Normal male behaviour?

[Cinacina]

I love my dh very much. He is kind, thoughtful and generous. We have 4dc and the youngest is 7 months. However, some of his behaviour has upset me recently and I don't know if I'm brushing it under the carpet or have lost respect for myself that I continue to accept it. Since we had dc4, he has done the following:

Within weeks if dc4, he was googling images of women in underwear, bikinis, topless etc. he knows how much I hate this as I find it demoralising, disrespectful and hurtful.

Women that he comes across or will be meeting via work, friends etc he googles them or searches for them on line.

He looks at sex sites on occasion just out of curiosity.

He never contacts women online although in the past would chat to old female friends on line without me knowing.

He has always been faithful and I am very confident of this. I suppose what I'm asking is the above acceptable and just normal male (and female?) behAviour? He shows a lot of remorse when things come to light, but I'm just not sure if I overreact or his behaviour is not on.

I'm mystified why posters are concentrating on the nude pics and the googling of contacts...and not the secret messaging of women he knows.

That's much more of a red flag in my book. Why would you have secret contact with women who are meant to be just friends?

Sounds dodgy to me - looking for emotional and sexual outlets beyond marriage - probably would try and justify it as you being unavailable . Slippery slope to real life cheating. Agree with Saffronshades, Internet makes it so easy and helps justify it - my OH maintains he was contacted by random women wanting to talk romance, sex etc - I maintain he should have told them to piss off. I had v traumatic delivery but this was not followed by this sort of behaviour but pre Facebook, iPhones, wifi.

I too think googling women he will come into contact with is not on, really creepy.

How is your sex life at present? You say your H is otherwise thoughtful and considerate - I hope you mean he does his fair share of housework and childcare and speaks to you kindly and with respect on the whole (because everyone gets irritable sometimes). I am not in any way blaming you or suggesting that you open your legs more often, if you are not much inclined to sex, or were not much inclined to have sex after a difficult birth, but sometimes a man will look at sexual images out of consideration for his partner ie he thinks it's kinder and better to take care of his own sexual needs when he knows that she is not well enough for sex, than to sulk or pester her. I do think you need to have a good talk with him.

I think the four behaviours you mention are completely different issues.

1. Googling women in bikinis/topless. I'd vote perfectly normal - god knows I spend enough time googling Benedict Cumberbatch (sadly, too few topless photos)

2. Googling women he's met/knows. Is it just women? I google people I've met quite frequently - if they mention a blog, own a business, have been on masterchef - the key is that it's for a legitimate reason. If it is literally just women he finds attractive, that is creepy and disrespectful. Has he deleted his internet history on this?

3. Going on sex sites. Porn, or meetup sites? If the latter - top of a slippery slope. And if the latter, needs to be chewed out over this.

4. Speaking to old female friends online ... well again that depends. I Facebook chat to male friends, most of whom DP knows but some who he doesn't (who now live overseas for instance). I might mention something interesting they've said, but am sure I don't inform DP every time I speak with them - did your DP do it in 'secret' (i.e. locked room, while you were out, deleting all evidence)? Only you can judge whether these chats were just chats, or whether they had some darker purpose.

What worries me most is his reaction - it's because of witnessing your traumatic birth?? Ridic. And a suspicious reaction, to my mind.