Is it time to completely forget about the father of my child?

[Punkatheart]

Twenty years together - he walked out two years ago. My daugther took it very very badly and had real physical symptoms. It was almost like post-traumatic shock - big, loving cuddly dad suddenly becomes a very different person. I did try to maintain their relationship but she adamantly said she wanted nothing to do with him.

My daughter then became very anxious and depressed - so I asked ex to at least ring up once a week - sound friendly and normal, show that he cared. Time after time he had to be told to do it and finally became very aggressive - because my daughter still did not want to see him. But as her problems got more serious, I ended up begging him to call - just to remind her that she is still loved.

Many promises were made that he would call and it's all I asked of him.

Recently, my daughter made a suicide attempt and also ran away. She then cried in my arms and asked why her dad didn't show her any compassionWe had an urgent psychological assessment (she had been on a mental health waiting list for far too long). I informed ex. He has completely ignored the information and not called to see how she is - despite knowing how serious the situation has become. The stress is making my illness (lymphoma) a lot worse and all I want is him to call up once a week and ask how his daughter is doing.

I feel sad. I feel angry. But I think I know that this is the last straw. A parent who does not call when they know how desperate their child has become? Surely this is the end of the line? I just can't wrap my head around how a loving father can suddenly become so hard-hearted.

Also - does anyone know a local branch of Stepfathers 'R Us? It's very painful watching my little girl being so lost. I felt very shaken up by the fact that she didn't want to be in the world any more.

I need to man up and realise that this is what I have to work with - don't I? At least I will save some money on a Father's Day card.

If he can't be bothered to speak to his daughter, then he doesn't deserve the privilege of being her father. I've been rehearsing a similar line for when DS is old enough to ask. Make it very clear that it's him, not her. Assuming she's teenage (just running on a hunch there), it'll take time but she will accept this.

As for the suicide attempt, I'm afraid I can't suggest much beyond professional help and as much love and empathy as you can give.

She will get through this, and she'll come out so much stronger for it. All you have to do is what you're doing - loving her and being there for her.

I really hope this helps.

oh no this is horrible poor you :( I only know a tiny amount but do tell her its not her fault. I felt for years that it was my fault and something I should hold with me that my parents split up and its a very heavy thing to hold on to. Adoption advice says that you should be careful that you give the full negative story about him. Giving a nice story makes the child feel that its them not him so do say he left and has never explained why.
FWIW though this is undoubtedly awful for her and you she will recover and may well be a more aware and sensitive person as a result. My deepest and most supportive friends are people who have come through shit like this.

Hiya

I'm with others assuming she's a teenager, my dad did a disappearing act when was twenty, but he'd been a wankbadger for years, I still found it tough his parting shot was "as far as I'm concerned you're dead to me" and he meant it. Not seen him in twelve years, best thing he ever did for me.

I hope she gets the support she needs to deal with this, :(

What a tosser. I've nothing useful to impart, but he's a cunt to be able to ignore his DD when she is crying out like this. Bastard.

Why are you asking about StepfathersRUs? Was your ex a stepfather? From the sketchy details above I think your DD sounds like she's been depressed for quite some time and the absent Dad has become something to point to as a focus for that depression, rather than necessarily being an actual cause - because depression can strike anyone, even those in the closest-knit families.

She rejected him fairly forcefully to start with, so maybe there is some guilt and resentment on both sides. I don't know why he originally left but if he can't cope with illness, mental or otherwise, that's not particularly unusual, even if it's not very commendable.

I don't know how old she is but I think the priority is to get her mentally stable and to build her confidence in herself and be reassuring about a future which must look precarious to her at the moment, given your illness.

Thanks all. The stepfather was rather a flippant remark, Cognito - I just wish she had someone who could protect and look after her better than I can. He was her genetic father. Being poorly some of the time - it is a struggle at times.

No she really wasn't depressed before her dad left - she was happy at school, lots of friends and doing well. The depression has crept up over two years and she admits herself that she hid it for a long time, then refused to see anyone. I feel relieved that she has help now and I agree that to get her mentally stable is essential now.

As far as her dad is concerned - it is clear that it causes her so much pain - I think I just wanted to fix it. A long time ago, he called and left a message asking how she was. I told her he had called and she seemed happy - it made her feel as if he cared.

Yes, it's perceptive that he cannot deal with illness - he won't admit it but my illness certainly made him shrink. He seems even less able to deal with mental illness - he won't even listen when I talk about our daughter's issues - talks instead of putting 'his head in the sand.'

Sorry to hear about your own dad ratbag - that was a wicked thing to say to you as he left and did show his character, sadly.

I am trying to show my daughter that we do have a future - so I am building a career as a writer - while sleeping inbetween all those bits! I get exhausted but writing I can just about too. The money side of things worries her too so I have just got a job as a food writer. Last night I took her out for a meal in an expensive place (or it would have been had I been paying!). She wanted to challenge herself because she has a few eating phobias - I praised her to the hilt because she faced her fears and ate in public. So it's all about confidence-building now and letting her see her mother do well. I can cry in private.

Thanks again all.

Do you talk about lack of money to your DD that she worries about it? I don't want to make this sound as though I am blaming you in any way but is there any sense at all that you are confiding in her too much... passing on your adult problems (like exhaustion and money worries) even if it's not intentional? Children who hide problems often do so because they think their parents have problems enough of their own and don't want to be an extra burden.

Another perceptive point, Cognito. I try not to but when she asks me for things - I do sometimes have to refuse and she knows that is about money. She is also canny (and old enough) to spot things for herself. I am now really trying to not show some of the stuff - although exhaustion is almost impossible to hide - especially if I am asleep! I try to sleep during the day and then be up when she comes home. Sometimes it feels like I am putting on a show, but as you say, it is important to look as if I am in control and as well as I can muster.

Did you ever get to the bottom of why she was so angry with her father at the outset? Obviously a break-up is emotionally traumatic for all concerned but to reject a 'big loving cuddly Dad' so emphatically .... did she feel she had to side with you? Does she feel over-protective towards you? Had he done something (aside from leaving) that was particularly heinous?

I wonder if that initial 'adamant' rejection and the subsequent lack of contact is making her feel like she's brought this on herself. For his part - and I'm not downplaying his behaviour at all - if he was originally and comprehensively rejected by your DD and if he finds it difficult to face health problems, he may be feeling that he has to keep his distance. The 'she's better off without me' angle.

Is there any way she could contact him directly? Skype? FB? Meet up perhaps? I don't think you driving this is working.

She doesn't want to contact him, Cognito and no - I can't really understand fully the dynamics of her rejection of him. Initially I was trying to be really loving towards him and worrying about his state of mind and it was my daughter who was telling me to 'forget him.' I did engineer a meeting and she kept feeling dizzy and even passed out at one point. Really puzzling physical symptoms for which we were sent to a cardiologist for - but they could of course all be psychosymatic. But serious nevertheless.

I don't think I am driving this at all or preventing their relationship - although he may see it as such, over which I have no power. I ask her all the time if she wants to see or speak or write to her dad - I have explained in detail that her relationship with his is a completely separate one than his relationship to me. But she is very very firm.

I can't unpick this - it has to now be in the psychologist's hands.

But possibly the 'she's better off without me' may well be his angle - but I can't do anything about that. He has had chances but not calling isn't very decent, although I tell her he is forgetful. He spent six weeks initially getting drunk and never asked about her. Then after A YEAR wrote her a very poorly worded letter, which she would not read. He didn't get a card to her for her birthday. Not great.

On the one hand she is crying in your arms about his lack of compassion but on the other she's consistently rejected him. She's obviously decided that she's better off without him and he reciprocates in kind. Without wishing to alarm you, eating disorder problems, depression, secrecy, psychosomatic fainting... these can be the reactions of abuse survivors.

Why were you worried about his state of mind?

I can categorically state that there was no abuse. I know people say that but really - there was none. She is a very confused and damaged little girl though - but I think it really needs to be in the hands of professionals now.

I was initially worried about him because he changed so dramatically. He was overworked and tired - he just seemed to snap and not be able to cope with anything.

But I feel that now we have to move on. He says he has. He has been informed - I have done that duty. Now I do have to put a lot of energy into my daughter - but it has to be gentle (but firm when she pushes boundaries - such as when she ran off to London one evening).

But thank you for your concern. It's been a horrible time and I still do wake up feeling worried - but it will get easier now with the help we are having.

it may be that the rejection/abandonment helped trigger the depression...but it is naive to think that if only he shows interest, calls once a week etc then she will get cured... this won't be the key.

she needs support of profressionals to find peace within herself with or without her dad. and given the facts, without is more likely.

get support for yourself too - you not going to get it from your ex so find others, call youngminds etc www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents and talk it thru from your perspective. will the psychologist also have sessions with you ?

I know that it won't cure the depression cest - but it would have been something positive. Yes, without him is more and more likely.

Thanks so much for that link. I do feel very wobbly some days. I hadn't planned on any sessions for myself. I am holding it all together at the mo and I don't need to be deconstructed until I can get her on a more stable path. There is a counsellor at the hospital where I am being treated for lymphoma - I may eventually speak to her.

you need support in order to support her better. dealing with mental health issues in someone is very hard . talk to the counsellor now - dont wait til you crash too

Thank you cestlavie. I may well do that. Just very tired at the moment.

Received tonight an email for her - bemoaning that his daughter doesn't want to see him, telling us not to see him as a cash cow and telling me that she is an adult now and needs to grow up.

His daughter is suffering from depression and has been talking about suicide - all of which he has been told. But not once in that email has he asked about her treatment/state of mind/wellbeing. it's a nasty email. Hard as nails.

Not nice.

FFS.