Do I have any rights with this?

[EternalRose]

In regards to getting my ex out of 'our' home. We rent, but I officially ended things between us in Feb due to various behaviours that I put up with for so long that made me unwell.

It has taken me until a week ago, to save up all the money I need to get the hell out of here, but given that I will be a fulltime student in September (professional training course), have no guarantor (no real family), entitled to housing benefit, and have a 3 year old daughter has meant that most landlords wont touch me with a bargepole.

I have a viewing on Monday (in a different town - I am relocating) to see a property that is wholly unsuitable. It is owned by a very established construction company that is very understanding of my circs, but property is on a main road (in town centre), basement flat, parking looks a bit of a headache, no garden but the rent per month is cheap. There is a big part of me that just wants to take it so I can get away from this man and then try and find something more suitable when I am there. Although, I realise that their are financial implications to doing it this way, and the nature of my course as well as uprooting again will be very stressful for me and my daughter.

However, at the moment I feel there is a great deal of urgency to get out. As lately I have started to feel unwell again with the crazy hours I have been working and my ex has done nothing to contribute to the household financially, or made any attempt to. So, I have been saving like mad while paying all of the bills, and paying for food and my ex in between looking after our daughter ( I grant him that) sits online trolling forums, smoking weed if he has it, etc. He did have a job before, but he got the sack after 6 weeks (no doubt on purpose), this was his first job since graduating last year September. He just does not want to work.

The truth of the matter is, I want him out. I would hate to make a quick decision and rent a property due to desperation when I can stay where I am and take my time to find somewhere suitable. The university has also said they could probably help me with a house in August too...

So yes he does looks after my daughter while I work, but I could easily get childcare sorted if he was to leave today. So my question is where do I stand regarding getting him out because his name is on the tenancy agreement? He will not leave at all, because he says he has nowhere to go but he is sucking the life out of me and it is driving me insane.

On top of all that, he is now calling me selfish for relocating to uni and taking my daughter with me. The nature of my course is split 50/50 uni/placement and I will have to do shifts, so obviously I will be utilising overnight childminders and a nursery. He said it is not the right environment for her and she should stay with him, but I do not want this at all. I know his main motivation for this is so that he can go on full benefits and not work until she is 5. Am I such a bad person for wanting my daughter to be with me and to see me happy for once. She is only 3 and she has only ever seen me miserable. I am doing this course to make a better life for her as well as I will have a career afterwards (I am 26, he is 40 next month).

Sorry this is really long, just feel exhausted with it all.

It seems to me that smoking cannibis in a rental property is a clear breach of the tenancy agreement, but reporting him to the landlord for this might also lead to them kicking you out as well for permitting it. Also, if you leave him in her care and he smokes cannabis while he is looking after her, SS could get involved and consider you a neglectful parent.

I don't, actually, think that a bit of weed is such a terrible thing BTW (though a lot of it is a different matter) but it is illegal and therefore it's something you can use as leverage against this man to get rid of him.

Gosh, you've really been through it if the waste of space is still in your face 4 months later

iiwy I wouldn't listen to a word he says, for a start. I also wouldn't be telling him my plans. He's not your friend, he's a PITA, big time.

I don't have any advice because I don't know anyting about this sort of thing, but I know someone who does! Women's Aid should give you some very good support and advice. Best to call - 0808 2000 247 - but call between 7pm and 7am as the lines are very busy during the day.

Another org that should give you some pointers are Rights of Women which gives free legal advice. I think you're going to need legal advice to find out your rights here - also have a go at posting in legal on MN, which bristles with excellent legal advice.

Also Shelter gives good housing advice (eg in tricky situations like yours). I have heard great things about the help and support they offer.

I hope you get this resolved soon. Well done for all you're doing to give you and your daughter a better future.

Go an talk to your local Citizens Advice Bureau. They will be able to advise you on your rights regarding the tenancy. I believe that as a joint tenant your partner has a right to stay in the property. However, you can apply for an occupation order to remove him from the property if you can show that him staying causes 'significant' harm (which includes impairment of your mental or physical health). Unfortunately you would no longer get legal aid for this unless there is evidence of domestic violence. I'm not sure how much it would cost or what the process is, but the CAB or a good family solicitor could advise.

Congratulations on your course. That's brilliant! I think you do need to extricate yourself from this man. If he's bad for you, that's bad for your daughter. You've got your life ahead of you, full of new opportunities and deserve to meet someone special. You are only responsible for yourself and your daughter. He is an adult and responsible for himself and it sounds like the relatonship is desperately bad for you. Don't feel guilty about leaving him and moving on. But be sympathetic to your daughter if she's close to him. It may be a wrench, and easier for her if you and she could stay in the home.

I think you need the some help to decide what's best from someone who knows you. Your GP, if there are health issues? You health visitor, given your DD is so young, or a friend? And the CAB.

Really good luck to you. I admire you enormously for starting your course and building yourself and your daughter a new life. Don't, whatever you do, give up on it. This crap phase of relationship breakdown and upheaval will pass, I promise! Just stay strong a bit longer.

Thanks for the reply SGB,

The thing with my ex, he has no control over himself when it comes to weed, when he gets it he smokes it everyday until its gone - but only when my daughter is in bed (although I appreciate that doesn't make it any better).

Re speaking to the landlord. The only thing that might lend weight to my 'case' is that he has a caution on his criminal record for punching me in the head. ( He previously had hit me so hard he broke his hand and when he called the ambulance, they then called the police by default). But that was two years ago and he hasn't been violent since and I don't want to make up anything.

The other tenants in my block of flats (two other flats) cant stand him so I suppose that's something..

I have spoken to my landlord before about him, because she wanted to know why I am leaving but I think she is only interested in her rent being paid. Although, when I leave he will have no means to pay the rent at all.

Such a difficult situation, just think I have to wait it out.

Sorry cross posts, thank you springytate and lantern. I will make a few calls on Monday..

But like you say it could be a case of me just staying stronger for a bit longer.

Yes, I had an old thread 'My valentines day kick in the teeth' posted 15th Feb, but I got it deleted because I caught him snooping on my laptop recently, but I now have passwords on my computer. At the time of posting, I had found yet another attempt by him to make contact with someone on a dating website, and its not the first time I have found this. He has also sent gay emails, and pictures of himself to men on the net. I put up with his rubbish for so long...

Dare I say it, the domestic violence conviction gives you rights to Legal Aid I should've thought!

You can also get the Anti-Social Behaviour dept at the council to show you ways you (and the other tenants?) can get him out. You don't have to be a council tenant to get this support. But Citizens Advice should give you all the advice and pointers you need as to how to go about this.

I hope you have all passwords etc changed now on your pc?

Yes, I have created a user account so he cant log onto my pc without a password now..

Thank you re advice about council, I will give it all a ago on Monday just feel so tired now, and unfortunately I am quite isolated and don't have any family, or even friends nearby to support me...

Worried if I rock the boat too much he will do something nasty I guess. He seems content to live with me even though we have broken up, and does not seem to be making any plans to sort himself out at all.

I don't know if it is worth all the trouble of getting him off the tenancy and out of the house, given that you will have to move in about two months time max anyway, I'd be very inclined to move as quickly as possible yourself. Can you see more flats when you are there? Also is it worth setting up childcare in your current location when again you will need new childcare in a couple of months time?

Normally I would say sit it out and get your home back but here you have a history of violence plus having to change anyway very soon, and it is not an owned house so you are not losing anything really by moving out sooner rather than later.

Hope it goes ok, the fact that you are worried about him doing something nasty makes me think you should take advice from Women's Aid. Plus if he is the main carer now, all the more reason to quickly establish yourself as the main carer by moving off, again something you may want to seek legal advice about.

I have no knowledge of the legalities of this myself but I have understood from other threads on here that it is often the case that the person who did the most childcare is the considered the main carer and that can support a case for DC staying with that person in the event of a split. I suspect he doesn't really want this as it would cramp his lifestyle and he doesn't want to leave or for you to leave because it's more comfortable for him with someone paying the bills. I don't want to add to your burden but it is something I think you have to take advice on.

You have been amazingly strong and focussed on getting you and your DD the life you deserve, this is just his reaction to realising his cosy life is coming to an end so do try not to let it divert you. You have already achieved so much in starting over, you just have this last hurdle.