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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Left my family and now 8 months pregnant - WWYD?

24 replies

MisselthwaiteManor · 08/06/2013 17:47

I apologise this might be long because I don't want to dripfeed.

I walked away from my parents and family a few years ago and have had no contact, they've tried occasionally but it phased out and they have no details for me at all now.

I chose to do this because of abuse in childhood and teens, my parents were both violent and mentally abusive, my grandparents not violent but mentally battered me. I never had it out with them because the rest of my family were of the same mindset and so whenever I spoke up nothing came of it. So I decided to walk away without saying why.

Fast forward to now, my mental well being has improved through the roof, I no longer self harm and have an active happy life and a loving relationship.

I'm 8 months pregnant and starting to wonder if I did the right thing. It's making me think how would I feel if this baby upped and left in 20 years time? And do I really have the right to keep the baby separated from half of its family? But on the other hand, I do not want the baby to ever be in the environment that I grew up in.

I am torn, I don't know if Inshould make contact and tell my parents I am pregnant or if I should continue to stay cut-off and never let them know. If there was no baby I wouldn't hesitate to stay away for the rest of my life.

I wish there was a happy medium where Icould tell them, they could meet, and the baby could make its own decisions when it's old enough. But I am worried about grandparents rights, what they would do, and I really really don't want them back in my life - which is selfish isn't it?

WWYD?

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/06/2013 17:55

You could tell them you're pregnant, and send photos of the baby, without revealing your contact details, if you want them to know there's another generation. But you don't have to meet up with them.

Grandparents don't have any rights to contact. It is possible for gp to get a court order for contact, but usually only when there has been a strong, pre-existing relationship. Your family wouldn't stand a chance.

LoopyLooplaHoop · 08/06/2013 17:57

I'd steer clear if I were you. My abusive father is dead now, but if he weren't, there's no way I'd want him meeting my kids.

FannyFifer · 08/06/2013 17:58

I would continue as you are.

The fact you are happy and mentally well is all credit to yourself, they will drag you back down.

Trust yourself that you have made the right decision, it really sounds like no contact is your best opinion.

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 08/06/2013 18:03

I'd stay clear. Do not make contact. They won't have changed so think of everything they put you through and imagine them doing that to your baby. And probably you again too.

Original poster

MisselthwaiteManor · 08/06/2013 18:06

I have siblings who never suffered the same abuse so I do wonder if the problem was me. I don't know of they would act the same towards the baby as they did to me, but I shouldn't give them the opportunity should I? But it does feel so, so selfish.

OP posts:

AmyFarrahFowlerCooper · 08/06/2013 18:08

Even if they don't do it to the baby, they could do it to you again in front of your child and start to use your child as something to mentally beat you with. Its not selfish to protect yourself from abuse.

Original poster

MisselthwaiteManor · 08/06/2013 18:08

DH does have a large, happy, loving family who are all excited about the baby so it will have plenty of people surrounding it and caring for it. But there's this niggle that I've taken half it's family away before its even born.

Thank you for the replies btw

OP posts:

DorisShutt · 08/06/2013 18:09

Think about what they said to you.

Ask yourself if you would ever see yourself saying it to your child?

If you wouldn't say it - then you have your answer.

Original poster

MisselthwaiteManor · 08/06/2013 18:09

Yes, you're right. I wouldn't want it to witness anything either.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 08/06/2013 18:09

Have you heard of scapegoating? Sounds like you were "it".

Lweji · 08/06/2013 18:11

You haven't taken anything.
You are protecting your baby from them.

cheerfulweather · 08/06/2013 18:15

They were abusive, you did the right thing. Leave them in the past where they belong. They don't sound like the sort of people you'd like to introduce to your child. Cutting off abusive people like that can make you question and feel guilty, even years later, I think. You're not them and your child will have no reason to do similar.

diddl · 08/06/2013 18:17

Far better for your baby to have two good GPs than 2 good ones & 2 crap ones.

cheerfulweather · 08/06/2013 18:20

Yes, scapegoating would explain why you were singled out. I don't think it's so uncommon a scenario either. Having physical abuse inflicted on you can never be your fault.

Bogeyface · 08/06/2013 18:51

The reason you can imagine how you would feel if the baby upped and left is because you have many things that your abusive family dont have .

Empathy, love, consideration....you feel these things and would be heartbroken if your child left because you are not abusive. You wouldnt abuse your child, you would love it, care for it, protect it.

I personally think that you should stay no contact. Putting your child into toxic and potentially abusive family situations would be the worst thing you could do. Do you honestly think that they would welcome you with open arms? Or are they more likely to throw you "abandonment" and "selfishness" in your face any time they felt like it?

wordyBird · 08/06/2013 19:13

...do I really have the right to keep the baby separated from half of its family? ....

Let's put it another way. You're the child's mother: you have total responsibility for keeping him / her safe. Mentally and physically. I'm saying this gently....If these people were strangers, would you introduce your child to them and hope they had a relationship together? I hope not..

It's not selfish to protect your child from abusive people - it's vital. When your child is old enough, he/she might want to seek them out, and then would be the time for a discussion. Now, you are in charge, and what you say goes.

greencolorpack · 08/06/2013 19:19

When my children meet my Dad they are amazed at how rude and unpleasant he is, he says devastating things and forgets their names and birthdays and refers to them as "the girl" ie, "Come to my party, but just bring the girl" (cos he thinks I am a freeloader who wants him to pay for a big steak dinner for myself, husband, and three kids). Anyway my point is my kids are NOT used to someone treating them shabbily like that. And I am used to it, I tend to put up with Dad saying horrible things.

I have kept the kids apart from my parents. I don't think they have missed out at all, in fact they have missed out on a whole heap of dysfunction and crazy. Don't think "family at all costs". Protect your baby and have your own family. Yes it's sad to think of your child rejecting you in twenty years, but you can break the cycle, mainly by understanding it and consciously avoiding repeating it with your own kid.

jessjessjess · 08/06/2013 20:02

This was not your fault. I promise. The nagging feeling that says it was? That voice is a liar created by the way in which you were treated.

Being related by blood does not give them the right, or you the duty, to go against your wishes and instincts. Steer clear for the sake of you AND your baby.

You ask how you would feel if this baby upped and left in 20 years, but your baby isn't you and won't go through what you did as you're breaking the cycle. Don't ask yourself how you would feel if your child upped and left, ask yourself what made you do that.

You deserve to be surrounded by people who care. I would steer clear of your family, OP, you don't have any obligation to them.

Potteresque97 · 08/06/2013 20:16

Having your first dc is a huge experience and it makes you more emotionally vulnerable, Fwiw you should at the very least wait until you have a full grip on your new life before doing anything at all. You'll have lots of adjustments re baby, it doesn't seem to me like it is good timing. For the first 2 years, dd really had no idea who her gps were anyway so you have plenty of time to revisit. Babies can't fix horrible people unfortunately.

springytate · 08/06/2013 21:16

why do you think your parents/family would be different with your child? There's a high probability they would be exactly the same as they were with you.

It sounds like you think you probably deserved what happened to you, and it wouldn't happen to anyone else. Well, as jessjess says, you're wrong on that one. \they pick on one because it makes them sleep easy at night.

I kept up with my toxic family for my kids' sakes. I couldn't have made a more catastrophic mistake. I so wish someone had talked some sense into me way back.

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2013 21:18

Keep yourself safe and keep your child safer.

Stay away from this highly abusive family. If you get back in touch now, they will try to stop you leaving again, not because they want you, but because they will want to make your child treat you as they do.

springytate · 08/06/2013 21:35

they will want to make your child treat you as they do

yes, that's it. They'll put a lot of effort into it. No-one can like or love you or the whole thing will come toppling down

(I wish I was exaggerating)

wundawoman · 08/06/2013 21:35

I can appreciate your dilemma. My dh is in a similar position. He walked away from his family 22 years ago. I have never met his parents or siblings! It's a long story why they fell out...

But anyway we have 2 dc and sometimes I feel they have missed out on grandparents. But when we have discussed this, he is adamant that to make contact would be more trouble than it is worth, and doesn't want to. However he is happy for our dcs to make contact when they are older, if they want to.

We have always been honest with our dcs - and they dont miss what they never had?? There is clearly a reason why you distanced yourself from your family, and in time when you explain this to your dc, they will hopefully understand and respect your decision.

Original poster

MisselthwaiteManor · 09/06/2013 08:24

Thank you everyone.

The scapegoating thing does sound familiar! I will stick to my guns and stay away, it's obviously the best thing to do. Im sorry your DH went through the same wundawoman, it's good to hear it hasn't affected your DCs.

OP posts:

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