DP refusing to come home to see new DD, I'm livid

[InViennaWeWerePoetry]

Originally posted in AIBU but now more looking for some advice. DP is currently working abroad. For a few weeks now we've known that there was a possibility we would be given custody of my friend's DD age 7; this went ahead at the end of last week. I knew DD fairly well when she was younger but she doesn't remember me from then, and she hasn't met DP. She's been with me a few days now and is settling in well under the circumstances. When it became clear this arrangement would be going ahead, DP requested some time off work to come home and yesterday was offered 5 days off (a minor miracle given it's normally an absolute nightmare for him to negotiate time off).

This evening I had a text from DP to say he won't be taking the leave after all, which means he won't be meeting DD properly- they've said hi to each other on skype a couple of times- until he's due back from working abroad at the end of August. We've recently relocated because of my work, which means I haven't got much in the way of support down here, family live 4 hours one way and friends 3 hours the other. He is also going to be doing the school run for about 3 months from September, as he will have time off after working abroad and I will be working full time then. So I was hoping he and DD would be able to have something of an introductory period before then, and that he would be able to come with me to drop her at school a couple of times next week etc.

After trying to get hold of him several times, finally managed to speak to him. He claims I'm being completely unreasonable expecting him to come all the way back for 5 days, he will be tired and not want to do much anyway and it's a lot of hassle and rearranging for both him and his work for what it is. After a heated discussion he's put the phone down on me.

I'm not quite sure what to do now if I'm honest. We both agreed to this arrangement together, I didn't pressure him into it. He doesn't seem to get that it's going to be a bit unsettling for DD to know for the next few months he's going to be appearing eventually but having never met him properly, especially given the circumstances. I feel like calling him back I'm worried I'll lose it with him if he starts the self-centred act again and make matters worse. We've been together 3 years but only moved in together in the last few months. Not quite sure what to do.

It's lovely that you are able to look after your friend's DD and I get that you are very protective and want to do your best.

But perhaps this will work out ok? DD can get to know you really well as it's just the two of you and settle more. If DP reckons he'll be tired and stressed coming back for 5 days it's probably better that he isn't around just now as it could undo the good work you are achieving.

Try not to worry about it and concentrate on having a nice time with just the two of you. Would it be possible to go and see family for a weekend so that you get a bit of a break and some support?

WHy don't you take her out to see him in school holidays? I don't see the issue here as she at school it will only be what one weekend ?
Then he goes again. So maybe better to wait til he around full time ? Or take time in school holidays for getting to know..,

Do you have dc between you ?

But on a broader issue if he has never met her it all sounds a bit weird to get "custody" of her as a couple like this... Or is it just you? What will his status be ? Is this a private fostering arrangement ? Guardianship after a death ? Informal arrangement ? He has agreed to have a seven year old come live with you but he has never met her nor she him? So you don't know how either might react ?

And your priority now has to be the child.
So leave dp for now he is abroad and it s pontless arguing over
Long distance. and focus on your bonding with this child.

It's a private fostering arrangement, aiming to go down the special guardianship/adoption route long term presuming things work out. I have custody myself, he doesn't, but as we live together he is obviously going to play a part in DD's life. I did discuss it with him before agreeing to it, however, because ultimately it affects our relationship even though he isn't officially involved IYSWIM. It's not ideal, no, but the whole situation wasn't ideal. We don't have our own DC, no.

That's a good way of looking at it re her getting to know me first electric, hadn't thought of that, thank you. I'm going to try and get them writing postcards to each other. Going out there during the summer isn't really an option as I'm back at work then and will struggle to get time off, though might be worth a try. Going up to see my family for a weekend will be feasible though, which is a plus.

I would also book after school child care or at least have it as an option for September so he is not thrown into dad role before he has time to get to know her..she might find being in after school with new friends easier ?

And takes pressure off. He can always pick her up early from after wchool care. You could ask on fostering adoption forums for advice and support too. At the end of the day the child.s needs will come first . She has time to settle with you now and then with your p later on... And if p has cold feet or is not sure about taking ona child as reality has now hit wellmhe could always live apart when he back for a few months then gradually move back in...