Boyfriend travelling away with ex to see stepgrandkids...

[Flyingtree]

My boyfriend is shortly going away for a long weekend, travelling up north with his ex to see his ex's grandchildren, one of whom he loves dearly.

When his step-grandchildren visit his home town, nobody contacts him to let him know they're in town, and he feels too awkward to ask to see them.
There's no bad history, they just seem to be one of those stepfamilies that cut all contact when a breakup occurs.

He is the most decent man that ever walked the earth, something his past history, family, Ex's, colleagues and friends will confirm. There are no skeletons in his closet. I trust him implicitly.
He has a 15 year history with this ex. He left her, nobody else involved, just ran it's course.

Now, I do know that he's perfectly entitled to see those stepgrandkids and I approve and encourage it.
And I do realise the predicament he is in where he feels too awkward to just travel up there alone to see them. He was effectively stepdad to those children's mother, having known her since she was 12 or 13.

But, what I need, is coping strategies, with how to deal with my boyfriend travelling away for a long weekend with his ex. The 3 hour car journey together, spending all those days together, taking her grandchildren out and about together, the birthday party, effectively playing happy families, reminiscing, old time familar companionship, etc etc.

I wouldn't say I am jealous because I trust him. It's just that if my ex picked me up and drove 3 hours away somewhere with me for a long weekend to see his grandchildren (if he had any), spending all that time together with him - as well as the children of course, the object of the visit after all - I'm confident my boyfriend would not be happy about it.

Even if, like me, he too could sensibly see the priority in the whole thing was those children. Especially as my boyfriend hasn't seen them for over a year because of this predicament he has with feeling awkward.

Coping strategies please, or everyone to tell me I'm being a stupid cow!
If I make an issue about it, I know very well he will not go, then everyone loses out.

We are both 44 by the way.

Why can't you go too?

I wondered how old you were. I have to admit, it was funny to read 'boyfriend' and 'ex step grandkids' in the one sentence - it seems a mismatch

44 is so young to have grandchildren... I was expecting you to be much older!

Do we ever stop worrying??

You are doing well 'letting' him go - congratulate yourself.

I guess all you can do is bare in mind that HE left her and if he wanted to be with her he would be - he wants to be with you.

However, it seems a bit odd to be travelling up there with her to see them, when he could just say 'next time they're down could you give me a call and I'll pop around'... can he explain why this isn't an option??

I have two children under 6. School issue. I mean, they could stay with my Mum, but it's a long time apart from them.

I did actually ask him about this, but he fudged up the replies a little tersely I felt, along the lines of his stepgrandkids are the priority,not rushing about to fit in things to do with me up there. Bearing in mind it was a text conversation and it's difficult to gauge emotion in that medium though.

Mostly, I just don't feel welcome Ithinkonone, as if I don't 'belong' there. It's his past.

Have you told him how you're feeling?

And what ChippingIn said.

No, I don't have any grandchildren, neither does he! His ex who is 7 years older than him has the grandchildren that he is going away to see.

Hess Allinatizz, I have told him how I feel. He suggests that he will not go if I feel to strongly against it.

So Icamt really ask him not to go, because the the stepgrandkids lose out.

Yes chipping, I've asked why he can't send a simple text message like to theirs other when they are in town. He just seems to shrug it off with the feeling he doesn't want to obligate them to visit him :/

Bump

He is the most decent man that ever walked the earth.

You don't read that sentence every day.

But it doesn't quite match with the image you paint of him being terse with you and fudging his replies. Plus the fact that you're pretty sure he wouldn't like it if the situation were reversed.

He knows how he would feel if the roles were reversed, and couple that with the fact that he is probably not thrilled at the prospect of an entire weekend with his ex means that he doesnt want to talk about it. He is sucking up the bad bits (upsetting you and spending time with her) in order to see the grandchildren he loves.

He is a good man, you dont need coping strategies, you just need to remember that.

Hey chipping if you think 44 is young for grandkids. My sister will be 40 in Dec is already a grandmother to 5 and one on the way...

The mother of DD's school friend became a grandmother the day after her 31st birthday. I have to admit I did raise an eyebrow to that one!