ex sent dc a card saying

[wonderingsoul]

been seperated 4 years. he has never phoned the kids, seen them on xbox last year a handfull of times and has sent in whole 4 cards in 4 years. (they are 4 and 7)

kids recived a card a couple of days ago. no question about them, like how are you doing, whats your favourite flim. what do liek etc.

but a a big speach about how its moraly wrong to be a bully that they must be kind to each other etc.

also this which really got to me.

" i knwo you have it hard becasue im in a different country but its up to you how to deal with it"

now surely thats highly inaprioate to say to a 4 n 7 year old you very very very raley have any contact with.

or am i just feeling pissed of for no reason? i cant decided but it makes me sooo angry that he thinks hes a great farther when he has never phoned, hasnt spoke to them in almost 2 years (i used to phone him for them, but stopped becasue he told me it was inconvianting his life and rightly or wrongly i thought fuck you then, im not protacting you any more)

am i being bitter or is it a prefectly ok thing to say to you son in this situation.

Seems inappropriate to me. But you do have the power to vet their post and so if you deem in inappropriate don't give it to them. Keep it somewhere for them later on. In the meantime write back to him explaining why you consider it inappropriate and some suggestions about what he could write to them. Very often estranged fathers have bi clue where to start and the longer it goes on the harder it is. I am not excusing an absent father btw but your post implies you would be open to contact by letter as long as it is child focused. That may require some imput from you as to their current interests. If you aren't interested in contact then withold the letters and tell father why. He then has the opportunity to re consider his approach.

Fwiw I would be annoyed, even angry too, but focus on what is best for the dc.

i have done this, wrote a email stating how i feel it wasnt right and suggested things he could do.

i failed to add that hes unhinged and iv had alot of abuse threats/emails from him so much so that hes girlfriend has to do the talking via email which i can just about handle to give them a relationship. i update them with any big things. like starting school, funny stories. things that they are really into.

its all iv ever wanted for them to have some sort of relationship, but his issues are another thread.

It's not often I'd say this but you may be better off letting contact drift off. You're right - he does sound unhinged.

Sounds awful. In that case, perhaps it would be best to withold the letters until they are appropriate. Little point in upsetting the dc when direct contact seems unlikely at the moment. Where does he live? You mentioned him living abroad.

seems inappropriate given their ages and his involvement. also slightly strange. very odd thing to say (obviously not knowing the other content) for him to say contact with them is an inconvenience, he handed over all rights to you to decide what is right/wrong for their lives. if you feel this sort of content is inappropriate and potentially upsetting then withhold the cards. explain to him, let him shout if he wants, let him say whatever. you are the parent he has chosen not to be. it is your choice how to parent.

im in the uk and he is in the usa. he is a strange one, he belives that its up to the children to phone him, and that when they are older they will run into his arms and live over there. he also doesnt belive in paying child support.

the sad thing is, out of every farther i know, and im not the only one to have said this out of my group of friends, they would never have thought he had acted this way at all. to me it feels like a power thing, like he doesnt have custerdy of the kids so isnt going to do anything to help them to show he has the power to choose? i dont know. i just dont understand it.

numtum i am in court in july over childsupport ( becasue he is in anopther country its been alot harder) he wont turn up so again ill be in court aguste hopfully and they will decided on the child support. untill then i feel i have to keep things open. after the child support i will just let things drift, i have nio hope that he will step up so maybe it is kinder to just let him go for the chidlrens life instead of getting random things from him at random times.

i feel like a bunny boiler, like a crazed ex trying to stalk and keep an ex. its not a nice feeling tbh.

That sounds hard. It's such a difficult call to make, I'm sure you debate it endlessly with yourself. Good luck with the hearing. I know that it is a particularly difficult application to make, I hope that firstly you get your order and secondly you are able to enforce it.

thank you, its been a long time coming and i could really do with the money tbh. he was in the military with benifits so im hoping that this will make it easier to obtain the money.

Given the abuse and threats you mention, I wouldn't let your DCs have direct access to any communication from this man. Maybe you could keep it to one side so that they can read it when they are much older, but I don't see any reason at all for them to be subjected to his moralising epistles. I wouldn't waste my breath responding either. He's clearly sending this kind of thing for effect and I don't think rational e-mails will do anything except give him the satisfaction of knowing he's rattled your cage. Ignore.