Headf**k boyfriend who I sadly love....HELP

[waddlecakes]

I've been seeing him for a little under a year and it's always been difficult. He has mental problems and in April went into a psychiatric hospital for 2 weeks.

The past two months have been good and I really thought we were moving forward.

Yesterday afternoon I went round as planned and he was having an ''off'' day. We were supposed to watch the tennis. We essentially spent 6 hours straight arguing, him saying he ''doesn't know how to be in a relationship'', he doesn't know what to do with me, how to feel. He has no job and hasn't for a good few years (we're in our late twenties). His family basically are too scared to isolate him and so they tiptoe around him trying to make life as comfortable as possible. We have the same GP - yesterday he went to see her, looking to be referred to some specialist doctor, and our GP told him he needed to get a grip on life and stop thinkjng he was unique, because people aren't. That shook him and I suppose it's what kicked him into havng a 'bad day'. He was really sullen and introspective when I arrived, I had to try and get him out of the house. We kissed and then he tried to drag me into the bedroom (it sounds scary, but what I mean is he really wanted to get 'it on', but I could sense an aggression to it that made me realize somewhere in the back of my mind that doing it then would have been about him releasing tension and not really about sex, and so I refused and continued trying to get him out the house).

I've never been anything other than loyal and supportive to him. Our argument started because although he was generally being difficult, there came a point where he made a ''joke''. Can't remember what the context was but he said: ''I haven't given a shit about your feelings for awhile now''.

He said he probably has some sort of Madonna/whore complex, he doesn't understand what I'm doing with someone who is so useless in life and in bed (premature ejaculation issues). He said he was only capable of seeing me in three different ways - sometimes as magical and wonderful, other times he doesn't even think of me at all, and then sometimes just as a sex object. He said he wanted to tell me things he'd never told anyone before...then he broke down and said he ''hadn't been honest'' with me. He said when we first met, he was supposed to be involved in something with another woman. A woman who lives in Norway, who is also ''crazy'', who three years ago he thought could have ''been'' something to him. When he met me, they had been exchanging letters, but then he fell under ''my spell'' and realized that she was just an illusion in a way, that none of it was real. He said they had continued writing to each other until this April.

That's when I started crying. Maybe I overreacted because he never promised me anything and I suppose I always knew that he could never fully be mine, and I too had been tying up loose ends with a guy (casual) when we first met...but coupled with everything else, it just seemed like a lot. I got up and walked to the door but he wouldn't let me leave, he wanted to finish the discussion. I told him he had so little going on in his life that he was trying to suck emotion out of creating drama like this, and I also told him that I'd noticed that yet again he was handing in his notice for his most recent job (lasted 2 days in it) and was also handing in notice for his flat (his plan is to sleep at various friends), so I told him he was probably trying to get rid of me as well to justify having some big massive breakdown.

This went on for hours. We went to bed, had sex and went to sleep, he didn't touch me all night, same in the morning. In the morning he disappeared to get food but I felt so drained I waited for him for 5 minutes and then just decided to leave. As I was leaving he came back in and told me ''not to leave like this'', he had stuff for breakfast, etc. I told him I just wanted to get home. Then he said: ''Let's go to the lake tomorrow'' (where we go swimming).

I'm so confused. I love him so much and it's been an unsure thing since the very beginning because of his issues - I've never been allowed to get closer than the point he decides on. But it really felt like things were getting better...I just don't understand why he's trying to hijack things now, and why he didn't just let me leave when I wanted to, or why he didn't just finish things. What the fuck does he want from me?

I'm sorry this is so epic, I needed to get it out. If anyone can offer me insight on this I'd be grateful (any direct conversation about it with him is completely impossible), or if anyone has been in a similar situation. Don't tell me to just forget about him, I can't.

[waddlecakes]

Now I just can't help but think, he's in a really bad place and seemingly (to him) out of nowhere I blow up at him and drop this bombshell. Maybe I should call him, I feel like I've done something mean.

[tribpot]

Yes, good idea. Call him - feed the drama. Did you see Undertone's post above? Mental health issues or not, he is an emotional vampire.

Free yourself from this endless merry-go-round of agony and ecstasy. It isn't real - it's just two vulnerable people who don't know when to let go. As the less vulnerable individual, it's your job to [wo]man up and end this.

[Finola1step]

Good grief. Go back to him. Let him continue treating you like shit.

Or, you could stop this drama fest and dump him for good.

Sorry to be harsh but, you need to hear it. Your friends in RL need a flipping good shake for not telling you straight.

He sounds just like an ex of mine from way back. I dumped him after 7 months and countless 3am phone calls "needing to talk". Best thing I ever did. He didn't commit suicide, fall apart etc. he just went on to the next one.

Your choice.

[Inertia]

You are not his saviour.

You are not (from what I've read of the thread) a qualified mental health practitioner with the specialist skills needed to help this man deal with his mental health issues.

You're not responsible for his well-being. He is an adult with recognised mental health problems and (presumably) several points of contact if he does need help.

You're not a sex doll to be dragged into bedrooms for his relief and then harangued for his perceived sexual inadequacy.

You're not his slave, to be kept captive because he refuses to let you leave.

You're not his emotional punchbag, to be blamed for everything he thinks is wrong with his life.

But that's what he wants from you, because that's what he currently gets from you.

The early months of a relationship are meant to be dizzy giddy fun. It doesn't sound like much fun for you. And no relationship should ever involve a woman being pressured for sex in a situation that frightens her.

[MadBusLady]

Please stop tying yourself up in knots over what he wants, what he thinks, what his opinion of all this drama is. What he wants is very simple. He just wants you to be totally headfucked and focussed on his drama. He doesn't secretly really deep down want a nice loving relationship with you. He wants exactly what he's currently getting.

What do YOU want from all this? Because if it's a nice loving relationship with a man who doesn't play mind games and has conversations with you about things other than his own fucking navel, this one ain't going to give you it. Ever.

You call him now, you'll be writing this thread again in three months. Then six months after that. Then a year later. Then five years on, and before you know it you'll have devoted a substantial part of your life to feeling like shit.

Unless/until he dumps you and goes on to the next magical woman/sex doll/non-person and "falls under their spell" instead, of course.

[waddlecakes]

But as stupid as it sounds, I can see something in him...

[MadBusLady]

Yes, it does sound stupid. Sorry.

[EldritchCleavage]

He uses you, and appears to dislike you. He can be awful to you and in the very next moment, incredibly nice to other people. He calls you a succubus and blames you for his sexual dysfunction. The next stage of this relationship could well involve him being violent to you.

Just let this go, and move on with your life.

[MadBusLady]

Oh god, I'd forgotten the succubus thing. Seriously, OP, get shot. He is properly, creepily weird.

[Undertone]

Waddle. No one is going to agree that you should sustain contact with this man.

No one.

All we know of him is how you have described him. We have an objective view, and it really is that straightforward.

I know it's unendurably alluring to imagine there's more to him than just his selfishness and turmoil - that YOU ALONE can see the amazing person inside. It's a self defensive fantasy. Your brain is trying to justify why you have made all this effort and created all these hopes. Don't project something that is just not there.

Do NOT scurry to him and try to talk about it. He hasn't, so why should you? Start to act like an equal in this dynamic. Stop making any effort and plan your independence.

[tribpot]

Total rescuer fantasy. I'm sorry. You really want to believe that he can be redeemed, and that you can do it, and that thus shall your love be proved righteous.

This is bollocks. And Eldritch is right, he is potentially escalating beyond emotional abuse.

Rescue yourself - you deserve it more.

[Finola1step]

He is dangerous. Get out now.

Or alternatively, keep playing the fantasy in your head.

[waddlecakes]

But there must be more to him. He's constantly surrounded by people, always on the phone, out, etc.

Maybe it's just a problem with women.

Although one of his mates told me that she never felt truly comfortable around him, because he never asked her anything and always wanted to talk about himself and sometimes she feels 'on edge' around him. She also told me that he ''turned one of his [male] friends crazy"....

So I don't get it, it's obviously not just me who's drawn to him like this

[waddlecakes]

How are you all making this leap to it potentially becoming violent?!

[Lavenderhoney]

No matter how much you take all this crap from him he will never change and you cannot make someone love you and be nice with you.

There are millions of men in world, why pick one who makes you this miserable?

And you make him miserable too I expect, he is doing his best to make you go as he doesn't have the balls to do it himself. Maybe he is worried about what you might do and he doesn't need the stress on top of his other issues. Do him and you a favour and leave him alone.

[EhricLovesTeamQhuay]

There really isn't more to him. He is what and who he is. Please stop trying to make hi. Something he is not. You are torturing yourself.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

Hello.

Have had depression very badly in the past. Still managed not to treat my friends/family/partner like shit, waffle on about my 'issues' and ignore theirs (even if I felt like doing that because as an illness it does make you a bit of a naval gazer) or purposely mess people around.

You know he's self aware. He's playing you like a fiddle. He knows you're kind so seems to be playing the sympathy card tbh.

He also sounds very passive aggressive. (i.e The Succubus comment was a passive aggressive way of saying don't be so dominant during sex & you've mentioned a few more).

He will not change and The longer you're together the more confused & hurt you will feel.

It is very possible to meet a straight forward man who will treat you like you deserve to be treated & from the outside it looks like even just being single would be better than this.


Good luck...it sounds like he's established quite a grip on you

[TheOrchardKeeper]

(I mean this in a helpful way but have you thought about why you might be carrying this on & torturing yourself? You seem to know this is wrong and keep nearly walking but then go back. Do you like the drama? Are you scared of making it final? Is he playing on your rejection issues?)

[Inertia]

In your OP, you say that he tried to drag you into the bedroom for sex in an aggressive manner, and say that he refused to let you leave. He admits to not caring about your feelings. He blames you for his sexual performance and calls you a succubus. His mental health problems include psychosis. That's why people are making the link to possible violence.

I'm certainly not qualified to judge how much of this behaviour is related to MH, and how much of it is just down to him being a controlling, self-absorbed, abusive prick. But it's not a great leap for people like this to turn violent.

You've got one life. Why choose to spend it unhappily with someone who doesn't actually like you and just uses you for sex ?

[flippinada]

What OrchardKeeper said. Mental health problems aren't a free pass to abuse someone, and that's what he's doing to you, make no mistake about that. He sources extremely manipulative and self centred. Now that may be part of his illness - if it is, you can't fix it for him and if it isn't, he's just a self centred, manipulative twat.

Get rid of this man and maybe think about getting some therapy/counseling for yourself or at least be on your own for a while afterwards.

By the way, the reason people think he may turn violent is because you've said yourself in your op that he shows violent tendencies. He tried to force you into having sex with him.

[Fairygen]

He's obviously using his mental health issues as an excuse to treat you like crap! He's using you, and you're letting him.

Is it that in some way you are drawn to the drama of the situation?

I've been in a similar situation, periods of normality and then being dropped because he was in a 'dark place' ( his words, not mine). This resulted in me pandering to him. Lots of hand holding, changing my plans to suit him etc.

After a few months, I had to cancel a date because my dd was ill. He went nuts, saying I'd let him down, let my dd wind me round her little finger etc, then started laying into my parenting skills. Needless to say, that was the last time I spoke to him.

Looking back, I think what a idiot I was! I'm not sure if he truly suffered from depression, or used it for sympathy. One thing I am sure of is that he was a controlling, selfish asshole!

Do yourself a favour and stay away.

[TheOrchardKeeper]

(also, you may love him or feel that you do but he does not love you. Not in the usual sense of the word anyway. Staying in a situation like that will make you feel worthless as you are giving 100x more than you are receiving and being shortchanged basically).

[waddlecakes]

Thank you so much everyone for helping me talk through this, I know from having been on the other side that it's really frustrating when something seems so blatantly toxic/wrong yet the woman seems to be sticking around, going in circles, and you're sitting there ripping your hair out, saying for the 50th time: ''Just get out of there, FFS!!!'' Hope you don't mind me writing to you as a group - it's because you're all pretty unanimous in what you're saying!

I'm beginning to feel myself get some emotional distance from him. A few days ago I found myself with him one night thinking: ''Actually...you're starting to bore me''. This might not sound like much, but I'd been so infatuated with him up until then, and he just seemed so glamorous and 'tortured', it came as something of a revelation to realise there wasn't actually much there, behind all the soul-searching and hand-wringing.

I can see how I got myself into this mess and why I'm still here pretty clearly. There's a lot of issues that have combined in this one person and period.

There's the Dad thing. I feel really sick thinking about it, but I can't emphasize just how much he is like my father. It's scary, it's almost the same person. I'm assuming a part of me is just desperate to understand the mentality and not feel the same rejection again. Obviously I know this is neither healthy nor feasible and should get some counselling about it perhaps.

There's the other issue of me needing him at the moment. He wouldn't know it and I would never tell him, but I need him right now. Why? Well, I just finished up the very last step in my professional training. For the first time, I am now facing the rest of my life as a sort of open road, whereas previously there had always been educational 'mile stones' to be reached. Basically it's like I am entering a new phase in my life, a non-student phase, where I need to think about how I want my life to play out. One thing that features in this plan is my desire to move back to the UK. For some background info, although I'm British I've only spent 6 years in the UK (moving around as a kid and then an adult) so moving back is something of a big deal to me. It also comes with a touch of sadness because although I know I want to move back and should do so, leaving this country (which has become something of an adopted homeland for me) will be a little heart-wrenching, even though I know I can always come back. I'm not explaining it very well but hopefully you can see what I'm getting at - I'm already projecting myself into the future, and he will be my last memory of this place.
As I mentioned in another post, because I so want to leave, I've sort of checked out of here. I see my friends and get on with my work, but my heart's not in it. This ''relationship'' is important to me, pathetically, because I need it to feel that staying around here for the next few months while I get some money saved for my move, is worth it. It's the only thing I have here right now that inspires some, ANY, kind of emotion. In a way, I suppose I'm using him as much as he's using me. I wonder if he can pick up on that, and I wonder if it actually makes me any better than him in this situation.

The final issue is that I should mention that I have had mental health issues myself, namely ''cyclothemia'' which a doctor diagnosed me with years ago but I never followed up on it, and from reading around the subject I also seem to match the BPD profile on a lot of levels. Obviously I also have some abandonment issues. I do think a part of me actively seeks out these situations. I wonder if secretly, deep down, I wouldn't be as interested if he were fully available. I wonder if things magically got better would I still want him as much. Also I think he suspects that, although perhaps not in the way you'd think. His mother had major issues. She was a lot older when she had him and would stay in bed all day, send him as a kid to go and do the food shopping, if he fell down in the street she'd just stand there giggling nervously and other mothers had to help pick him up, etc so maybe that's where his issues come from. Maybe he thinks of women as untrustworthy now. I know I can't fix that, nor is it my job. A few months into the relationship he said quite a few times: 'I'm scared I'm going to bore you'. As someone said up thread, I think a lot of the fucking around, pulling strings etc are to act as a smokescreen for not much substance. But for me as well, perhaps you're right and I do need the drama for it to feel worthwhile. Maybe I've learnt to associate drama with 'real love' somewhere along the way.

Sorry this is so long and self-centered, just needed to get it all down.

[Back2Two]

So I don't get it, it's obviously not just me who's drawn to him like this

No, many people may get sucked into the abyss that is being in a relationship with him.

But you are someone who has the opportunity to get out. I see the "draw" of him as his web and him as the spider.

Seriously ..... Get out. Get away. Have fun.

[NicknameTaken]

When people tell you what they're like, believe them.

Get away from him, and then work on your own issues re your father. I strongly suggest counselling, and the book "Women who love too much" is really insightful.

You can't fix him, and you can't fix your childhood through him. He is bad for you. You have a good reason to leave - come back to the UK and sort out your head. Your self-protection reactions need to kick in. Honestly, drop the Tortured Love Drama. It is not healthy or safe.