it and put up with his issues. What's in this relationship for you, where's your support from him? A shrugging apology doesn't make everything all right again. The thinks he said to you can't be unheard.

At the minute there's nothing in it for me, he's a major headache.

I need to see he's sorry I guess and that he's taking this seriously. That he can won't be selfish and take me for granted.

3/4 weeks ago, there was everything in it. He was an amazing support, I couldn't have asked for much more. How he was and how he says he wants to go back to being is what is making me hesitate.

But I really can't unhear the things he said & he said a lot, which became a whole lot more between my last post and this one.

One thing thats Royally p'd me off is that he hasn't paid the rent (I pay bills he pays rent). So if I say you go then he gets to walk away and leave me to deal with the mess he's created. So I guess one of the reasons why I want to go is so that he has to figure that out rather than swan off, let me handle it, get a nice break from the pregnancy. Its so frustrating!!

Why hasn't he paid the rent, does he have the money to pay it? Get him to the cashline pronto, like now. He's totally taking the piss. So he's still saying upsetting things this afternoon, is this his idea of showing you how sorry he is?

He just about had enough money to pay it but doesn't any more, from what I can gather its gone to his mum (he owed her money), on take aways while Ive been gone, on beer, on a night out with his sister while I was gone.

I meant my last post about this situation earlier in the week, not today.

So if he stays the rent remains his problem, if he goes it becomes my problem. I'm not bailing him out.

Quite frankly, you are only 4 months pregnant. There's not a lot men can do at this stage.
So, forget about the break from the pregnancy and concentrate on the most important issues.
Deal with this now rather than after the baby is born.

By you leaving you are still giving him a break from the pregnancy. He's quite comfortable in his home, with his stuff, doing what he pleases.

The rent doesn't become his problem just because you left for a couple of weeks.
It's the responsibility of the name on the contract.

If he's still being a twat (and I'm not surprised, because you went back, so in his mind, you are back and you are just punishing him) then he's not going to suddenly become the man you would like him to be.

He doesn't sound the reliable person you need or deserve. What do you want to do, can you forgive him and move on? Or do you want to cut your losses and give yourself plenty of time to get resettled and organised for the baby coming? Could you maybe see about getting somewhere for yourself to rent?

I would go away but don't make any promises of coming back to the relationship. Say you need some thinking time to decide whether you want to be in this relationship now.

That's not playing games. In fact it's the wisest thing to do and so hopefully it would be the truth.