Finding my mother very difficult (long, probably very boring)

[Tailtwister]

My mother is staying with us atm and I'm finding her very difficult to deal with. It's hard to articulate what she's like, but I've never found one person who doesn't find her very hard work and most struggle to spend more than a few hours in her company.

She constantly talks over people, one sided conversation completely about herself, or something she's doing/reading. I've recently been offered a job and told her twice during the brief gaps of silence and she's just carried on talking, not even having heard what I've said.

Apart from that, we were in the park yesterday and there was a toddler having a meltdown. His mother had a newborn in a pram and there was a man with her too. She was trying her best to placate him, but he was having none of it (we've all been there right?). My mother kept staring over making loud comments about how she should 'just give him a clip around the ear' and stuff like that. I couldn't believe it, she's never said stuff like this before. Anyway, I told her to give the woman a break and stop staring/commenting and she goes off on one of her offended rants. Eventually the woman left as the child wasn't calming down, but I felt so ashamed of my mum's attitude and the fact she thought it was ok to hit a child. I don't remember her smacking us much as children, maybe on one or two occasions but not as a rule so I don't know where she's picked up this attitude from.

She has to dominate and butt into every situation. If she's with me and the children she has to engage every other child/adult in the vicinity in conversation. It gets to the point it's so embarrassing that I just have to walk away from her. She seems to be unable to read people's body language, standing in their space and following them when they try to move away.

I know I sound completely crazy, but it's so hard to describe her. I have another week of this when DH is away with work and don't know how to stand it. If I leave the room she follows me, when I was out I know she went into my bedroom and went through personal stuff of mine (she has form for this, my SIL ended up putting a padlock on her home office door when she was staying). She has no respect for other people's opinions or likes/dislikes. If you start a conversation about anything she always interrupts and makes starts going on about herself. Then there's the bitching about my SIL, my DF (who she divorced over 25 years ago) etc.

She's fun with the children, but even then she can't let them lead the play she has to dominate and lead them. They were so exhausted after 3 days of it that we had to keep DS1 off nursery as he was so tired and tearful.

I don't know what I'm expecting people to say (if anything), I just needed somewhere to put this down. Part of me wonders if this is my problem, but I know it's not just me as everyone else finds her impossible too.

Sounds very hard to deal with. I haven't read it yet but was recommended a book called 'difficult mothers' by Terri Apter, think it's available on Amazon, can't link as on phone.
Hope it gets better!

It is not your fault she is like this; you did not make her this way. I can imagine your childhood as well at her hands was also very difficult too.

However, why is she staying with you at all and for another week at that?. She sounds like a toxic parent and with your DH away you have no support. It may be that you are mired in FOG with regards to your mother; fear, obligation, guilt. You are perhaps still tacitly seeking her approval and this may be why you cannot readily ask her to leave your home. You would not put up with this from a friend, your mother is truly no different.

Do any of your siblings have any sort of relationship with her now?.

If she's too toxic for you to deal with, then she is too difficult for your children to have to deal with as well.

I would have a look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and post/read on there too.

OMG - Are you sure we're not related? I have a MIL who fits your description. Sadly it turned out that she has Alzeimer's and some of her more annoying traits were partially due to the disease. Also partly due to the fact that she was an only child and had always had a somewhat self-centred view of the world.

It sounds tough that she's staying for two weeks, and very intense. Does she live on her own? This again will makes some folk insensitive and selfish. Not really offering much helpful advice here apart from commiserations on I know what it's like,

Thanks for the book recommendation violet. I'll certainly take a look at it.

Attila yes, I suppose my childhood wasn't the best. I certainly wasn't neglected or mistreated, but I did always feel very dominated. My life was always very orchestrated by her and I never really had any normal social life or ability to choose my own friends. When she eventually left (I think I was about 15) I finally had some freedom and luckily didn't go off the rails. It was tricky as my father was the complete opposite to her, in that he didn't really care too much what I did as long as it wasn't illegal!

I was made redundant a while ago and we made a decision I would start looking for a job again. DH is away for a week, so she was staying in case I had to be away for interviews etc. She wanted to be up for DS2's birthday, hence two week duration.

I have one brother and he does have a relationship with her now. For a long time neither of us wanted much contact with her, but out of necessity she ended up living with him and his wife for just over a year to look after their baby. This happened out of necessity at the time, but by the end the relationship between my DM and my SIL completely broke down. She didn't see her GD for around 4 years after that (my SIL refused contact) and has just recently started seeing her again. I can only think this is due to my mother paying school fees and covering holiday childcare. I'm pretty sure my SIL wouldn't have her back in her life if there weren't strings attached.

I am worried about the possible affect on my children. Like I say, she's very good with them but dominates them like she did me. I wonder if this is why she likes the company of children so much as they're easier to lead/manipulate.

I remain quite confused about how I feel about my mother, angry in a way too. I do have periodic issues with low mood and wonder if there's a link there. I know I can't blame her for everything and have to take responsibility for myself, but I find myself going round in circles about it somewhat. I haven't had a difficult life in comparison to a lot of people. No physical abuse, poverty, dealing with alcoholism/drug addiction, so I feel a bit of a fraud in a way.

I will definitely look at the Stately Homes thread. I did know of it, but was a bit afraid to have a look in case it dredged up stuff for me. I will look though, so thank you.

Could your Mum be losing her hearing? She talks loudly in public, talks over others, invades space???? All traits I've observed in people struggling to hear others and join in.

It could be that, but from your post I get a strong feeling that Attila is right. Google Narcissism and see if it rings a bell.

If you read the Stately Home thread I think the first thing that will strike you is "That's my Mum they're describing there!" Self absorbed, manipulative, disrespectful of boundaries, constantly moaning, endlessly vociforously criticising anyone who isn't her, attention seeking, lack of empathy, immature "like she never grew up"....I could go on.

As my parents aged, all the traits that used to drive me mad amplified to the point of being intolerable. Their ability to control those around them lessened. Like you, I met my DH, he gave me confidence, we built our own little family, had our own life, were happy.......and I stopped being in their thrall, there purely to satisfy their needs and jump when required.

Love, kindness, empathy and subtlety weren't in their repertoire so the only tool at their disposal to keep me at heel was to ramp up their time tested methods of control e.g. inducing guilt, undermining, dismissive comments, minimising any good news I had, bitching and backstabbing. Oh and as the people around them who they viewed as authority figures and who kept them in check, died off, so their lack of self control over their "quirks" (I'm being kind there) became more apparent.

Sorry, that's long. What I would say is that you can't control her, but you can control the boundaries you set and how you react to her. Do it now Tail. I put up with it for years before I acted and the only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner.